


Shall We?

by ThroneofMist



Series: Carry On, Simon [3]
Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern: No Powers, Angst, Awkward Flirting, Baz gets high, Bipolar Disorder, Bipolar Simon, Dev and Niall are great bros, Emo Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch, Eventual Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch/Simon Snow, Fiona is in this fic because we stan, Fluff and Angst, Gay Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch, He's a little ball of angst, I had to make up some characters because, Lots of Angst, M/M, Magic doesn't exist and Simon isn't the mage's heir, Muslim Penny, Pretty much Skam season 3 - Carry on edition, Teen Angst, They have a personality here, You'll see okay, baz isn't a vampire, but also lots of fluff, cause i love them, don't worry you don't need to know what Skam is, he's just Baz, he's just Simon Snow, just cause
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-28
Updated: 2019-06-05
Packaged: 2019-11-28 01:46:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 23
Words: 63,884
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18201827
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThroneofMist/pseuds/ThroneofMist
Summary: "He needs to dump his girlfriend. Seriously."Baz is getting tired of Cloisters' Cove. Getting tired of his old, repetitive life. He's tired of his dad. He's tired of school. But he's really fucking tired of carrying around the fact that he's gay. He's tired of hiding it from his friends and his family, but every time he tires to tell them, he just can't.But when Baz meets Simon Snow, an older boy that's transferred from another school, his life bursts into colour. Suddenly he can't see anything apart from Simon. But Simon has a girlfriend, and he's probably not even gay, right?





	1. Good Luck Basilton

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "You don't think there are any fit girls? Not even a single one?"

Sunday, March 24 - 01:06

 

"Fuck, she's well fit," Niall says from where he's sitting on the kitchen counter. Dev nods before he passes me the joint. I hold it in my fingers before I take a drag, scratching at the beer stain on my jeans. I just washed these. I shouldn't have worn them. I shouldn't have come.

"Proper fit," Will agrees, giggling as he takes a swig of the beer in his hands. Will's a lightweight. I listen to my friends talk about all the girls they'd like to fuck (meaning all the girls that would never touch them) as I lean against the fridge, trying to ignore my surroundings. I hate parties. I would go so far as to say I despise them. I hate the loud booming of the shitty music. I hate the flashing and the bright lights. And I hate that everyone goes around making out with people they won't talk to in the morning. I hate all the things that people like about parties. 

"Baz would pull her, right Baz?" I look up to meet my three friends watching me expectedly. 

"Pull who?" I ask, pretending that I don't already know what my answer is definitely going to be. 

"That girl over there, the one with the curly blonde hair and the red dress. Her name's Rose," Dev says, nodding towards the dance floor where everyone is jumping up and down to the loud sound of The Fratellis. I can't even see who they're pointing out but I shake my head anyway. "No," I shake my slightly dizzy head. "She's unfuckable."

"Are you kidding me?" Wil asks from his spot beside me. "That's bullshit. She's defiently fuckable. So is Ava," Wil adds, grinning at a girl with long blonde hair as she walks past us. His grin falters when she ignores us. 

"What's up with you guys lowering your standards?" I ask, fidgeting with the sleeves of my black shirt. 

"What's up with you, bro?" Niall asks as he swings his legs off the counter. "Talking about standards? You ought to be a lot less picky. Considering how fucking ugly you are." I just snort, rolling my eyes before I pass the joint to Will. 

"You don't think there are any fit girls?" Dev arches an eyebrow, his dark eyes wide. "Not even a single one?" he asks when I just shrug. 

"There's gotta be at least one, Baz," Will says, coughing as he takes a long drag. My slightly high brain goes into panic mode as they all watch me. They can't find out. Not like this. I'm not telling my friends I'm gay at a shitty house party, the day before school starts back again. Maybe I won't tell them I'm gay...ever. 

"There's one," I blurt out, looking out to the sea of dancing people. Then I start talking about the first pretty girl I see. "Curly black hair. Don't know her name yet, but I've seen her and she's fit. Look, she's there." The three of them crave their necks to look, Dev and Niall leaning off of their spots on the counter to see. "The tall one. With the shorts."

"They all look like that," Wil says. "Give us some specifics, bro."

"Like her face, or the size of her tits?" Niall adds, running a hand through his red hair. 

"God, you're such a fucking idiot," I roll my eyes. Niall shrugs before he cocks his head.

"So you're saying her face doesn't matter?"

"I didn't say that," I say, hating this whole conversation. _His_ face, I want to scream. Cause I like guys, I want to tell them. But I don't. Because every time I think about telling them, my whole chest squeezes and my mouth just clamps shut. Niall just snorts, before he holds out the small packet of weed to Dev. "Keep it safe?" he asks, twirling his bottle in his fingers.

"Nah, my mum searches my room, man," Dev shakes his head, taking another sip of beer.

"S'fine, it's fine, I can take it," Wil slurs, reaching out to snatch it from Niall but Niall just shakes his head and pulls his hand back. "What?"

"No offense bro," Niall shrugs. "But I wouldn't trust you with my pencil. You lose everything. I'm not giving you my weed, man." Wil goes to object but I lightly push him out of the way.

"I'll take it," I sigh, grabbing it from Niall's hand. Wil frowns before he goes to grab it from me, but I'm already sliding it into my back pocket. Niall goes to say something when two girls push past us, making their way towards the sink. "Sorry, sorry, excuse me," one of the girls apologises as she holds her friend's hair as she bends over the sink. Dev and Niall crinkle their noses and move out of the way just in time before the girl starts puking her guts up.

I realise, with my heart pounding, that one of the girls is the girl I just called fit. And by the way Niall smirks at me and Dev throws me a thumbs up, I'm pretty sure that my friend's have realised it too. "Fuck Ava," the pretty girl frowns as she rubs her friend's back, struggling to hold her hair up. 

My throat bobs when Wil elbows me, an idiotic grin slapped on his idiotic face as he gestures to the girl. I shake my head, scowling, ready to drag him out of the kitchen when he turns to the girl. "Your friend doesn't look so good. Do you need help?" he asks, gesturing to her vomiting friend with his beer. 

"Oh, I don't know," she frowns, narrowing her dark eyes at Will. "Could you stop asking stupid questions?" I smile lightly, leaning against the fridge as Will blinks at her, raking a hand through his blonde hair. Dev and Niall snicker from their places on the counter. "Oh, that't not very nice," Dev tilts his head as Niall watches her friend throw up with a disgusted yet intrigued face. "Hello," Dev smiles at her. Will frowns when the girl smiles at us all in turn. 

"No, sorry, it's just that...this isn't how I saw my night going. It's not your fault though," she adds, smiling apologetically to Will. She looks over at me, the disco lights casting red and blue shadows on her dark skin, and I go to say something when Ava speaks.

"I'm fine. I just-" but she's cut off by throwing up again. The pretty girl winces and Dev and Wil step back, noses crinkled as Niall squeaks, jumping down from the counter.

"That's fucking grim man," he says from behind Dev. 

"Fucking hell, Ava!" The pretty girl sighs, clearly pissed off, biting her bottom lip. "This was meant to be a fun night. You promised you wouldn't get pissed." But Ava is too drunk to even comprehend that her friend is speaking.

"Hey, _hey_ ," I say, smiling easily at her. She turns to face me, eyebrows arched as she holds Ava's blonde hair in her hands. "You need to chill." She frowns at that. "Your friend is drunk. We don't care. Don't let it stop you from having a good night." She doesn't say anything, but I see her smile as she turns back to her friend. "William, you can take over hair-holding duty to help out..." I trail off as I look back at her before gesturing for Dev to hand me to joint. Will snorts but when I elbow him hard, he rolls his eyes, taking Ava's hair from the girl.

"Sabrina," she says, letting Will take over for her.

"Sabrina," I repeat slowly, before holding my hand out. She shakes it, but I don't let go, and lightly guide her closer to me. She's probably quite tall for a girl, but I'm six foot one, so she only reaches to about my shoulders. "Very beautiful. And your name is beautiful too." She tries not to smile as she shakes her head, snorting lightly. I let go off her hand to slide it into my front jean pocket as I take a long drag. "So, let's chill, Sabrina." I say, handing her the joint. She takes it gingerly and I watch her, tilting my head as I lean against the counter, one angle slung over the other. She watches me as she smokes it, turning when Ava coughs from behind us.

"Are you sure you're okay?" she asks Will. I roll my eyes as Will, Dev and Niall all straighten up, stepping away from Ava.

"Oh, no, no it's fine, I've got it," Will nods, a little too eagerly.

"Don't worry," Dev shrugs. "This is the furthest he's ever gotten with a girl," he gestures to Will holding Ava's hair up, his hand on her lower back. "You've got nothing to worry about." Will scowls and kicks Dev, but my focus is back on Sabrina as she cough, her nose crinkling at the joint. "Woah, slow down, slow down," I grin, laughing lightly. "Do you want me to show you?" I ask, cocking my head as I push up from the counter.

"Okay," she nods, her dark eyes dancing. I take the joint from her fingers gently and take a drag, before making a fist and putting it against her lips. I hear Dev and Niall swear under their breaths as I blow into my fist. I have to admit, for a gay guy I've got great game with girls. Better than my friends' anyway. But I don't think that's that hard.

I pull my fist away and me and Sabrina keep eye contact, her dark brown eyes locked onto my grey eyes. And for a second I panic because I think she might kiss me. But then Ava splutters from behind me and Sabrina turns.

"Why is he holding my hair?" she groans, pushing away from Will as she stumbles.

"I've got you, I got you," he says but Ava just frowns and pushes his away.

"In your fucking dreams," she rolls her eyes as she walks away, wiping her mouth with the back of her hand.

"Wait, wait, you need my help," Will objects as he follows her. Dev and Niall burst into a fit of giggles before they jump down from the counter and go follow Will, going to save him from himself. 

"Have a good night," Dev winks at me and Sabrina as he leaves. Suddenly my gut twists when I realise it's just her and me in the kitchen. I don't have anything to prove anymore. I try and grin when she turns to face me.

"I didn't catch your name," she smiles, smoothing down her shirt. 

"Baz," I breathe, my heart pounding as we watch each other. My breath hitches when she pushes her lips against mine. I push back, trying to force myself out of my own mind as I kiss her back, my hands in her dark, frizzy hair. I try and push down the sick feeling as we kiss, every piece of skin she touches burning. I freeze when her hands travel to the buttons on my shirt, quickly undoing them as she kisses my neck. I still, my hands in her hair as she kisses me, her hands now on my chest. Then there's a knocking at the door, and she pulls back when two policemen walk in. Shit. The weed.

I push past Sabrina without saying anything, pushing past the sea of panicking teenagers as I run into the living room. I bite my lip as I hear the police make their way through the house, the weed burning in my back pocket. I look around frantically, pushing my tongue into my cheek when I see an empty vase on a coffee table. "Fuck," I swear under my breath before I pull the weed out from my pocket and shove it into the vase, clambering out of the window before the police walk into the living room.

I jump down into the front garden and swear when I see more police outside, stopping people from leaving. I rake my fingers through my hair as I try and look casual as I make my way towards the bush at the other side. I jump the fence and land on the pavement, letting myself sigh when relief as I start to walk down the road. Then I feel a hand on my shoulder and I turn to see a policewoman standing with her eyebrows arched. 

"What are you doing?" she asks.

"Home," I say. "I'm going home."

"You're going home? Over the fence? Everyone else just went through the gate." I shrug, desperately trying to not look any more suspicious as I sway on the spot. "Do you have any ID? With your name and date of birth. Credit card? Or a driver's license maybe?"

"No," I shake my head, hoping she can't tell I'm kind of high right now. Because I'm pretty fucking high.

"Nothing?" she asks. I shake my head. "What's your name?" she asks as she pulls a notebook out of her pocket. 

"James Jones," I blurt out, wanting to fucking die as soon as I've said it. James Jones? Really? James Jones? I'm such a fucking idiot. I curse myself silently as I look away, scared that if I look the woman in the eyes she'll be able to tell I'm fucked. Then I see Dev on his bike, waiting for me. I grin when he gestures with his head fro me to hurry up. I turn back to the woman, patting my hand against my side.

"And you're how old?" she asks, obviously not believing me. 

"Eighteen," I lie. She narrows her eyes at me but before she can ask anymore questions her radio goes. She frowns at me and tells me to stay here before she turns away, bringing the radio to her ear as she starts to talk into it. As soon as she turns I sprint, laughing as I stumble onto the pegs on Dev's bike. "Hey! Wait!" she yells after us as I pat Dev's back.

"Go, go, go!" I snort, Dev laughing loudly as he pedals away. I wave at the policewoman as we ride away, struggling to stay on the bike. We yelp and holler as we ride through the empty and dark roads of Cloisters' Cove. We live in a small town in the countryside, around three hours away from main London. Cloisters is big enough that everyone doesn't know everything about everyone, but it's small enough that everyone knows who you are vaguely. Everyone knows that I'm Basilton Pitch, son of Natasha and Malcolm Pitch. Everyone knows my dad got depression after my mum died and left me before he found himself a new family. Everyone knows I live with my Aunt Fiona. And everyone knows me, Dev, Niall and Will are friends. That's about it for my description.

I don't mind.

If more people knew about me it would just raise the risk of everyone finding out my secret. And that can't happen.

I tilt my head as I stand up on the back of Dev's bike, holding onto his shoulders and look at the stars. I let out a elated yell as we cycle, my hair flying behind me. "Sit down, Baz," Dev hisses. "You'll fall off. Wanker."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading, leave a comment if you liked it and subscribe so you don't miss when a new chapter comes out:)


	2. Narcos

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Boys and girls can work together, you know."

Sunday, March 24 - 12:06

I wake up to my phone beeping repeatedly. I groan, pulling my duvet up further over my head, trying to ignore it. But when it just keeps beeping, I grab it from my bedside table, rubbing my eyes with the heel of my hand. 

**Facebook : 9:43 - Sabrina Keita has sent you a friend request**

**Dev: 9:52 - missed call**

**Niall: 8:45 - text (2)**

**Dad: 7:30 - text**

I furrow my eyebrows as I swipe onto the Facebook request, forgetting who Sabrina is for a moment. I frown slightly when I see her profile photo, instantly remembering her hands on my chest. She is very pretty, with her big, dark curls, her delicate features and big brown eyes. Maybe I can make this work. Maybe I just need to try with girls a little bit harder. I bite the bottom of my lip as I accept her friend request, before swiping through a few of her photos. There's one of her with that girl from last night, Ava. There's one of her riding a horse. One of her and two other girls in our school uniform, lying down on the school track. I'm pretty sure one of the girls she's with is on the cross country team with me, but I can't remember her name. 

Sighing, I exit Facebook and go onto the texts from Dev.

**Dev: 8:44 - you've still got the weed, right**

**Dev: 8:45 - call me when you wake up the police found some weed at Emily's party and she's pissed, thinks it's mine**

I swear under my breath before I call Dev, pinching the bridge of my nose. It can't be the weed I hid. I hid it well. Well, I'm pretty sure I hid it well. I can't really remember. I really hope it isn't the weed they found. If it is Emily'll kill me. Then Dev. Emily's Dev's ex. I don't think he's really over her. I mean, he hooks up with other girls and suff, but whenever Emily's around he acts differently. Acts like a normal person. I groan in frustration when Dev doesn't pick up, hanging up when his voicemail starts. I push my tongue into my cheek as I quickly type him back.

**Baz: 12:10 - Pick up. I had to hide the weed at Emily's but it can't be what they found because I hid it well. I'll fix it. Promise. Call me back.**

I look up when my door is pushed open, Fiona leaning in the threshold with a cup of coffee in her hands. She's already dressed, wearing ripped black jeans and a white t-shirt. Her hair's up in a messy bun and she's got her jacket one. She's probably going over to her boyfriend's house. _Nico_. It's not that I hate the guy, it's just that Fiona could do a whole lot better than that twat.

"Look who's up," she smirks down at me. I roll my eyes as she pulls my curtains open. I moved in with my aunt two years ago when I was fifteen, a month after my mum died. I packed a suitcase and told my dad I was leaving. I had expected him to not let me go, or beg me to stay. But he'd just stayed in his office and shrugged at me, telling me to call him when I got to Fiona's. He was a fucking mess after mum died. We both were. But he was meant to be there for me. He wasn't meant to get depression. 

He's fine now. Got himself a new wife and three step-daughters and a new baby that's all his. I've only met them twice. I try to avoid him mostly. I only ever text him if I need money. He doesn't object, just tops off my account. But lately he's been trying to talk to me, trying to get me over for dinner and shit. It's as if he's finally decided he wants his son back again. 

Well, I've learned to take care of myself. 

Fiona certainly didn't know how to take care of a fifteen year old. She barely knows how to take care of herself. Well, that's not true. I know that when I was little, and my mum was still alive, Fiona was a bit fucked. She was unemployed, crashing on people's couches and high all the time. But then mum died, and I think she realised that life's pretty short and can be over in a matter of seconds, so she got her shit together. She became a journalist, got a nice flat, a cat and a boyfriend. 

Even though Fiona acts like an adult now, it still doesn't really feel like I live with my aunt. It's more like living in a flat-share without having to pay rent. I make my own meals, and mostly buy my own food. I come home when I want and I can go out when I want. Fiona doesn't really mind, she's chill like that. It's not like I never see her, or that she doesn't care; we have dinner together on Mondays and Wednesdays. We do get along really well. I used to tell her everything, but now I try and avoid questions. I know Fiona wouldn't care if I told her I'm gay, but every time I think about telling her, my mind goes to the worst possible scenario.

"At a party last night, Basil?" she asks as she hands me the coffee, shoving her hands into her jumper pocket. Fiona's the only one who calls me Basil. Will'll do it on occasion, when he thinks he's being funny and Dev and Niall only do it when they're pissed at me. My father's the only one who calls me Basilton, but I rarely hear his voice anymore.

I nod, shrugging as I sip the coffee. I watch her as she jumps up onto my window seat, looking outside. It looks pretty grim outside, rain pissing it down. "It was pretty shit," I tell her, leaning against my headboard. "Nothing really happened."

"Tell that to the hickey on your neck," she arches an eyebrow. 

"Fuck off," I growl, running a hand down my face. Fiona just shrugs, jumping down from her seat as she crosses back to the door, eyeing the clothes piles and empty coke cans all over my room. 

"Your room is a state, Basil," Fiona shakes her head, knocking over a stack of books with her foot. 

"Fiona!" I groan, sitting up as I watch my textbooks topple everywhere. She just shrugs before she struts over to the door. 

"I'm going out," she tells me from over her shoulder. She manages to shut the door behind her before the pillow I throw hits her. "Clean your damn room, Basil. It smells like shit."

 

Monday, March 25 - 12:15

"Like fuck you hooked up with Lauren," Dev shakes his head at Will. I snort as I pick at the crappy school panini. 

"I did!" Will objects as he shows me and Niall a picture of said girl on Instagram. 

"Yeah, there's no way she pulled you," Niall grins through a mouth full of pizza. "She's in year thirteen."

"So, that's only one year above us," I shrug, leaning back in my chair. 

"Year 13 girls don't go out with year twelve boys," Dev shakes his head. "Especially ones that look like Will."

"Right, fuck you," Will frowns. "I am well fit. And we _did_ pull." I tune them out as I look around the canteen. Our school's pretty small, with only around nine hundred pupils. We've got about one hundred and fifty in our year, and most of them are incredibly annoying. You don't have to sit in the canteen for lunch, a lot of kids sit in the corridors or outside but most of our year sits in the dining hall. I look around, trying not to make eye contact with anyone, when I see a boy I don't recognise. And I know everyone that goes to Watford.

He's talking to Emily O'Sullivan, Sarah McNeil and Penelope Bunce. Maybe he's in our year. He's sitting down on a bench, legs outstretched and ankles crossed as Emily and Penelope talk to him. He's fiddling with a pen, tapping it on his knees as he smiles. 

He's the most beautiful boy I've ever seen. 

Bright blue eyes. Square jaw. Crooked smile. Pale skin dotted in freckles and moles. Fucking hell.

My throat bobs when his blue eyes look up and meet mine, a faint smile on his lips. I look away quickly, shoving my hands into my blazer pockets as I turn back to my friends. "I'm pretty sure I'm going to fail Biology," Niall sighs as he lies his head down on the table. 

"Your parents'll just get you a tutor like they did last year, rich boy," Will grins. 

"You're such a pillock," Niall sighs, slouching back into his chair. I laugh, and am about to tell them I'll help them with biology when my phone goes. I pull it out of my trouser pocket, biting my lip when I see a text from my dad.

**Dad: 12:17 - Hi Basilton, do you want to have dinner with me on Wednesday night? Hugs, Father**

I frown. Dinner with dad doesn't just mean dinner with him. It also means dinner with Daphne, Mordelia, Arabella and Mirabella. And the baby. It means fake smiles, awkward small talk and a posh dinner where I don't like the majority of the food. 

**Baz: 12:18 - I need more money, it's all nearly gone**

"I can't believe Thomas managed to fuck her," Will shakes his head. "He's punching."

"Says the guy that's trying to tell us he pulled Lauren in year thirteen," Dev snorts. 

**Dad: 12:18 - I put in £300 last week, Basilton. Is it all gone already?**

"You believed I pulled her right, Baz?" Wil asks, widening his eyes at me. I shrug and go to open my mouth when Penelope and Sarah appear at our table.

"Hello," Sarah smiles. I share a look with Dev before we turn back to the girls. It's not that I don't like Sarah, it's just that she's extremely annoying. "We were wondering if you wanted to maybe join the eco committee." Will snorts and when Penelope narrows her eyes, I kick him under the table. Penelope Bunce is terrifying. "We're the committee heads and we want you guys to join," Sarah smiles sweetly, fiddling with the sleeve of her green blazer. Me, Dev and Will look away awkwardly, scratching the back of our necks, but Niall cocks his head. 

"What do you do in the eco committee?" he asks, and I can't tell if he's taking the piss or if he's genuinely interested.

"We try and make Watford secondary school more eco-friendly. Save energy, plant trees, you know," Sarah grins, happy that at least one of us is interested. Penny smiles from beside her, obviously annoyed at having to recruit people with Sarah. "We have our first group meeting this Friday, if you guys want to come."

"Friday?" Dev asks, running his tongue over his teeth. Sarah nods, arching an eyebrow. "No, just, you know, it's _Friday_." 

"But I mean, you guys are kind of just floating around right now," Sarah says, fiddling with her long blonde hair. "And if you don't start doing things in the school community then you'll all just be nobodies." I resist the urge to tell her that none of us really care about that kind of thing. And that maybe she's the only one that does. But then Emily appears behind her and I remember the weed that's currently (hopefully) hiding in a vase in her living room. "Emily!" I say, smiling awkwardly when she looks up at me from her phone. "Did you get my texts? I left my hoodie at your place on Sunday."

"Yep," she smile, sliding her phone into her blazer pocket. "I saw your texts. I'll look for it," she nods. Fuck.

"No, no, but I have to come get it at you place because...because I know what it looks like," I try, smiling up at her. All three of the girls arch their eyebrows at me. I run a hand through my hair.

"Can't you just describe it?" she asks suspiciously.

"Yeah. Sure," I nod eagerly. I pause for a moment, trying to come up with ways to describe a non existing jumper. "It's...uh, it's black." Emily grins at me like I'm an idiot. 

"Okay," she nods slowly. "A black, guy's hoodie. Got it." Fuck. There's a pause of silence while they all watch us awkwardly before Sarah grins.  

"Well, if you want to join, just let me know!" she smiles, clapping her hands together.

"Will do," Dev nods, smirking slightly. When the three of them leave, after Penelope frowns at me, Dev narrows his eyes and elbows me. "A hoodie? Are you fucking kidding me?" I just shrug, sighing.

"What's wrong?" Niall asks, taking a sip of Fanta. I look at Dev, biting my lip, but he just widens his eyes at me.

"I had to hide the stuff at Emily's," I mutter.

"Are you kidding me?" Niall frowns, slouching back into his seat.

"I'll fix it," I promise, leaning froward onto the table.

"You owe me eighty quid, man," Niall shakes his head, pointing his hand accusingly at me. Will giggles before he grabs my panini from my hands and eats half of it. 

"I'll fix it, Niall," I shrug before I turn to Will. He smirks as he offers me the panini back even though he knows I won't take it. I don't share food. I shake my head, rolling my eyes. "Keep it, it's got all your fucking germs on it now," I frown, pushing the panini back into Will's hands. He giggle again before shoving the whole thing in his face. Tosser.

 

Wednesday, March 27 - 13:36

I sigh as I lift my head up from my biology desk when someone sits down next to me. I frown when I see Penelope Bunce sitting down, watching me warily. "Hello, Baz," she smiles.

"Hello, Bunce," I say, arching an eyebrow. I watch as she settles down, looking forward. Why the fuck is she sitting next to me? I think I've only talked to Penelope for a grand total of two minutes in my life.

"I have your drugs," she says after a minute of silence. What the fuck?

"Pardon?" I ask, cocking my head and narrowing my eyes.

"The weed you left at Emily's," she shrugs innocently, smiling at me. "I have it."

"You...you have it?" I whisper, leaning closer. Then she turns back to face me, her face stormy.

"If there's one thing I don't like, Baz, it's people that fuck over their friends." 

"What do you mean?" I shake my head, confused. She narrows her eyes at me.

"Emily could've gotten into a lot of trouble if she'd found it," she widens her eyes at me, tapping her fingers on her Biology textbook.

"Could have," I nod. "But they _didn't_. So what's the deal?" I ask as I pull my blazer off and put it over my seat.

"They didn't find it, because _I took_ it, idiot," she rolls her eyes.

"Okay, okay," I nod, pushing my tongue into my cheek. "I apologise for leaving it at Emily's, and thanks for taking it. But I really need it back, it's not even mine," I shrug, trying to explain. She's silent for a moment, looking at me warily before she leans in closer. 

"I deserve something in return for rescuing it from the police," she smiles sweetly. Are you fucking kidding me? Why can't she just give it back to me, for fuck's sake?

"Do you think this is an episode of fucking Narcos or something?" I ask her, lowering my eyebrows. "Just give it back."

"I want ten percent of your drugs," she says calmly.

"Do you even smoke?" I ask, because Penelope is Muslim, and I did't think that was allowed.

"No," she shrugs, batting her eyelashes."But it's good to have." What the actual fuck? "And I also want you and your little squad to join the eco committee."

"Okay," I shrug, narrowing my eyes at her. "Whatever. We can join your fucking committee. And then you'll give it to me?" I ask.

"Yes," Penelope nods.

"So just give it to me now," I say, holding out my hand.

"Do you think I'm stupid?" Penelope asks, frowning at me as she smooths out her purple skirt. "You get it when I see you and your friends at the meeting on Friday." She smiles sweetly, tilting her head at me before she turns back to the front just as Mrs Possibelf speaks to us. "And Baz and Penelope can work together."

"Oh, no," Penelope shakes her head. "I don't sit here-" she starts to explain, but Mrs Possibelf cuts her off by waving her hand.

"Can't you work with Baz?" Mrs Possibelf asks, frowning at both of us as she folds her arms. "Boys and girls can work together, you know," she adds, smiling as she walks away from us. I blink, because fuck my life and Penelope groans, letting her head slump onto the desk. Well, fuck.


	3. I've Never Seen You

Friday, March 29 - 17:26

I sigh as I hold my head in my hands, watching Emily, Sarah and Penelope welcome people at the door. Not that a lot of people have showed up. The meeting's being held in one of the drama rooms, a circle of chairs set up in the middle. I'm sitting down at the side, trying my hardest to ignore the circle of seats because if I sit down in one of them then I'm pretty sure it means I'm apart of this eco committee for real. I slouch back into the chair, pulling down the sleeves of my jumper before I pull my phone out of my blazer, texting the group chat. It's a shitty chat, named _Bees?_ after that one card in Cards Against Humanity that Will laughed about for a solid two hours. 

 **Baz: 17:26 - Where the fuck are you? I can't be fucked sitting here on my** **own, this is your shit.**

I tap my phone against my knee as I wait for them to reply, watching as Sarah hands out her slightly burned lemon drizzle cake to people who walk in. I look around, biting my lip as quite a lot of people file in, in pairs or small groups. I frown when I meet Penelope's eyes. I frown when she gestures with her head for me to sit down in the circle. I shake my head forcefully. She narrows her eyes at me before she mouths, _Narcos_ , at me. I scowl, but I push myself up anyway and fall down onto one of the seats in the circles. 

**Dev: 17:29 - sorry man, I've got to help my mum out with something, have to patch**

**Will: 17:30 - fuck was that today**

I groan, pinching the bridge of my nose before I hear Sarah laugh. I look up, my breath hitching when the boy from lunch appears in the threshold. He smiles brightly at Sarah as he walks over to the girls, his blazer slung casually over his arm. Fuck, I don't think I've ever seen someone smile that brightly.

"Hello," he says cheerfully. Shit. He doesn't sound like he's from Cloisters Cove. For one, he sounds too genuinely happy to be from here. He sounds too excited about life to be from this boring fucking town. And two, he sounds like he's from Birmingham. Like he's stepped out of Peaky Blinders. He actually has the haircut to match too.

'Hi!" Sarah smiles brightly. "I'm so happy you came," she holds out the tray of cake to him. "Would you like some cake? It's lemon drizzle. I made it myself." I watch, frozen on my chair as he takes two slices happily. "So if you just sit down, then...I'm pretty sure we're going to get started soon!" His smile matches Sarah's. Great, we've found the two happiest people in Cloisters.

"Cool," he nods enthusiastically. I don't get how anyone can be so buzzed about an _eco committee meeting_. "Looking forward to it." I look away when the boy turns in my direction, and sits down in a seat four spaces from me. I watch as he sits down, his left knee bouncing up as he picks at the slices of cake. And even though it's disgusting and burned, he eats both slices with a smile on his face. I keep watching him smile and talk to everyone when someone starts talking to me, snapping me out of my reverie. 

"Hey." I look up to see Sabrina and Ava standing in front of me, the former grinning down at me, the latter standing with her arms folded.

"Hey," I nod awkwardly, scratching at the back of my hand, a bit confused at first as to why she's talking to me. And then I remember the feeling of her fingers on me and I shudder slightly.  

"Eco reps," she grins. "Yay!"

"Yay," I nod slowly, trying to sound enthusiastic, but frowning when it comes out annoyed.

"Me and Ava," Sabrina grins at Ava who's really looking like she doesn't want to be here, "looked at the year twelve noticeboard at lunch to see where all the cool people where hanging out, and saw that you'd joined the eco committee." I nod, wetting my bottom lip as I smile up at her.

"Cool," I nod before Sabrina and Ava go off to the other side of the circle, where the only two seats are left. 

"So, hi and welcome, everybody," Sarah claps her hand as she starts talking to everyone, passing the plate of cake to Emily. "We are so, so happy that you guys are here today. We'll uh, we'll introduce ourselves. This is Emily," she smiles pointing to Emily who smiles faintly and holds her hand up in acknowledgement, she rolls her eyes when she meets my gaze. "This is Penny," Sarah continues, grinning when Penelope waves. "And I'm Sarah. So before we get started, I thought I would explain what kind of vision we have for this committee. We're starting a month before all of the other committees as we have a lot more work to do. So, we have a couple of ideas, like a greenhouse and a vegetable patch, but we thought before we get a solid plan together we could all maybe split in groups. Or pairs, so you'll be two and two. So that...I guess that isn't a group, but, yeah...pairs. We'll do pairs." 

I sigh, holding my head in my hands as I watch Sarah stumble through this. "So we thought it would be cool if we all came up with ways to make Watford more eco friendly all together! So, if we maybe all do a big group discussion now and then later we can..." I sigh before I look around the room, smiling when I meet eyes with Sabrina. _Is she for real_ , she mouths, gesturing at Sarah who's still muttering on. I shake my head lightly, grinning as I stand up, pulling my phone out of my back pocket. I shrug apologetically when Sarah and Emily narrow their eyes at me as I make my way towards the door.

"Sorry," I apologise, holding my phone up. "I have to take this call. Very, very important," I shrug as I quickly walk out, raking a hand through my hair. "Hello?" I say into my phone as I walk through the circle of chairs, Sabrina smirking up at me as she shakes her head lightly. "Wait, hold up, I can't hear you, sorry. Just let me go somewhere else. Yep," I keep talking as I walk out into the corridor. "No, yes, yeah, indeed. No, no, of course not. Oh course not," I say as I walk into an empty chemistry classroom at the end of the corridor. "What? No, well, blah, blah blah, and we're off," I sigh as I walk further into the class, falling down into the teacher's seat. It's Professor Chilblains' room. The worst fucking teacher. 

"Welcome to class, students," I say out loud as I spin on his chair. "Today, I will be teaching you..." I trail off, standing up and grabbing the whiteboard pen. "I will be teaching you how to grow weed in your very own kitchen!" I say as I write on the board, the pen squeaking. "A strongly requested course by the eco committee, lead by Sarah McNeil, who I thank for enlightening me about the green benefits of growing weed. Our learning outcomes for today's lesson is to of course..." I trail off when I hear a chair scraping from behind me. I frown as I turn around. I almost drop the pen in my hand.

It's him.

His blue eyes are watching me as he smiles that fucking smile, his eyes crinkling with amusement. 

"Why'd you stop?" he asks, tilting his head. 

He's sitting at a desk at the back. His legs don't reach the ground so he's swinging them, hands braced on the edge of the table. "I was just uh...fucking around," I try and explain as I rub my writing off of the board with my jumper sleeve. "Too bad," he shrugs. "It was pretty interesting." Despite myself, I smile back at him. "The eco committee is pretty cool," he says, running a hand through his golden curls. Fuck, his hair is pretty.

"I don't think it's the committee that's the issue," I say, biting my lip.

"So what is?" he asks.

"Well, maybe it's the lemon cake that takes one hundred glasses of water to swallow," I shrug, feeling myself blush when he laughs. 

"Does that lead to the roof?" he asks, looking behind me and out of the window. I nod. Watford High School has been around since the Victorian times, so there's a ton of weird corridors and balconies that no one's allowed in anymore. There's five floors to our school, and we're currently on the fourth. 

"I think it's closed though," I add as he stands up, crossing the room. I hold my breath when he walks past me. I turn around, arms folded, watching as he pulls out a hair clip thing from his pocket. "What is that?" I ask, but he doesn't reply. I watch as he pushes it into the window lock and after a few moments of him jiggling it around, he pushes the window open. Well.

"You coming?" he asks, cocking his head as he starts to climb out. I hesitate for a moment, biting my lip but I laugh lightly when he holds up a joint, smirking at me from outside. I sigh out as my feet start to walk towards him. He grins at me, showing perfect rows of white teeth. I grin back.

Friday, March 29 - 17:37

"That's so fucking cool," he says as we reach the roof, leaning on the short railing. I blink as I take in the view of Cloisters. It's mostly rolling hills and fields, but you can see the town square and pretty much everyone's house. I frown when I see my father's manor off in the distance.

"It's beautiful," I nod, following as he continues to walk to the edge, lighting the joint before he sits down. I sit beside him, my breath hitching when his knee bumps against mine. 

"Did you already know Sarah?" he asks as he takes a drag. 

"She's best friends with a friend of mine. Emily, the one with the brown hair. She's my best friend's ex." He nods before handing me the joint. "Thanks." There's a few moments of silence as we watch each other, but it's not awkward like I was expecting. It's actually the opposite.

"You don't seem too into the whole eco committee thing," he smirks. I sigh.

"It's a long story."

"You got anything better to do?" he cocks his head.

"No, but I think we're probably going to have to go back in at some point," I say. He just shrugs, as if he doesn't want to. "What year are you in?" I quickly ask, too afraid of the silence.

"Thirteen." Oh. He's older than me.

"I've never seen you," I admit, handing him back the joint. 

"I was at Woodside last year," he says, looking away from me and down at his feet. He's got crappy black vans on. I have no idea how he's gotten away with that. I wore black trainers to school once and was sent home within an hour. Maybe even the teachers can't resist his smile.

"Oh, okay," I nod. He goes to open his mouth, looking up to meet my eyes when a voice calls my name. We both turn to see Sabrina skipping towards us. I resist the urge to sigh or push her off of the roof. 

"Hello," she smiles. I nod acknowledgingly at her. "Didn't know you were a frequenter of the Watford roof," she smiles as she plans against the railing. 

"Do you usually come here?" I ask, eyebrow arched as she looks down at me.

"Sure," she shrugs, the wind blowing her hair behind her.

"What are they doing in there?" I ask as she sits between the two of us.

"They're organising the programme schedule. They made me come look for you two." I highly doubt that she didn't volunteer.

"Then we better be going," I say quickly, not wanting this to get any more awkward than it already is.

"Hey," she smiles at the boy. He nods, a hidden smirk on his face as he shakes hands with her. "Sabrina Keita."

"I'm Simon Snow," he says. But he doesn't look at Sabrina as he says it. He leans over to meet my gaze, his bright blue eyes dancing. 

"Nice to meet you," Sabrina smiles, oblivious to Simon trying to ignore her.  "So, what are we going to do?" she asks when neither of us say anything. "Shall we go back inside? They're waiting for us."

"I think they can probably carry on without the two of us," Simon shrugs, bringing his knees to his chest. I can't help but smile. He wants to stay here. With me. "We'll finish this," he says, gesturing to the joint. "And then come back inside." We both wait for Sabrina to leave, but instead of walking away, she just smiles. 

"Okay, you've convinced me. I'll wait here with you two." I just look at her, blinking. "If that's okay?"

"Yeah," I nod quickly, scratching the back of my neck. "Yeah sure." 

I meet Simon's eyes as she takes a drag, leaning back on the railing. He smiles, and suddenly it's like Sabrina isn't even here anymore. I glance away, unable to hold his gaze, but I don't stop the smile that creeps up onto my face.

 


	4. Grindr

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Ooft. Guess we can rule you out as gay if a picture of a dick makes you literally sick."

Saturday, March 30 - 01:02

I run a hand down my hot face as I try and walk in a straight line. The faint hum of Lorde hums in my ears as I walk through the West End of London, towards the station, swinging the half empty bottle of water in my fingers. I'll be home soon, I keep repeating in my head. Then I can throw up as much as I want. Just not in public. 

Blinking, I look down at my phone as it buzzes. 

**Sabrina: 1:03 - hey, where'd you go? we're getting an uber home x**

I bite my lip as I type out a reply, my eyes lingering on that kiss. I swear under my breath as I stumble off of the kerb, just picking myself up before I slam onto the ground. Thank god it's quite late, so there aren't that many cars or anything. If there was, I'd be run over by now.

**Baz: 1:03 - Drank too much of Dev's crappy beer, getting the train x**

I hesitate over the x, but click send before I can think about it. I really shouldn't have gone tonight. But at the time it seemed like a good idea. Thomas Brown cousin was lending him his flat in London and he was throwing a massive gaff. Me, Dev, Niall and Will got the train in, already drunk enough to start partying. But then Will fell over and his lip burst. And Dev and Niall got so fucking pissed. And Sabrina kept kissing me. So I left.

I take a sip of water as I turn the corner, surprised when I stumble onto a busy street. People are laughing and dancing even though there's no music. I look up and down the street, taking in the busy clubs and pubs as people meander about. I feel a sudden rush of bile rise up and groaning, lean against the iron railings. I've still got half an hour till the train comes in, I've got time to try and stop myself puking everywhere. I stand still, sighing with relief when the purple and red spots leave my vision. I take another sip of water, watching the people on the street, my body freezing when I see two guys kissing. 

One has blonde hair and freckles, and the other one is proper fit, the splitting image of Chadwick Boseman. I watch as they kiss, their eyes shut gently, as if there's no on around them. As if they're not on a street in West London, surrounded by drunk people. I watch as the blonde guy runs his hands through the other guy's hair. My heart pangs with jealousy as I look away, pushing my tongue into my cheek.

I bite my bottom lip as I pull my phone out from my jeans, and open Instagram. Simon Snow. I type into the search bar, wetting my lip as i wait for it to load. 

**No results found.**

I frown and hit refresh.

**No results found.**

I log out of Instagram and quickly type his name into Facebook. **No results found.** I sigh as I turn my phone off, leaning against the cool iron. I look down at my legs, frowning as my head starts pounding heavily. "Hey." I turn and blink when a guy sits next to me, grinning at me brightly. He's got dyed blonde hair but you can tell from his roots that he's got naturally auburn hair. He's got a nose piercing and a couple piercings in his ears. He's wearing a oversized white shirt and ripped black jeans. He's must be freezing with no jacket on. But the weirdest thing is that he's smiling at me as if I'm meant to know who he is. ""What's up?" he asks, cocking his head. I narrow my eyes at him. "You don't remember me?" I look away. "Emily's brother," he smiles lightly as he watches me carefully. I nod apologetically. "She's in your year," he continues. "Emily O'Sullivan?"

"Yeah, yeah, shit sorry," I shrug as he grins.

"Ezra," he says as he shakes my hand. 

"Baz," I nod, taking another sip of water as he takes a drink from the pink liquid he's holding. There's two straws in the clear cup. And a little pink umbrella.

"So, you...uh...come here often?" he asks, tilting his head as he leans against the railings next to me.

" _Here_?" I ask, confused. Does he mean London? Because then no. London actually kind of terrifies me. I just want to go home.

"To the gay street," he smirks, arching an eyebrow. I look up at him, my eyes widening.

"I uh...I didn't know this was... _the gay street_ ," I say as I look at all the guys kissing guys and girls kissing girls. Oh. "I thought this was Old Compton Street," I say, frowning at the street sign on the wall. I crinkle my nose when Ezra laughs at me. "If this is gay street, then why are there straight people here?"

"You think there are straight people?" he asks, still laughing lightly. I nod my head, raking a hand through my hair. "Who?" he asks, looking around.

"That couple," I say, pointing to a guy and a girl that are talking, the girls feet on his lap. 

"Oh, no. He's definitely gay," Ezra nods knowingly.

"But he's with his girlfriend," I object, pointing at them again, frowning when Ezra pushes my hand back down.

"Oh, you really don't know," Ezra says, smiling softly. I shrug, shaking my head. "She isn't the girlfriend. She's the fag hag."

"The _what_?" I ask, arching my eyebrows. 

"The fag hag. The heterosexual girl who wants to stay with you," he says before he takes another sip of his pink drink. I shake my head, running the back of my hand over my mouth. "What?" he asks me.

"I just don't get why you... gay people," I try not to let my voice waver. "always think that everyone's gay. When, statistically, they're probably not. Why?" He smiles, running his tongue before he pulls his phone out from his jacket pocket. 

"Fine. Wait." I frown when he shows me his phone, holding up Grindr. "Got you," he shakes his head. I frown when I see that the profile belongs to the guy sitting with the girl. "Four meters away is Wes24." I watch as Ezra scrowls down. "Top only," he read out loud. "Yeah, you wish mate," he snorts, shaking his head. "Test done two weeks ago. Oh, well done Wes," Ezra smiles, then he giggles. "Well, if you were wondering, Baz. The twenty four isn't his age,” showing me his phone. My nose crinkles at the picture Ezra shows me. 

Then I jump up onto the wall and throw my guts up, clinging desperately onto the railing as I puke. "Ooft. Guess we can rule you out as gay if a picture of a dick makes you literally sick," Ezra smiles. He frowns when I don't reply. "Hey, are you okay?" 

I shake my head as I jump back down, my knees clicking when I stumble. "No. I feel like fucking shit," I snarl, wiping my mouth with my sleeve before holding my head in my hands. 

"I can give you a lift back to Cloisters," Ezra says. "I've got my car. I was gonna leave anyway." I shake my head as I sit down again, pinching the bridge of my nose. 

"No," I shake my head. "I think I'll just stay here and try to recover. I can get the train."

"The train takes three hours." He rolls his eyes when I don't reply. "You don't have to worry," he shrugs. "In this condition I wouldn't like to have sex with you, even if you looked like Timothée Chalamet. Wait, actually," he grins, winking. "You actually kind of too." I sigh, letting my head drop. "I'm still not going to try and have sex with you though," he says, giggling slightly. 

"Fuck you," I shake my head as I push him lightly. "But fine, whatever. You better not fucking crash."

 

Monday, April 01 - 12:50

I frown as I look up at the clock on the biology classroom wall. I've still got ten minutes till class starts. I could probably go down to the canteen, but everyone's pissing me off (more than usual) today. I frown as I open my laptop, tapping the keys before I open Facebook. I check that no one's behind me before I type Simon Snow into the search bar again. Maybe I just didn't have good service on the gay street. No results found. 

Is this boy even real? Does he actually exist? Or have I made him up?

I shoot my luck and type his name into Google, sighing at first when nothing shows up. I scroll down the page, my breath hitching when I almost scroll past a video. But then I see his bronze curls in the thumbnail, and his bright and dancing eyes. He's not the main focus of the picture, which is why I almost missed it - there's a boy and a girl dancing in front of him. But he seems to shine the brightest. Even though he's in the background, he looks like the most important thing. I quickly pull my earphones out from my bag before I click play. 

Simon's sitting on a stool, a keyboard in front of him. I watch, holding my breath as he starts to play, his long fingers quickly playing. I register that the girl and boy begin to dance, but my eyes are stuck on Simon. And then he starts singing, and the whole world freezes. The whole world fucking disappears. The whole world doesn't matter as I listen to him sing and play the keyboard, his voice beautiful and soulful and like nothing I've ever head. Fucking hell, he's beautiful. His voice and his face and his hair and his fingers and his voice. 

I bite my lip when the dancers stop moving, the camera zooming in on Simon as he stops signing, his eyes on his fingers as he plays the last chords. Then he smiles up at he camera, and his blue eyes meet mine and my heart skips as he tilts his head sheepishly, and looks down, the camera panning back to the dancers.

"What are you watching?" 

I abruptly shut my laptop when Penelope sits down next to me, opening up her notes as she eyes me warily. I look away from her as she arches an eyebrow at me before I tap my pencil on the desk. "Have you got my stuff?" I whisper, leaning over to her as the rest of the class slowly files in. She slowly turns to face me, narrowing her eyes. "What stuff?" she asks innocently.

" _'What stuff?'_ " I ask, ludicrously, narrowing my eyes as I fold my arms.

"I thought you said it wasn't yours," Penelope shrugs, smirking. 

I blink at her, sighing deeply and counting to ten. I know it's bad, but I'm seriously considering pushing Bunce off of her chair. Whoever said that violence wasn't the answer obviously never met Penelope Bunce. "Can't you just give it to me?" She bites her lip before clicking her tongue and shrugging as she looks down at her notes. 

"I didn't see your friends at the meeting."

"I can't fucking force them to come, can I?" I protest angrily, folding my arms.

"'Control your hoes,' is all I'm saying," Penelope shrugs, grinning at me. For fuck's sake. 

"Bunce, I can't take this anymore," I say, shrugging as I stare at her.

"Neither can I," she sighs, obviously annoyed this is coming to an end so quickly. I frown, confused. "Where do you want it?" she shakes her head, arching an eyebrow at me.

"You have it?" I ask, trying not to hide my relief. Penelope nods slowly. I bend down, and slowly pull my bag over towards Penelope. She looks down and slowly pulls the weed out of her bag and goes to put it in the side compartment of my bag. "No, no, no, the big compartment," I say quickly, as we both shuffle with the bags. We both look up when the teacher calls our names. 

"Baz, Penelope. What are you doing?" We both share a look before I kick my bag further under the table. 

"Nothing," we both say at the same time. 

"What are you hiding under the table?" Mrs Possibelf asks, folding her arms. 

"Nothing," Penelope says again, standing her ground. "I was just getting something out of my bag."

"Penelope Bunce, as one of the smartest students at this school, you must know that I, myself, am not stupid. Now, I'll ask again, what are you hiding under the table." I blink when Penelope slams down tampons onto the table. My throat bobs as I watch Penelope arch an eyebrow at Mrs Possibelf. "Fine, if you want to know so badly, it's tampons that Baz brought me," she shrugs. 

"Fine, I apologise," Mrs Possibelf says as she walks back to the front of the class.

"Thanks Mrs, for embarrassing me in front of everyone! Did you see how she put me on the spot?" she asks, turning to shake her head at me. I smile when she winks at me.

"That's enough, Penelope," Mrs Possibelf shakes her head. 

"We can't even have a private life anymore!" Penelope adds as Mrs Possibelf walks away from us. When the teacher's back is turned and she starts talking to Niall and Sarah, I burst out laughing, covering my mouth with my hand as I shake my head. "Fucking hell," I giggle as Penelope slides the tampons back into her bag. "That was smart," I admit, grinning. 

"Thank you," she nods as she laughs lightly. I keep laughing even after Mrs Possibelf tells the class to settle down. "I guess I am pretty smart."


	5. You're Eighteen, Right?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Are you totally fucking gay or what?"

Wednesday, April 3 - 08:30

I look up from my phone as I look out for Dev. I'm meant to be walking to Physics with him, but he's not shown up yet. I perk up when I see Sarah crossing the schoolyard, her long blonde ponytail swishing in the wind. I stand up from the bench and try and look casual as I walk towards her. 

"Hi Baz," she smiles. I look up form my phone and try and act surprised.

"Oh hey, Sarah," I smile back, nodding as I shoulder my bag. "Oh, I was uh...I was wondering if there was going to be any more eco committee meetings soon?" I ask, scratching my ear. I really have no interest in going to a meeting to listen to Sarah talk about trees and bees, but if it means I can see Simon again, I'm pretty sure I can face it. I feel a bit guilt when Sarah grins brightly, albeit a bit surprised.

"It's so nice you're getting involved, Baz," she smiles, patting my shoulder. "We're not having a meeting this week," she says and I try to not let my disappointment show. "But there's this big party for all the committees and outside curricular clubs next week, so we'll do a group pre-game," she smiles, twirling a strand of hair around her finger. "Actually," she starts, smiling up at me. "Maybe you could host it?" I furrow my brows before asking why. I'm never asked to host. Ever. I think everyone's too scared of Fiona to risk getting beved at mine. Not that she'd care but if something got broke she'd go mental. 

"My mum's having a wine gathering, Emily's got totally trashed so she's not allowed any more parties, and Penny's parents are muslim. But you could host! You just live with your aunt, right? I mean, obviously only if she said it was okay..."

"Maybe," I nod, raking a hand through my hair.

"What's going on?" I turn to see Dev, Niall and Will walk over. Will's grinning extra wide at Sarah. She doesn't even spare him a second look. 

"Baz's hosting the group pre-game before the committee party next week. Do you guys want to come?" she asks innocently. 

"Group party?" Niall smirks as Dev snorts. "Why the hell would you host that?" I shrug awkwardly as Sarah frowns and folds her arms.

"Why are you laughing? Do you think Watford's committees are stupid?" The four of us stand awkwardly. I sway on my feet as Dev scratches the back of his neck, Niall looks down at his shoes and Will keeps smiling at Sarah like a tool. "Committees and clubs lay the social foundation for this school. You should really get involved. It's where class, age, race, sexual orientation and..." As we listen to Sarah talk on, a glimpse of gold catches my eyes. I blink as I watch Simon cross the schoolyard, hands casually slung in his blazer pockets, a pencil tucked behind his ear. My lips part slightly as I watch him, his legs striding as he walks, turning his head in my direction. I blink when his eyes meet mine, a small smirk tugging at the side of his lips as we watch each other. He looks away and I wet my lips as he starts talking to the Rhys, in the year above me. I watch him until Sabrina suddenly appears in front of me, smiling, Ava and another girl beside her. 

"Hey, did you get my text?" she asks. I blink as I look away from Simon and try to smile at her. 

"Uh, sorry, sorry no, I didn't," I say quickly, wanting her to turn and walk away. I want her to stop blocking my view of Simon. 

"It's just that we're having a group pre-game on Friday, and were wondering if you guys wanted to come," Sabrina says as she lightly pushes Sarah out to the way. I see Sarah frown, and look at Will, but he's too busy staring at Ava to notice. 

"Uh, Friday?" I say slowly, folding my ams as I pretend to debate it in my head. "I uh, I don't really know, I think that maybe-" I keep stuttering through, ignoring Dev arching his eyebrows and Will scowling at me. 

"Baz has brain damage," Niall interrupts me, pushing me behind Dev as he nods at Sabrina and her friends. "We're definitely coming." I frown as I feel Sabrina's eyes on me even as I look down at my shoes. 

"Okay, cool," she says. "I'll text you." I'm pretty sure she's saying that to me but I refuse to look up at her. 

"What the fuck?" Niall punches my arm when Sabrina and her friends walk away. I frown, looking away from them as I meet Sarah's eyes. She's watching me sadly. "Are you totally fucking gay or what?" My heart lurches.

"I just get these psycho vibes from her," I shrug, looking away as I shoulder my bag. 

"Who cares if she's psycho?" Niall asks, looking at me as if my head's on fire. "She's fucking fit."

"Where do these Year Eleven girls get their confidence from?" Sarah asks, furrowing her eyebrows as anger drips into her voice. "What?" she asks, pissed off when she sees our confused faces. "Why are Year Elevens' asking Year Twelve boys to all of their parties?" she scowls, folding her arms. "Are they complete noobs?" she asks, gesturing wildly. "They aren't supposed to go after you!"

"What's the problem with that?" Dev shrugs as he slings his hands into his back pockets.

"The problem is that there is a _system_ ," Sarah says as if she's explaining this rationally. As if what she's talking about is rational. "If Year Elevens start sleeping with Year Thirteens and start sleeping with Year Twelves guys too, then who are _we_ supposed to sleep with?" I hold back a laugh as we watch Sarah get actually upset about this. I share a look with Dev, who shakes his head and go to tell Sarah we've got to go when Will opens his stupid fucking mouth. 

"I mean, I'm free," he says, and I sigh when I realise he's being serious. "If you want to have sex with someone, I'm completely free. Anytime, anyplace." Jesus fucking Christ. I stifle a laugh by shoving my knuckle against my mouth as Sarah narrows her eyes and frowns with disgust. "Don't be rude!" she crinkles her nose and shakes her head before she turns and walks away, muttering under her breath. 

I snort as me, Dev and Niall start to walk towards the school. "Bro, you are a fucking pillock," Niall sighs, clapping Will on the back. 

"What did she mean by that?" Will asks confused, chasing after us. "Guys, is she playing me?" I shake my head as we walk into school, instantly surrounded by the low humming of the usual chatter. 

"I had no idea you were that desperate, William," I grin before Will kicks my shoes, tripping me up. 

 

Friday, April 6 - 1:01

As soon as the video of Simon finishes playing, I click replay again. I watch as he sings and plays, his voice filling my room. I lean my head against the wall and shut my eyes as I listen to him sing, stretching out on my bed. I open my eyes when Simon stops singing to catch the small sheepish small he throws the camera before it pans back to the dancers' end pose. I run my tongue over my teeth before I start typing the lyrics of the song into Google. I swear I've heard the song before, but I just can't remember where from.

I tap my fingers on my laptop as I wait for Fiona's crappy wifi to work. When it finally does, I push my tongue into my cheek as a film pops up. A Star is Born. Never seen it. But maybe Simon has. And he sang the song from it. Maybe he loves the film. Maybe he's seen it four times. Maybe he's got posters of it in his room. Or maybe he's never seen it. And just sang a song his friend asked him to while she danced for a school project. Or maybe not.

I tap as my mouse hovers over the button to buy the film. I glance at the time, cringing slightly when I see how late it is. Or maybe how early it is. Then I think, fuck it, and click buy, putting my headphones in so I don't wake up Fiona. I sit up, pulling my blanket over my shoulders as I settle in to watch Bradley Cooper sing. 

 

Friday, April 6 - 02:23

I sniff, wiping my eyes with the back of my hands as I close my laptop over. I let the tears cling to my jaw before I brush them away. My throat bobs as stand up, letting the laptop slide off of my lap. I go over to pull my blinds shut, leaning against the window as the orange streetlight streams in, illuminating the shadows of my room. As I pull my t-shirt off and my jeans, stepping into my pyjama shorts, I try and push out the image of Simon from my head.

Push out his blue eyes, that are so extraordinarily ordinary. Push out his blue eyes, that wander off when he's quiet and that dance when he smiles. Push out the constellation of moles on his neck. Push out the way he picked that window's lock, they way he vaulted out of it, his long legs moving gracefully. Push out the way he smiled at me on Wednesday, his eyes twinkling as he looked at me like he knew something I didn't. The way his long fingers danced on that piano, the way his blue eyes clouded over as he sang, his voice hoarse and raw and beautiful. Push out the way our fingers brushed when we walked up to the roof. Push out the way his lips part when he laughs.

I sigh, half angrily and half longingly as I shake my head and pull my curtains shut roughly. I fall down onto my bed, slowly drifting off to thoughts of blue eyed boys with wiry smiles and pencils tucked behind their ears as they sing Lady Gaga. 

 

Friday, April 6 - 16:07 

"I am so going to get laid tonight." I turn to see Will and Niall come up between me and Dev as we walk out of school. I roll my eyes as Dev laughs. "At least one girl, guys. That's not much to ask for. One girl. And you," he says as he wraps his arms around me and Dev, "Are going to help me." 

"Right okay," I nod, shoving him off of me as we walk, everyone from school walking down the same street. "I'll sit beside you while you have sex with this poor girl and take you through it step by step." Will frowns as two Year Tens run past him, pushing him off the kerb. Will swears after them before I pull him back onto the pavement. 

"I am so buzzed," Niall grins when we all pause at the start of his street. 

"Me too," Dev agrees. I nod, trying to be enthusiastic, even though on the inside I'm fucking screaming. "And, you owe me a beer by the way," Dev says to me as I lean on the short brick wall, leaning his arm on my shoulder.

"Huh? _What_?" I object, pushing him off of me before I fold my arms.

"Yeah, that party Andrew and Rose had, I gave you practically my whole six pack," he says, arching his eyebrows as he shoulders his bag.

I shake my head, "Nah, remember that party in January, I gave you three beers."

"Yeah but then I gave you a six-pack. And what's six take away three, Baz?"

"Fuck you," I sigh, shaking my head.

"It's true," Niall nods from his seat on the wall beside me.

"What do you mean _it's true_?" I protest, elbowing him. "You weren't even fucking there!"

"He just gets it," Dev nods, clapping Niall's shoulder.

"It goes without saying," Niall shrugs. I roll my eyes, as they all stand there watching me expectedly.

"Fine. Fine. I'll get Fiona to get it."

"Fiona?" Dev asks, arching an eyebrow. 

"Yeah," I nod as I clap him on the back. "I'll fix it, don't worry," I say as we all split up, going towards our houses. 

"Text us when we should be there," Niall calls to me as I walk towards the bus stop.

"Yeah, I'll find out," I nod before I cross the road. I hear them all shout stuff over and even though I don't hear what they say exactly, I shove the middle finger up at them, because the chances are they're being dicks. I walk over to the bus stop, leaning against it as I text Fiona.

**Baz: 16:10 - Are you at home? Can you get me some beer please?**

I push off when the bus pulls up, dropping my pound in and muttering thanks to the driver as I walk in. I don't look up from my phone, just walk over to the side, grabbing onto the pole as the bus starts moving. I hum under my breath as Fiona texts me, only realising I'm humming that damn Shallow song when Fiona finally texts back.

**Fiona: 16:11 - Sorry kid, working till 9**

''Hey."

I look up to see Simon standing next to me, smiling brightly. I feel my face redden as my throat bobs. Shit. Shitting fuck.

"Hi," I say, cringing on the inside. Then he bites his bottom lip and I start screaming. On the inside.

"Going home?" he asks as he sways on his feet. He's not holding onto anything, and I'm surprised he hasn't fallen over yet.

"Uh, yeah," I nod as I slip my phone into my blazer pocket. "You?" He nods, and then we spend a minute just watching each other. His eyes are so blue. And he's got a small scar on his right eyebrow. I smile when he stumbles slightly, grabbing onto the pole I'm holding before he decks it. I hold my breath when his fingers brush mine. I didn't realise he was shorter than me. But he is. By at least three inches. 

"Great chat," he laughs awkwardly, and I swear to fucking God, death would be easier than this bus ride. I pray for the ground to swallow me up as I watch Simon look out the window, his square jaw clenched. Then an idea pops into my head as I see a shop with a sign about cider in it's window. It's probably a really stupid idea, and he's going to think I'm a pillock, but I ask anyway.

"You're eighteen, right?" He looks back at me as I speak. He nods, tilting his head. "Do you think you could maybe buy me some beer?" I ask tentatively, smiling when he laughs loudly. He nods slowly as he laughs. 

"I don't see why not," he shrugs before he presses the stop button and walks towards the door. "C'mon," he calls, gesturing with his head for me to follow him. I bite the inside of my cheek, trying to stop myself from actually glowing. Because I think I might be. He elbows me lightly as we get off of the bus, looking up at me from underneath his eyelashes. His eyelashes shouldn't be allowed to be that long.

*

I wait for him outside of Sainsbury's, leaning against the wall as I pick at my wool blazer. I kick at the ground as I wait, scrolling through shitty homemade memes that Will sent the group chat. I look up when Simon walks out, shrugging at me.

"I forgot my ID. It's at home. Which isn't too far away. Wanna come get it with me?" he asks. I don't say anything, but he walks off anyway, his long legs striding away as he gestures for me to follow him. I stand still for a moment, watching him walk off, because he's going home. And he want me to come with him. To his house. And his room. Where he sleeps. Where he eats and sings and sleeps and showers and gets changed. Fuck, where he gets _changed_.

But then I chase after him, pushing myself off of the wall. Fuck.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry it's been a while lads, but studying has been crazy lately
> 
> as always leave a comment if you enjoyed it :)


	6. Chilli and Basil

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "You're so clever. Let me be proud of you."

Friday, April 6 - 16:48

I stand in Simon's doorway as I watch him kick his Vans off and then tug his blazer off before he hangs it up on a row of pegs. He tilts his head when he turns around to see me awkwardly standing there. "I can take your blazer," he offers, holding his hands out. 

"Thanks," I nod as I had it to him before untying my shoes and pushing them off with my heels.  

"Hello?" he calls as we walk through his house. "Guess no one's home," he shrugs as he leads the way. He lives in a flat with his mum and dad, he told me as we walked up here. No siblings. I told him he was lucky. His flat's pretty big, with high ceilings and large rooms. And it looks like a proper home, not like Fiona's flat. Simon's apartment is put together, with grey wallpaper and houseplants that are alive and paintings hanging on the walls. And it's clean. 

But then we reach his room and I smile slightly. Because it's a fucking mess. "Shit," he says as he starts throwing clothes from the floor not his closet. "Sorry, it's not normally this bad. But I've been studying and I guess I forgot to clean up and..." he keeps going as he kicks things under his bed. 

"I don't care," I shrug, as I step further into his room, fully taking everything in. I look at his double bed, the bed he sleeps in. He has an abundance of pillows, about six, all lying across the grey bed sheet. I look at his desk, which has paint and pens and paper scattered all over it. I smile softly at the keyboard against his wall, sheet music stacked on the top. It's the only neat thing in the room. "I swear I left it here," he murmurs as he searches through a bookcase, opening boxes and peering into them. 

I turn to the wall beside his wardrobe. It's plastered in photos, ticket stubs, train tickets, postcards and...drawings. They're all in biro, and are all a bit smudged. But they're incredible. Beautiful. My hands trace a portrait of a girl, with long hair and a delicate face. "Did you draw these?" I ask, turning to face him.

"Oh, yeah," he nods, looking up from his desk. "They're pretty shit. Just doodles."

"No. No, they're good," I smile as I turn back to the drawings, looking at one of a boy that looks like Simon, surrounded by horrifying demon looking things. There's another one of that girl again, lying down in a meadow of blooming flowers. And there's lots of drawings of a dog. 

"Thanks," he says as he searches through the pockets of a jacket.

"They're beautiful," I admit, biting my bottom lip as I watch him. "But what's with the dog?"

"It's a wolf. And it's me," he says, straightening up and walking closer to me. "My spirit animal," he grins down at me. 

I arch an eyebrow. "The dog is your _spirit animal_?"

"The _wolf_ ," he clarifies, folding his arms like I'm not taking hims seriously enough. "Wolves are awesome," he says, turning back to the drawings. I nod, running my tongue over my teeth and eating whether to take this shot. I do, breathing out slightly as I shove my hands into my pockets.

"And how would you draw me?" I ask, sounding a whole lot more confident than I feel, as I meet Simon's gaze. He turns around fully to face me, and cocks his head as he smiles at me curiously. He bites his top lip as he watches me. I keep watching him back. Blue against grey. Then he breaks it, shrugging as he turns away. "I don't know. I'll have to think about it." I snort. 

"Here it is," he says as he pushes his bed covers back.

"You found your ID?" I ask. 

"No, but..." he trails off and when I turn to face him, he's holding up a joint. I grin. 

 

Friday, April 6 - 17:25

I lean back into Simon's couch as he lights the joint, his feet on the coffee table. "And so she just threw up, right there," I say continuing my story as Simon giggles. 

"You're lying," he shakes his head, passing me the joint.

"I swear it, threw up all over Dev, right after they pulled."

"That is fucking grim," Simon crinkles his nose as he leans his head back, his curls falling. "But what is debatably worse is that you were at an Arctic Monkeys concert," he says as he tips his head to meet my eyes, arching an eyebrow.

"What? You don't like the Arctic Monkeys?" I ask, he shrugs as his mouth breaks into a massive grin. "What kind of music do you like?"

"Happy music," he says, raking a hand through his hair. "Not music were they shout at me."

"Okay, well that's not what the Arctic Monkeys do," I object, pulling my phone out and scrolling through Spotify. "And I'll prove it."

"No, no, no," Simon protests, shuffling closer to me as he tries to grab my phone from me. I grin as I hold him back, scrolling trough my music. "Please don't subject me to it, Baz," he mockingly begs as he tries to reach for my phone. I try to not think about how our legs are intertwined. 

"Give it a shot," I say, pushing him away as I hit play on Fluorescent Adolescent. Simon moves back to his spot and folds his arms for about a minute. And then he starts singing along. And holy fuck, this boy. "So you do like them," I say, arching an eyebrow.

"No, but this is from the Inbetweeners, right?" I nod. "Well, okay, they have one good song." 

"I didn't know you could sing," I blatantly lie. He shrugs modestly, scratching the back of his neck.

"I can't. Not really. But I like to."

"I like listening," I say without thinking, my cheeks blushing when he smiles at me. I quickly pass him back the joint and watch as he takes a drag before leaning back, blowing smoke out. He shuts his eyes softly, and for a moment I just watch him. Watch his chest rise and fall under his school shirt. Watch his eyes flutter slightly. Watch him as he starts humming. It's that Shallow song again. 

I dig my nails into my palms before I start humming along with him. He opens his eyes and watches me. "You know the song?" he asks. I just nod. He snorts and I arch an eyebrow.

"What?"

"Didn't think it was your style," he says, moving over closer to me. "You're very surprising," he says, his bright eyes meeting mine suddenly. "I like surprising people."

 

 

Friday, April 6 - 17:49

"Right, so I have Heinz tomato soup," Simon says as he looks up at me. I'm sitting on the kitchen counter, so right now I'm almost five inches taller than him. 

"Nice," I nod watching as he pours the soup into the pot.

"And," he says, grinning brightly as he pulls open his fridge. "I also have beer."

"Beer is good," I nod when he hands me one, clinking the bottles together. 

"So," he asks, tilting his head. "What kind of seasoning would you like?"

"Seasoning?" I repeat, tilting my head at him. 

"For our soup," he says as he opens a cupboard and starts pulling out herbs and spices. 

"Oh, of course," I laugh, taking another sip of beer. 

"Tabasco?" he asks, arching an eyebrow. I nod and laugh as he pours it into the pot. "Barbecue sauce?"

"Love barbecue sauce," I nod. "Especially in my tomato soup."

"Oh, me too," he grins. "Chilli?" he asks, biting his lip as if he thinks I'm going to say no.

"Always chilli," I say, smirking cockily. "Go ahead. I say put all of it it."

"All of it?" he asks, grinning. I nod, giggling when he literally chucks the whole pot of chilli powder into the soup. "Basil?" he asks, smirking slightly as he plucks some leaves from the basil plant on the window ledge. 

"I mean, it _is_ my namesake," I say, twirling the beer in my fingers.

"So we kind of have to," he nods, throwing the leaves in. "It's pretty much fate. More?" he asks, his blue eyes dancing as he watches me. I push my tongue into my cheek, pretending to ponder as I hold my head in my hands before I shake my head. "No. That's enough."

"That's enough," he repeats, nodding. I like hearing my words in his voice. "Mhh, I'm thinking honey," he says, grinning up at me as he pulls down a pot of honey from the cupboard. I go to reply when my phone beeps in my pocket. "Definitely honey," I tell him before checking my phone.

**Dev: 17:34 - when should we be at Sabrina's**

**Dev: 17:43 - did you get beer**

**Dev: 17:50 - fucking answer Baz**

I frown as I then get a text from Sabrina.

**Sabrina: 17:22 - Hey, the buzzer doesn't work, so just text when you're here and I'll come down and get you x**

**Sabrina: 17:22 - I told everyone my parent's will be back at 1, but that's a lie ;) this way it can just be you and me for a couple of** **hours**

**Sabrina: 17:51 - When are you guys coming?**

"How about...cinnamon?" I look up to see Simon holding a pot of cinnamon, wiggling it at me. I smile, before I shrug.

"Yeah, fuck it." He laughs, his white teeth practically fucking blinding me as he shakes it in.

"I think it's going to taste like piss," he admits as he looks down into the soup. "But, there is no turning back now."

"No turning back now," I nod slowly before I go back to text Dev and Sabrina back. 

 **Baz: 17:52 - Sorry man, Sabrina and Ava called it off, so I'm just going to chill at home** **tonight.**

****Baz: 17:52 - Sorry, we forgot we're doing something else tonight, but we'll join another time.** **

Then I shut my phone off and look down at Simon as he stirs the soup. "I think it's almost done," he says, blowing on the soup. "Our masterpiece." 

"Our masterpiece."

 

Friday, April 6 - 19:34

I spit out the soup back into the bowl as soon as it goes into my mouth. "Ugh. Nope," I shake my head as Simon crinkles his nose.

"Something doesn't quite match," he agrees but he's still smiling as he looks up at me. "But, I think it's so bad that it's actually quite good."

"No," I shake my head, pushing the bowl down the table and away from me. "It's so bad, it became even worse."

"It was you that decided on all the spices, Baz," Simon shrugs as he takes another spoonful for some reason.

"It's very important to use a lot of chilli," I shrug. "We must've gone wrong somewhere else. Probably the basil."

"But that's your _namesake_ ," he sighs dramatically. "Maybe we should've eaten it straight after making it. It's all cold now."

"You're the one who wanted to watch Netflix, not me," I giggle right before the door bell goes and Simon's face bleaches.

"Oh fuck," he cringes before turning to me. "What time is it?"

"Half seven?" I say, checking my phone, arching an eyebrow as he stand up from his seat.

"Shit, sorry, I forgot I'd invited some friends over for a pre-party."

"Oh, that's okay. I can go," I say as I start to stand.

"No," he say quickly, his hand on my shoulder. My heart lurches a little bit. "Stay. It's fine. Please stay, we've got lots of beer. You don't need to leave." I don't say anything, just nod before he goes off to the door. When I hear voices from the hall, I stand up, awkwardly hovering in the dining room while I wait for Simon to come back. I smile when he walks back in with two girls and a boy. One of the girls, the smaller one with the long blonde hair, I recognise is the girl from Simon's drawings. "Introduce yourselves," Simon grins at his friends. He's holding a bottle of wine and he's jumping from foot to foot. 

"I'm Sophie," the other girl says, shaking my hand. 

"Baz," I reply, nodding. "Nice to meet you."

"Jack," the guy nods, slapping my shoulder lightly. 

"And this is Agatha," Simon grins as he puts his arm around the beautiful, pale girl. "My girlfriend."

I blink.

"Agatha Wellbelove. Nice to meet you, Baz," she smiles prettily as she shakes my hand. I just nod. Why did I ever think that...of course he has a girlfriend. A beautiful, pale, blonde girlfriend. "Your girlfriend just became saleswoman of the month," she says, turning back to Simon as he wraps his arms around her waist. 

"Really? Wow!" he grins as she wraps her skinny arms around his neck. 

"It's nothing," she shrugs shyly. 

"You're so clever. Let me be proud of you."

"Okay, be proud. I brought a bottle of wine that James gave me," she says, looking up at Simon from under her long, curled eyelashes. 

"Did he flirt with you?" Simon pouts. 

"Yeah, a little, but it's okay."

"That's not why you got the saleswoman of the month, right?"

"Well, maybe," Agatha says, her red lips curving up into a smile. And then her lips are being pushed against Simon's and her hands are on his neck and he's grinning into the kiss. I look away, my heart beating loudly. I'm so fucking stupid. I can't believe I thought there was a possibility that maybe-

I growl when my phone goes.

****Niall: 19:36 - y r u lying? talked to sabrina and ava** **

I sigh as I keep my eyes on the floor, fully aware of Simon still kissing Agatha, as I turn my phone off.

I'm such a fucking fool.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> pls don't be too mad at me lol ;)
> 
> *Baz protection team screaming in the distance*


	7. 30% Gay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Dick."

Saturday, April 7 - 13:26

****Sabrina (1 day ago): 19:37 - Hi, I just want to say that we talked to your friends and we know that you didn't have other plans. If you're not** interested, that's ok, but you don't have to give me false hope by saying you're coming to the pre-party when you aren't, that's really shitty. You're an asshole**

****Sabrina (1 day ago): 20:02 - Hello?! Is it so hard to answer?** **

****Sabrina (1 day ago): 20:24 - Sorry I called you an asshole, it's possible you have an good reason, but can you plz answer** **

****Sabrina (1 day ago): 20:48 - ASSHOLE!!** **

I sigh as I re read Sabrina's texts from last night. I look up as I try and think of what I can say back to her, watching the kids play football on the pitch. I'm waiting for Dev and Niall to show up, but the tossers are late. Although I think I might be the tosser in our group right now. Frowning, I look back at my phone, practically feeling Sabrina's rage coming off of my phone.

****Baz: 13:28 - Hey Sabrina,** **

I click off of my phone when Dev and Niall walk over to me, both of them smiling awkwardly at me. "Hey man," Dev nods, clapping my back as he jumps up onto the back of the bench beside me. 

"Hi," I nod, avoiding Niall's gaze.

"Hey traitor," he says, and I can tell he's not really joking.

"Traitor?" I ask, laughing lightly. "Fuck," I give a huff of amusement, raking a hand through my hair.

"That was pretty shitty of you," Niall shrugs, folding his arms. "You just let us down. What's with that?" he asks, his green eyes wide.

"Yeah, sorry, man, just..." I trail off, realising that maybe I should've come up with a lie before they showed up. "There was just a lot of um...stress," I shrug, fully aware of how vague I'm being. 

"Stress? What do you mean stress?" Dev asks as he leans against the fence surrounding the pitch as he drops his football onto the ground. I shake my had as I pull my hoodie up over my head, desperately trying to think of something. "I'll arrange a new pre-party, okay?" I say defensively, jolting my knee up and down. 

"Yeah, okay," Dev frowns. "But what kind of stress?"

"Just," I sigh, biting my lip. "There was something up with my dad," I finally say, avoiding Dev's eyes. Niall and Will don't really now a lot about the stuff with my dad, but Dev does. He was my best friend through it all. When I still lived with my dad, Dev was the person I called when it got too much. Dev let me crash at his house every night, no questions asked. When I skipped school after my mum died, Dev was always there, letting me lean on his shoulder. He didn't try and pretend like everything would be okay like everyone else did. He didn't ask me if I was okay. He didn't tell me she was in better place now. Because we both know she wasn't. Because death is just death. It's just nothing.

"Your dad? What's up with him?" Niall asks, snorting. "Your dad has nothing to do with you snaking us. You don't even see him, Baz." I look up as Niall continues, meeting Dev's eyes. He frowns lightly at me, and I pray he can't see the lie behind my eyes.

"He was stressed out," I shrug defensively, turning back to Niall. "Mordelia hurt herself or something," I lie, chewing on the inside of my cheek.

"He was stressed out? My dad's been stressed out since I was born," Niall shrugs, and I'm pretty sure I'm just making him madder.

"How's Mordelia?" Dev asks after a moment of awkward silence.

"She's fine," I shake my head. I scowl when the two of them share a pitiful look, like I'm some sort of hurt animal that needs saving.

"Just arrange a new pre-party," Niall shrugs, smiling slightly as he pushes himself up off of the metal bench and kicks the football out of Dev's reach. "Case closed," he shrugs as he starts doing keeps uppys. Me and Dev watch as he walks towards the pitch, the ball not faltering. "Case closed," Dev smiles, ruffling my hair as he smiles softly.

"Closed."

 

Monday, April 10 - 03:15

I groan and turn over in my bed when I hear Fiona come in through the front door. I listen, facing the ceiling as she takes her shoes and jacket off and then tip toes to her room. I sigh, slamming my head back into my pillow. Why won't my stupid fucking brain just turn off for once.

I sigh as I grab my laptop, turning my bedside light o, giving up even trying to sleep. What's the point anyway? I scroll through Instagram, liking people's pictures and looking through the comments before a picture of Sabrina pops up. She's at a party. The party from Friday.

I frown as I look at her. Her big, brown eyes. Her big, dark brown curls. The way the blue disco lights illuminate her dark skin, casting patterns all over her face. She's dancing, arms thrown up and her head thrown back. The caption is the middle finger emoji and I can't help but feel a lit bit personally attacked. I sigh as I scroll through her comments. It's all just her friends saying how unreal she is, or guys asking for her number.

She is pretty.

It's not that I don't think she's pretty. Maybe I'm just...I don't know. Slow at this. Maybe I'm not even gay. Then I remember that test that everyone did in Year Seven as pisstake, and I curse myself as I type it into Google.

_Wanted to know how fabulous you exactly are? Well, you can with this ultimate test!_

I bite my bottom lip as I scroll down, not really believing that I'm doing this.

1\. ARE YOU GAY? 

  * No, but my boyfriend is
  * Yes and proud of it!
  * I’m experimenting, I suppose
  * Not as far as I know



I frown as I click the second last one, all the answers are a bit shit. I scroll through them, clicking each answer honestly, even if my eyebrow arches at some of the questions. 

What's my favourite holiday? New Year's Eve, I guess. I didn't think gay people all liked the same holidays. Who are my friends? I click all straight guys, thinking about Dev and his hundreds of ex-girlifriends and Will and his desperate attempts at sex. Favourite cocktail? Don't drink cocktails.

I tap my laptop screen when the results pop up.

THE RESULTS ARE IN...AND YOU ARE 30% GAY!

I bite my lip. How can someone only be thirty percent gay? 

THIS MAKES YOU NOT SO GAY...BUT STILL FAB, PLUS YOU GOT HOPE, WE SEE THE POTENTIAL!

Not so gay. I push Simon's face out of my mind as I blink at the screen. I frown as I exit the quiz and type something else, Sabrina's picture in my mind. _How to get turned on by girls if you're gay._ I scroll through the pages, surprised there's so many results when I finally click on a website. I blink when I read the advice given. _Get drunk and try and focus on what's attractive about her. Works for me._

 

Monday, April 10 - 11:23

I cry out in frustration as my books clatter out of my locker and onto the floor for the third time. I kick the row of lockers, gritting my teeth as I resist the urge to smash my own head against my locker. I pick up my notebooks and shove them forcefully into the locker, ignoring how the paper crumples and all my work gets crushed up. I clench my jaw as I slam the locker door shut, screaming through my teeth as the door just swings open again and the books start to slip. I look up after leaning my forehead on my locker to see some people staring at me. I scowl and narrow my eyes at them until they wander off, snickering slightly. 

Sighing, I go to try again when a feel someone standing behind me. "Can you just fuck off, please!" I say as I turn. Then I frown when I meet Sarah's eyes. "Oh, hey, Sarah," I sigh before I hold my books out to her. "Can you hold these?" She nods as she takes the books from my hands.

"I'm sending out the invites tonight, and I wanted to know if we could hold the pre-game a little bit earlier?" she asks as I slam my locker shut, sighing with relief when the locker clicks shut. I frown at Sarah before I take my books back from her, hugging them to my chest as I shrug. "No. Because I'm not having the pre-party," I shake my head. 

"And why not?" Sarah asks, arching an eyebrow as she folds her arms. 

"Because I live with my Aunt, and she doesn't want to have a bunch of horny teenagers getting pissed in her home," I shrug.

"But your Aunt's normally so cool," she frowns, biting the inside of her cheek. "Please, Baz, we don't have anywhere else to-"

"I have a plan," I cut her off, planting my hands on her shoulders. "Let me deal with it, it's all going to be fine, Sarah. I have a plan," I tell her before I gently lead her away from me and towards the doors. "I'll see you around," I wave. She rolls her eyes at me before she walks away, shaking her head. I bite my bottom lip and before I turn back around, starting to make my way towards Biology, when I see Sabrina standing at her locker. The first thought that comes into my mind is to run before she sees me but then I remember what I read last night.  _Get drunk and try and focus on what's attractive about her. Works for me._

I slowly walk over to her, giving myself the space to sprint away if need be, before I lean against the row of lockers, folding my arms. "Hey." Sabrina turns, her eyes wide and bright, but when she sees me, she frowns and sighs slightly before turning back to her locker, ignoring me. "Shit," I mutter under my breath, before I try again. "Hey, I was wondering," I say as I push myself up off of the lockers. "I need some advice, so to speak." Sabrina ignores me as she continues to place her things in her locker. "Because there's this really cute girl in the year below me that I've made pretty angry. She has a good reason to be, because I fucked up a promise. That wasn't very nice." She doesn't say anything but she pauses, her fingers tapping her locker impatiently. 

"So, I was wondering," I say, cocking my head as I smile sheepishly. "Do you think I should just go and hang myself?" She turns to face me, smiling lightly as she tucks a curl behind her ear. "Or do you think there's a chance she might forgive me?" I lean my head against her locker, taking a step closer to her. "It's totally fine if she does it in like twenty years, just as long as she does." She smiles as she shakes her head, but she's grinning anyway. 

"Dick," she murmurs under her breath.

"I'm a dick?" I ask, smiling. Because I know I've got her. "You think I'm a dick?" I ask as I look up at her, cocking my head when she smirks. "Fuck. Then there are two girls that think I'm a dick. The cute one, and then you," I shrug. She kisses her teeth before she snorts. And then she shoots me a look that I think might be a warning but also a second chance before she starts to walk away, her hips swishing.

"Oh, did you just try and kill me with that look?" I ask as I follow her. "Was that what you were trying to do?" i ask as she looks at me from over her shoulder. I smirk when she pauses to let me catch up to her, biting her bottom lip as I start to run towards her, before I slip my hand into hers. "Do you really think I'm a dick?"

 


	8. Virtility

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Doesn't he look like an Egyptian Timothée Chalamet?"

Wednesday, April 12 - 12:43

I frown as turn away from the window, pretty confused as to why we're here. I furrow my eyebrows as I watch my friends practically drool on the glass. I'm missing lunch for this. I'm missing the school canteen's shitty but also delicious pizza and the one day they sell Capri Suns,  so my three idiotic friends can watch girls in shorts and sports bras dance. I lean against the wall and fold my arms as they watch the girls, their eyes wide. And I swear to God they all sigh when they stop dancing. And then Will starts clapping, grinning when the girls narrow their eyes at him.

"We only need six dancers for the show," the Year Thirteen guy who's leading this audition says as the girls."So I'll let you know within this week. Thank you!" he claps his hands as the girls disperse, taking down their hair and grabbing their waters. "Show's over guys," he says, tapping on the glass. I look up and frown when he arches his eyebrows at me, as if I'm the problem here.

"That was really good. Bravo!" Will keeps clapping as the guy walks away, shaking his head.

"Did he have to be so gay?" I snort, looking over at Dev as Will and Niall snicker about the dancers.

"What?" Dev asks, arching an eyebrow. I think about shutting up, about maybe just shrugging it off, but a part of me needs to know what he'll say.

"You didn't notice? He was like ultra gay." Dev frowns as he narrows his eyes at me.

" _Ultra gay_?" he repeats, eyebrows arched. "What's wrong with being gay?" he asks, clearly pretty angry with me as he pushes himself off of the wall and stands up straight, folding his arms.

"I didn't say there was anything wrong with it," I shrug. "It was just super obvious," I say defensively, my own voice getting sharper. Dev frowns as he looks at me like I'm fucking crazy. 

"So you're just pointing out gay people now?" he asks, crinkling his nose. "Really great observation, Baz," he scowls, looking at me as if I'm someone he's never met before.

"What's up with you?" I ask, shrugging as I try and not look like a toddler having a tantrum.

"With _me_?" he objects.

"You're so pissy right now," I say, raking a hand through my hair. 

"What? _Me_?" he asks, getting angrier now as he leans closer to me.

"Uh, _yeah_ ," I say, rolling my eyes as I look away, fiddling with my tie.

"You're the one that's fucking...grouchy!" he objects, shoving me lightly.

" _Grouchy_?" I ask, snorting. 

"Yeah, this morning when we walked into the classroom-"

"What are you talking about, I mean-"

"Baz, seriously what is wrong, are you-" We keep cutting each other off until Niall kicks me. And when I ignore him, he kicks me gain. Harder. "What. The. Fuck. Niall!" I hiss as I start to look over at him. "Stop..." And then I see Simon standing beside Niall, smiling awkwardly as he rakes his hair through his bronze curls. "Hello," he grins when I meet his eyes. 

"Uh, hey," I say, scratching the back of my neck.

"I was looking for you," he smiles and I can't tell if he's oblivious to the fact that this is a very awkward situation right now or if he just doesn't care. I hold my breath when I see Dev and Niall share a look. "You left this on Friday," he says, throwing me my beanie. Well, actually...

"Hey, that's mine," Dev frowns before he grabs it from my hands. "Where did you find it?"

Simon opens his mouth, but I don't trust his beautiful, innocent and naive mouth to say anything right now. Because I can't let my friends know I was at Simon's on Friday. "On the bus," I say quickly. "You found that on the bus, right?" I say, widening my eyes at Simon, and praying he gets it. He does. I hold my breath as Simon nods curtly, and even though his smile falters it doesn't leave his face. "Thanks man, that's great. Appreciate it." 

Simon watches me carefully , and my breathing hitches when he smirks at me slightly. "You're welcome," he nods, tipping his head slightly. "Bye," he says and I freeze up when he touches my shoulder, his touch burning through my blazer and shirt to my very skin. I frown before I step away from his touch, his hand falling slightly. "Bye!" he smiles at my friends before he walks off down the corridor. I want to watch him walk away but I don't. I keep my eyes on the ground before one of my friends speaks.

"He seems nice," Will says to me. "Who is he?"

"No one."

 

Friday, April 14 - 21:00

"So," Sarah starts talking to the group of about fifty kids from the school's clubs and committees as we stand outside of the school. "Welcome to the clandestine school party,' she pauses when everyone cheers. " _Clandestine_ ," she says after signalling for everyone to quieten down. "Because we have to be discrete until we're inside." I grin when I meet Dev's gaze in the crowd as he rolls his eyes at me. 

Me, Sarah, Emily and Penny are standing against the school's gate, facing everyone else. I am here unwillingly, and when Sarah started dragging me over here, I started to protest, but then one look from Penny had me shutting my mouth. Everyone's wearing masks, hoods and face paint, as if we're some shitty gang from the circus. I personally objected the idea that people must wear neon animal masks but Sarah insisted. And really, I couldn't give a fuck. I'm only here because there's a slim chance I might get to see Simon, although I might not even recognise him with all these stupid fucking masks.                                                                                            

"And how the fuck are we meant to do that?" Someone from the back of the crowd wearing a raccoon mask calls. 

"Baz Pitch here," Sarah grins up at me. "Somehow managed to get inside from the roof, and then opened this door," Sarah grins as she pushes the French door open gingerly, sighing when no alarm starts to ring. "So, the party's set up in the gym hall," she says before everyone surges towards her. "And you can only get in if you have a _PASSWORD_!" Sarah tries to shout but everyone's already pushing past in silent excitement. "You need the password!"

 

Friday, April 14 - 21:38

"Sarah really needs to re-evaluate her music taste," Sabrina says to me as I pour us both drinks. We're standing at the side of the hall, next to the propped up table that Emily and Penny nicked from the canteen. I arch an eyebrow as I pause to listen to the music. I don't recognise the song, but it sounds like a typical indie song that white girls listen to.

"Yeah and what do you listen to?" I ask Sabrina as I had her a beer poured in a shitty red cup. "Coldplay?"

"Yeah, and Little Mix," she smirks, shrugging as she sips from the cup. "Depends on my mood. I'm joking," she says when she sees my face. "I'm more old school rock. Like AC/DC or The Clash." I nod, biting my bottom lip. "You?" she asks, but I'm too busy trying to not stare at Simon as he walks into the gym hall. With his girlfriend. "Baz?" Sabrina giggles. I blink at her. "What type of music?"

"Oh, uh, indie stuff, I guess," I say as I down the beer.  _Get drunk and try and focus on what's attractive about her. Works for me._

"What like The Kooks?" she asks, tilting her head.

"Uh, yeah," I nod, letting my gaze slip to Simon who's talking to Sarah behind Sabrina. "You've...uh...you've heard of them?" I ask, trying to tear my eyes away from Simon. 

"Yeah sure, I went to their concert last Summer," she shrugs. I watch as Emily hugs Agatha before taking her and Simon's coats. "I think you underestimate me."

"Why do you say that?" I ask, laughing as I pour another drink. 

"I don't know. Either you underestimate _me_ , or _you're_ shy. I still haven't figured you out yet." I nod, ignoring everything she's saying as I down the beer. "So, are you shy or..." My breathing hitches when Simon kisses Agatha's head, before she walks off towards the dance floor, and he turns to face me and Sabrina. And before we can make eye contact, I push my lips against Sabrina's, pushing my hands up into her hair as I drop the red plastic cup onto the floor. She places her own cup back down on the table before her hands are on my chest and her lips are on my neck.

"So, these committee parties are just an excuse to have orgies then?" 

We pull apart when Simon steps between us, wrapping an arm around us both. "How about we all go dance together?" he asks, his eyes meeting mine. "The deserters of the roof," Simon breathes as he watches me. I bite my bottom lip as I watch the brightly coloured lights reflect in his blue eyes. I'm suddenly hyper aware of every move I make, especially with Simon's strong, freckly and gold arm around my shoulder. I'd forgotten Sabrina was still here until she speaks, her voice breaking the moment. I look away from Simon's bright, blue stare and stare at my Converse, stained in alcohol from my dropped cup. "Fine by me," she says, grinning up at Simon. "It's Elio here you've got to persuade."

"Elio?" Simon asks, arching an eyebrow at me.

"Look at him!" Sabrina giggles, gesturing at me as she smirks at Simon. "Doesn't he look like an Egyptian Timothée Chalamet?" I sigh, pushing my tongue into my cheek. Sabrina started this whole Elio thing on Tuesday and she thinks it's hilarious. It's really not. "Actually, you do!" Simon grins widely, nodding as he ruffles my hair. I shake my head, trying not to smile. Maybe it's a bit funny. "C'mon Elio, let's go dance together," Simon says, and even though he's grinning, there's a glimpse of something serious in his eyes.

"He doesn't like dancing," Sabrina tells Simon.

"Everybody likes dancing," Simon frowns at me, that glint still in his eyes as he watches me. And Simon doesn't look at me like everyone else does. Simon looks at me like there's a reason to keep looking at me. Like he sees something no one else does. I shake my head, dropping his gaze as I shrug, "I don't."

"Maybe it's because you're afraid you'll show your hidden homosexuality?" Simon asks, laughing. My heart stops for a moment before I laugh along with him and Sabrina. Fucking hell.

"Yeah," I nod. "You got it." But you've actually got it, Simon, I try to tell him though my eyes. I'm pretty sure I am gay. And I hope to fucking god you are too.

"It's not a problem for me," Sabrina shrugs as she lightly sways to the beat of the music. "I love gays." I frown as I watch her. She doesn't even hesitate, or think about it after it leaves her mouth. She doesn't see anything wrong with it. "All gays?" Simon asks, frowning slightly.

"Yeah, sure, they're all nice and funny!" she shrugs, laughing lightly. Simon nods before he lets his arms fall from our shoulders.

"Don't you think that's a bit of a generalisation?” Simon asks, and even though I can see the angry twitch in his jaw, he's speaking calmly. I just keep my mouth shut and tighten my fist. 

"Why?" Sabrina says after a moment, breaking the still air. 

"Because it's like saying," Simon says incredulously, "that all Arabic people are terrorists. You can't clump people together like that." Sabrina laughs, but I can tell she's a bit annoyed.

"But I said they're funny. Being funny isn't a bad thing. It's a compliment."

"I know some pretty boring gay people," Simon shrugs and I clench my jaw when he turns to meet my eyes, arching an eyebrow. I look away, even though I can feel his bright gaze on me. There’s no real scientific explanation to it, I just always knows when Simon's looking at me. I can _feel_ it. On my skin and in my bones. In my heart. "Well, this conversation is pretty boring too," Sabrina says as she looks over at me. "Are we going to dance, or are you afraid your virility is going to be in crisis?" she asks, cocking her head and grinning. 

"No. Nope. Let's go dance," I nod, letting Sabrina tug me onto the dance floor of the gym hall. As she drags me further, I turn and look back at Simon, blinking when I see him smirking at me from the drinks table.

 *

I pull Sabrina closer, feeling the music pounding in my chest as she wraps her arms around me and leans in for a kiss.  _Get drunk and try and focus on what's attractive about her. Works for me._

It’s not as the kiss is bad. It's nice, I guess. She’s smiling, and it’s nice to see Sabrina not pissed at me. But every cell in my body is screaming at me to find _him_ in the crowd. Even if the chances are incredibly small that Simon would even be interested, would even look my way, I just _need_ to know for sure. I've got to try.

Turning my head slightly, I let my gaze search the room, wandering the crowd and finding a pair of eyes looking straight at me, and it’s like everything fucking stops.

Simon isn’t just looking, it’s blatant and unashamed _staring,_  and it’s making something inside me burst open. Everything around me disappears. Sabrina, Agatha, the ceiling above them and the floor under him. It’s like I'm floating, and all I can see is Simon's face, painted in flashing light and tantalizing black shadows. His eyes are drilling into mine and I don't know if I'm breathing. 

Simon's really seeing me. Seeing my eyes on me from across the room, seeing the want in them. And I can’t help but imagine it’s Simon's breath I can feel on my lips. Simon's soft lips that presses against mine in silent invitation. Can’t stop myself from wondering how it would feel to have Simon pull me closer, his tongue grazing over my lips, feeling my own chest heaving as we part slowly. Feel Simon's chest rise and fall as he licks tentatively into my mouth, the burning sensation all over my body almost too much as I open up to it, lets our hands explore each others chests as we move to the pulse of the music and the beat of our hearts-

And then the music stops and the lights dim and it's Sabrina pulling away from me, not Simon. And then Sarah and Penny are shouting, but I can't really make out what they're saying. Sabrina drops her hands from my chest as everyone quietens down, and then suddenly she vanishes into the sea of drunk and kind of high teenagers. "Code red! I repeat, code red! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!" Sabrina starts screaming before Penny lightly pushes her out of the way. "Fucking move, people! The _janny's_ here, everyone fucking scatter!" Then the alarm starts going, and it's fucking mayhem.

Everyone starts pushing and shoving as they run through the corridors, the harsh and cold air slamming into me as we run through the school courtyard. I run faster when the janitor starts shouting after us as people start splitting off. When I reach the main schoolyard, I pause, searching for Dev or Niall or Sabrina, but everyone's running past me and I can't see anything. And then the janitor's torch is shinning in my face, and I freeze, panicking before something grips my wrist.

I blink when Simon pulls me behind the bin shed, putting a finger to his lips as we listen to the janitor's footsteps chase after everyone. "Fuck," I pant, running a hand down my face, frowning when the red face paint on my face smudges onto my fingers. 

"That was close," Simon grins, like he's having the time of his life. "Let's go, I'll walk you home," he says, gesturing with his hair for me to follow him. When I don't, he turns to look at me as he's walking. "Shall we?" he smirks. I shake my head, but I can't hide the smile on my face as I follow him.

 

Friday, April 14 - 22:49

"You and Sabrina are good together," Simon says as we walk down the empty streets of Cloisters.

"Yeah," I nod, scratching my arm. "She's...she's great." I can feel him watching me as I stare down at the cobble street. "I don't know. It's just like she's too clingy. She's just always there...all the time. It's kind of stressing me out. What about you? And Agatha?" I ask, looking up to see him watching the sky. "Have you been together a while?"

"Long enough," he shrugs, still not looking at me. Outside, with the streetlights shining down on him, I can really see Simon. He's wearing a light pink shirt and blue mom jeans. He kind of looks like he stepped off of the Friends set, and on anyone else they'd look like a twat, but somehow Simon's pulling it off. He's holding his mask (wolf mask) in one of his hands, letting it dangle from the string.

"You can tell," I nod, watching him watch the stars. "It's great. She seems really nice."

"Yeah, she's amazing," he says, finally meeting my eyes. "But...I think we're going to break up. I don't know," he shrugs. "We're just kind of running in circles. Have been for a while I guess. And I don't think I want that anymore."

"You don't want to be in a relationship?" I ask, looking away. 

He shakes his head. "No. I want to be with someone," he says. I try not to sigh when he doesn't expand on that.

"So you can already see yourself with another girl?" I can't believe I just asked that. What the fuck, Basilton?

"Well, yeah," he nods, smiling down at me with those bright eyes. I nod slowly as I sling my hands into my jacket pockets, trying to not let my obvious heartbreak show. "And," he adds, lightly bumping me with his shoulder. "Not necessarily a girl."

I look up at him, eyes wide when I see him smiling. But it's not one of his normal massive grins. Or one of his fucking smirks. He's smiling softly, like he knows something I don't. Or more like...I've just figured something out he's been dangling in front of me for a while. But right now I don't really want to think about that.

"Well, this is it," I say quickly when we reach Fiona's block of flats.

"So this is where we say goodnight," he says, looking up at the buildings before he looks up at me, tilting his head. A blonde curl falls into his face and my mouth goes dry as I watch him tuck it behind his ear. We're standing very close together. Have we been standing this close the whole time? I don't think I put deodorant on today. I don't think my hair looks nice right now. I blink up at him, listening to my breathing and his breathing as we somehow get closer. I don't know who's walking forward. Me or him. It might be both go us. I don't know. 

I shudder slightly when our foreheads touch, Simon grinning as he leans in closer. Oh fuck. We lean in closer, and it’s like the air around us is magnetic, pulling us towards each other, heavy and heated with every desire unveiled. Simon is looking at me too, like _really_ looking, and suddenly I'm not afraid anymore. Not afraid of what I might say or do wrong. Not scared of my own thoughts. I just let myself  _feel_  for what seems like the first time.

_I feel you, Simon._

"Baz!"

And right before our lips touch, I hear someone calling my name. I pull away, practically jumping out of Simon's touch and turn, sighing when I see Fiona leaning out of the kitchen window, waving down at us. I'm actually going to fucking kill her. "Sorry, that's uh...that's my Fiona...my aunt. I live with my aunt," I say to Simon, who's standing and smiling shyly at me. I keep on rambling but he cuts me off.

"I'll see you around, Baz," he smiles, his fingers grazing mine before he walks off. I watch as he leaves, his long legs and his golden arms and his freckles and his-

"Have you got a key, Baz? Cause I'm going to bed now, so you better let yourself in."

She laughs when I throw up the middle finger.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if this chapter was too long, leave a comment if you enjoyed it :)


	9. Theory of Evolution

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I don't go about thinking about gay people all the fucking time,"

Saturday, April 15 - 12:32

I jump up onto the kitchen island after I put the kettle on, tilting my head as I think of something to text Simon. I can't be too forward, because nothing even really happened last night. But I'm scared that if I don't say anything, then it'll be like nothing happened at all. And if Simon acts like nothing happened, I think I might go a bit crazy. Oh for fucks sake, this is pathetic. 

****Baz: 12:33 - Last night was cool, do you have any plans for today?** **

I click send before I can pussy out and then turn my phone off, leaving it on the windowsill before I jump down and make myself a coffee, stirring it as I stare at my phone. Then it beeps and I am ashamed to admit that I practically run over to it, snatching it off of the ledge. I look down at my phone as I jump from foot to foot. 

****Simon: 12:35 - yeah, yesterday was fun** **

He's sent a picture with the text. It's of him in his kitchen, holding a plate of like twenty scones I lean against the wall, grinning behind my fist as I bite my lip and spin around back to my tea. Sipping from my cup I keep smiling, unable to stop, and then another text comes through, and my smile instantly drops.

****Simon: 12:36 - but I have other plans for today, I'll see you on Monday** **

I sigh, letting my head lean against the wall as I turn my phone off and let it drop onto the counter as I down the rest of my coffee, placing the cup into the sink before I make for my room. But when I look up, Fiona's leaning in the doorway, watching me with a smile on her face. "Mornin'" she says, before she walks in, dropping into a seat at the table. "Put the kettle on, will you?" she asks, leaning her head in her hands. I roll my eyes and sigh, but I do it anyway. 

"Who was that guy?" Fiona asks as she grabs one of my crumpet from the middle of the table. 

"They're mine," I frown, before I grab a cup from the shelf above the sink. When I see her arch an eyebrow at me, I sigh and shrug, "What _guy_?"

"The boy from last night," Fiona says, spreading jam on her crumpet. I crinkle my nose, jam on crumpets is criminal.

"Oh," I say, trying to look as casual as possible, even though I'm panicking slightly inside. "He's just a mate," I try and shrug it off before I hand her her coffee, sliding into the chair opposite her. 

"Alright. And who is this friend?" she asks, frowning as she takes a sip of the coffee, before she adds more sugar. "Is he new?"

"Why are you asking me all of these questions?" I scowl, dropping my head in my hands. 

"You just seemed close is all," Fiona shrugs, watching me warily. 

"Well, not really, _no_ ," I shake my head before I stand up. "And I've got homework to do, so.." I trail off as I walk to the door, each step feeling heavier than the last. "I'll see you later."

"Okay," Fiona shrugs, smiling lightly. "I'm going round to Nico's, but I'll be home for dinner," she says, watching me as I walk out. She frowns when I just nod and a pang of guilt tugs at me, but then I remember Simon's text, and I slam the door behind me.

 

Monday, April 17 - 8:30

"I think we got busted."

"Good morning to you too, Sarah," I smile sarcastically as I try and pull my locker open. It won't budge. For fucks sake.

"It's just that I came in really early this morning to try and clean everything up," she continues, oblivious to my pissed off state. I ignore her as I rattle my locker key, desperately tying to pull it open. "And I managed to, but then that good looking pe teacher came in and asked what I was doing."

"So what did you say?" I ask, as I hit my locker with my fist.

"That I was lost," she says sheepishly. She cringes when I frown at her. "It's all I could think of. But he didn't suspect me. Just thought I was a bit of an idiot." I refrain from saying he's right. When I look back at Sarah she's scowling. "What?" I ask, but then I turn behind me to see Will. 

"Bonjour, Sarah," Will grins. I roll my eyes as I turn back to my locker, listening to them bicker. I snarl when my blazer gets caught in it, and then have to focus on that instead of opening the damned thing. 

"Leave me alone, Will, for fuck's sake." I sigh when I pull my sleeve free, the fabric ripping slightly.

"What? What is so wrong with me? C'mon Sarah we would be great together."

"I'm going to English. See you later, Baz." I just nod, keeping my eyes on my locker.

"The more you reject me, the more I want you," Baz tells her before he pats me on the back. "See you in maths, mate," he says as he runs after Sarah down the corridor. I sigh with relief once they're gone. I really can't be fucked with anyone today. I growl as I slam my fist against my locker. It doesn't open. Frowning, I walk away, a dark cloud looming over me. I guess I'm just going to have to use Penny's notes in Biology again.

 

Monday, April 17 - 10:03

_"Not necessarily a girl."_

****Dad: 7:23 - Hello, Basilton. I was wondering if you wanted to come to church with me, Daphne and your sisters on Sunday?** **

So stem cells can be found in embryonic cells and adult stem cells, which is the same as tissue cells I'm pretty sure. So the answer's B. Right?"

_Bright blue eyes. Freckles and moles. Foreheads touching. Heart racing. Crappy Vans. Blushed noses. Face paint. Blue mom jeans. Scones._

"Baz? I blink as I look up at Penelope. We're sitting in the common room, and since both of us have a free period now, we decided to start on our homework. "Can you focus please?" I nod and she narrows her eyes at me before she goes back to typing on her laptop, shaking her head lightly. I click off of my dad's text, dropping my phone into my blazer pocket.

"Bunce," I say, biting my lip when she turns to face me. "I have a question." She sighs me as she continues to type. "It might annoy you."

"Oh, so you've started to ask for my permission before you chat shit now?" she asks, smiling slightly. I don't smile back. I looks down at my folded hands on our desk as she looks back at her screen after she tugs her red sweater off and fixes her tie. "And I'm not meaning to be offensive."

"Does this mean you're going to now be offensive? Because pre-apologising doesn't make it okay."

_The manufactured orange lights casting shadows on his face. Blonde curls. "Maybe it's because you're afraid you'll show your hidden homosexuality?"_

"Why are you religious?" She slowly looks up at me. "I mean, it's 2019, and the world is changing. You study science. Surely you must think it's not real." She sighs before she folds her arms, smiling at me like I'm a child.

"Is something about my religion bothering you, Baz?" she asks, cocking her head.

"Nothing specifically. It's just...you think there's always right or a wrong and there's a god that decides that, and decides other things. Like homosexuality, for example. Your god thinks that it's wrong." My throat bobs when she watches me carefully. "Or like, you can't eat hot dogs and whatever." I look up when she doesn't answer.

"What do you believe in, Baz?" she asks, tapping her nails on the desk. I guess I was brought up catholic, at least by my mum. And I guess she kind of forced dad to come to mass and everything with us. Or maybe he just did it because he loved her. I never really believed in it though, and then when mum died, dad stopped going to church. But I guess him and his new family do that together now. I guess they do everything together now.

"Science," I say, leaning back in my chair. "Evolution. Nothing else."

"Okay," she nods. "Let's look at the theory of evolution then." I stay quiet as Penelope continues. "How do you explain homosexuality within natural selection?" I cock my head, not really sure where she's going with this. "Evolution wise, homosexuality is a dead end. Homosexuals don't move the world forward. So according to the theory of evolution, they should've gone extinct a long time ago. Unless homosexuality isn't caused by genetics but is rather a mental illness or a choice one makes." I gulp and try to keep my face indifferent, even though I'm slightly cracking on the inside. "What do you think about that, Baz?"

"I don't fucking know," I sharply protest, shrugging. "I don't go about thinking about gay people all the fucking time," I shrug, running my teeth over my tongue.

"No," Penelope says curtly. "So since you also don't have the answers to everything, how about we just agree, that there's a lot between heaven and Earth that we don't know about. Instead of sitting here and criticising  _my_ religion, can't you just respect that we have different beliefs?"

"Okay, whatever," I say, shrugging as I look away, pressing my phone. I've not seen Simon around today, maybe he's texted. No. Of course he hasn't. Why would he?

When I look up, Penny opens her mouth to say something, when Sabrina appears. "Hey Elio," she smiles at me. I try and not to sigh. She's fucking stalking me, I swear.

"Hi," I nod but before I can ask her to fuck off, she pushes her lips against mine quickly. I blink at her when she pulls back.

"Do you want to do something?" she asks, smiling brightly. "On Wednesday maybe? After school?"

"I'm sorry, I can't on Wednesday. I've got plans," I say, turning back to Penelope and scowling when I see her trying to hide her laughter under her hands.

"Okay, how about Friday? We could go to the cinema? Or go for a walk," she says, playing with my hair. I keep my eyes facing forward. "Just the two of us. Our first real date!" 

"No. Sorry, but Friday I'm having dinner with my dad, and I really can't miss it." 

"Okay," she says, and when I see the look on her face, a sudden twinge of empathy pulls at me. This girl actually likes me. She actually, genuinely likes me.

"Look, Sabrina, I just don't want him to think I'm letting him down." 

She nods as she tugs at a strand of frizzy hair. "But are we together or not, Baz? Because, actually, the concept of dating is that you hang out with someone. _No_?" When I don't say anything she sighs dramatically, waving her arms. "Okay. Well, call me when you're interested." I watch her as she walks away, scowling when Penelope bursts out into laughter. 

"It's not funny."

"Okay." Then she says after a pause, "Elio."

"Fuck you, Bunce."

 

Wednesday, April 19 - 4:28

"So, we're gonna take him out to Pizza Express," Dev tells me as we walk home. "And then to some club in London."

"I highly doubt we'll get let in," I say but I nod anyway. "What have you got him?"

"Nothing yet. Maybe we can put all our money together or something?" he says, kicking at the stones on the pavement. "I still can't believe he's older than the rest of us."

"I still can't believe he hasn't started bitching about his birthday yet." Dev laughs, but we can both tell it's forced. We can both tell it's awkward, even if neither of us really know why. Me and Dev are never awkward. I don't know what to do to fix it. I frown when he looks up at me after a moment of silence, his face falling as we pause on the small iron bridge that leads to the main square of Cloisters. He leans over, and we both watch the running river.

"Look, Baz..." he starts, not looking at me, just staring at the water below us.I lean against the railing and look cross the bridge to the square, my heart thudding slightly when I see Sabrina. She's standing outside of Rose Bakery, and she's leaning against the window, her skirt and hair dancing in the slight wind. Her school bag's next to her and she's holding her phone in one hand, the other in her blazer pocket. "I'll see you tomorrow, Dev," I say quickly, leaving him standing on the bridge before I run towards Sabrina. But then I realise that's probably a bit stalkerish, so I switch to a brisk walk. I ignore Dev shouting after me.

"Sabrina!" I grin when I reach her. She looks up at me from her phone as I walk over, smiling, albeit a bit tentatively. "How are you doing?" I ask, tilting my head.

"Fine," she shrugs, looking down at her nails. "I'm meant to be meeting Ava here, so..." I nod and make up my mind before I can pussy out of this. Sabrina is fit. Sabrina likes me. Simon doesn't. So, I'll just see what happens with Sabrina. I can do this. This is fine.

"Friday night is okay," I say as she wraps her arms around my neck. "Friday night is great, actually." "Really?" she asks as she smiles at me like I'm someone worth smiling at. I nod and when she reaches up to kiss me, a flash of bronze catches my eye. I look into the bakery window, and my breathing hitches when I see Simon inside. He doesn't look like he's buying anything, he's just talking to the lady behind the counter. Oh fuck. He nods to the lady before he turns around, and we make direct eye contact. We watch each other carefully as Sabrina paints my cheek in kisses. And now he's walking towards the door, still holding my soul in his hands as he pulls open the door, the little bell twinkling. "Hello," he says as he steps towards me, his eyes dark as he stares me down.

"Hey!" Sabrina says cheerfully. Then there's a moment of awkwardness, of me and Simon watching each other, and Sabrina squeezing my hand. "Look, can I talk to you for a second?" Simon asks me, his voice grave as he gestures around the corner with his head. I glare at him as I wrap and arm around Sabrina. I might as well been telling him to fuck off. Good. I can't have him talking to me, and me falling for him while he has a girlfriend. He needs to fuck off. "Go ahead," I shrug.

"I'm sorry," he says, pushing his tongue into his cheek. "My phone it...wasn't working and stuff was happening." I'm aware of Sabrina looking from me to him, not understanding what Simon's talking about. But I understand. "Sorry," he says again, scratching the back of his neck. "And to make amends, I was wondering if you wanted to come over to mine on Friday. Joints, beer, shitty Arctic Monkeys." I smile but before I can nod, Sabrina's speaking.

"Oh, but we have a date on Friday." Simon's eyes slide to Sabrina as he watches her, his clenched jaw twitching. I drop my arm from around her shoulders, letting it dangle at my sides. "But maybe we could plan a double date?' she suggests, grinning brightly. "Like in the movies. I met your girlfriend at the party last weekend, she's really nice. Agatha, right?"

"Yeah," Simon nods, his blue eyes on mine. I look down at the ground. "Okay," he says but I can hear the annoyance in his voice. But I don't think Sabrina realises as she claps her hands together.

"Okay, so at your place?" she grins before she puts her arms around me. 

"Cool," Simon nods, before his eyes slide to meet mine. "See you." And it's the most casual thing, but the way he's watching me makes me feel like we're standing on a cliffside, completely exposed, and he's just asked me to jump off with him. I nod, silently screaming before he walks away after shooting me a smile.

"This is going to be so fun!" Sabrina laughs once Simon's gone. I'm still watching him as he walks down the streets, balancing on the kerb. I didn't notice before, but Simon kind of skips instead of walks. 'I'll see you tomorrow, I've got to go meet Ava at the station," she grins, plastering a kiss to my cheek before she leaves, picking up her bag and shouldering before she walks off, blowing me kisses as she turns the corner. I watch her go, hands in my pockets, before I look over to the bridge. Dev's still standing there. He's looking at me, hands braced on the railing. I hold up my hand to wave to him, but he's already walking away. My heart falls.

" _So fun_ ," I sigh as I kick the kerb, slightly wishing that I'd never met Simon or Sabrina and slightly wishing that Friday could've been just me and him. Slightly wishing that they would both just fuck off. 


	10. You Think I Need You?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "The first."

Friday 21 April - 19:45

"The show is amazing." I lean back into Simon's couch, trying to tone out Sabrina and Agatha. Simon left to go to the kitchen ten minutes ago, and he still hasn't reappeared. I don't even think the girls have noticed. I should’ve gone with him.

Folding my arms, I take another sip of beer, the music from the record player screaming in my ears. It's not the Arctic Monkeys. Sabrina and Agatha vetoed that, so now some shitty rock songs are playing in the background.

"I know, I love it," Agatha smiles prettily at Sabrina as the two of them bond over a Spanish Netflix show. Sabrina sitting next to me, maybe a bit too close, and Agatha’s on the couch across from us, Simon’s place empty. Sabrina and Agatha are getting on well. Too well. If they become friends, I’m fucked. 

"I bingewatched it in one weekend," Sabrina says as she fiddles with her sleeves. She’s wearing a blue shirt and jeans and if I wasn’t so bitter right now maybe I would tell her she looks pretty tonight. Agatha also looks pretty, but Agatha always looks like she’s just walked off of a L’Oréal advert so it doesn’t really count.

I sit up when Simon walks back in with more alcohol in his arms. And two scones in his right hand. He smiles at me as he chews. I try to smile back softly even though I want to grin. No, I actually want to kiss him. 

"How is that possible?" Agatha asks. Simon sits down next to her, and I watch as he frowns slightly when she leans into him. I look down and smile, because I'm a horrible selfish person who wouldn't care if Agatha and Sabrina dropped dead right now. They could lie dead on the couches and me and Simon could run away, and I could finally kiss him. "What do you mean?" 

"I don't know, it's just unusual, isn't it?" When I look back up, Simon meets my eyes and tilts his heads. Running my tongue against my teeth, I fight the smile on my face. I arch an eyebrow when he holds out one of the scones in his hand, gesturing for me to take it. Reaching forward, he passes it to me, my heart picking up when our fingers graze each other. For fuck's sake, why am I like this? Why do I relish every single touch that occurs with this boy? I look away, hoping he can't read my face, as I look at the scone in my hand. It's cherry. 

I break parts off, Sabrina and Agatha's voices ringing in my ear as I eat. "Well, I don't know, you stay at home all weekend and just plan to do it. You don't bingewatch shows?" Agatha shakes her head. 

"I guess I don't really have time." I catch Simon roll his eyes as he leans back into the pillows, tipping his head back as he shoves the rest of the scone in his mouth. 

"But is it that you don't have the time or you don't take the time?" Sabrina asks, leaning forward. "Those are two very different things. It's very important to take time out for yourself." She sounds like a Guidance Consoler. I've slowly come to realise that Sabrina is the type of person who likes to light candles and take baths and use facemarks and post selfies with said masks with the caption, 'Me Time.'

"You've got to, Agatha," Sabrina say, waving her hands around. As the two girls talk, I let myself look at Simon as he takes another long drink of beer.

"Yeah, you're right," Agatha nods and I notice her glance at Simon as he spins the beer in his hands. "You're very mature for your age, Brina." Oh for fucks sake, they have _nicknames_ for each other already. 

"Yep, because I'm dating an older man," Sabrina grins before she wraps her arms around me tightly. I try to not grimace as she runs her hands through my hair. "Aren't you two the same age though?" she asks.

"Yeah, but Simon didn't graduate last year."

"Shit, really? Why?"

I swear to God. My throat bobs as I watch Simon's eyes cloud over, as he stares at the wall behind me and Sabrina. He downs and finishes the beer, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand as he places the glass onto the coffee table. "Because I didn't take any of the exams," he says cooly, narrowing his eyes at Sabrina lightly. I hold my breath when no one speaks, and Sabrina just nods, resting her head on my shoulder. "Can we talk about something else?" he says, turning to Agatha before he uncaps another beer. I frown at the redness of his cheeks, at the way he’s avoiding eye contact with me. He’s embarrassed. I want to reach out and tell him I don’t care. That no one cares and if they do they’re dicks. I don’t care.

"Maybe you've had enough, Simon," Agatha says cooly, flipping her long blonde plait over her shoulder.

"Maybe you've _talked_ enough, Agatha," he says, scowling before he takes a sip. It's basically a massive fuck you to his girlfriend.

"It's for your own good, Simon," she says. Even though she's obviously a bit annoyed, her voice is still calm and airy, and her face is still smiling.

"You always say that. _‘For my own good’,_ ” he shakes his head. "You think I need you?" he asks, laughing icily. Agatha doesn't say anything, but her face crumples slightly, her smile wavering. "I might have failed to graduate but I can still count. And if my calculations are correct, this is only my second," he says before he takes another drink. Agatha watches him, tears sliding down her face, but when Simon doesn't turn back to her or say anything else, she stands up and walks into the kitchen, wiping her eyes. Simon only looks up when she's gone, but his face is a fast of relief. 

The three of us sit there for a moment, before Sabrina stands up, clapping her hands before she looks down at me. I just shrug when she widens her eyes at me. Then she scowls and turns on her heels to follow Agatha. What the fuck did I do?

"Sorry," Simon breathes when they're both gone, running a hand down his face as he slouches back. "You shouldn't have had to see that." It's basically the first thing he's said to me since I got here. I just watch him, his tired blue eyes meeting mine. "I just thought tonight would've been different," he murmurs, running his fingers over the glass bottle as he jolts his knees. 

"What did you expect?" I ask curtly, looking away from him as I scratch my knees. 

"I don't know. What I asked for, I guess," he says and I can hear the grin in his voice. "Just the two of us." There's a pause, but I can't bear to look up at him. I don't want to see his eyes. I don't want him to see mine. Cause if he sees what I really think I'm fucked.

"Didn't you want it to just be us too?" he asks. I look up slowly and nod, biting the inside of my cheek.

"Yes,' I admit to myself and to him. I did want it to just be us. I think I always want it to just be us. If I could continue the rest of my life with only me and Simon, I think I would. He’s the only person I can think about. He takes up more space in my mind than anything else. I can’t see past him anymore.

"Then let's get out of here," he whispers, leaning closer to me. 

"What? Now?" I ask, peering into the kitchen. I can vaguely see Agatha sitting on the kitchen counter and Sabrina rubbing her back.

"Yeah," Simon shrugs, taking another swig of beer before he places it down on the table. "While they're gone, let's get out." 

"Where are we going?" I ask suspiciously.

"You'll see," he grins, his eyebrows flicking up before he jumps up from the couch, grabbing my hand. I grin as I let him pull me up and we tip toe over to the door, past the kitchen. I hold my breath as I watch as he shuts the door behind us, flinching when it clicks shut. "So," Simon grins when we both lean on the shut front door. "Shall we?"

 

Friday 21 April - 20:20

Simon and I holler and whoop as we run through the streets of Cloisters, slowly getting further and further away from Simon's flat. Further and further away from Agatha and _Brina_. Further and further away from the Baz and Simon that were sitting on the couches, not talking and not looking at each other. Further and further away from life itself. From everything and everyone and nothing.

I follow him through the main roads, watching his curls fall in his face as he jumps, his Vans scraping the ground as he runs like he's floating. We run past our school, and I glance at the balcony me and Simon first talked on. We run past Dev's house, and I smile when I see his bedroom light on. We run over the iron bridge, our steps clanging sharply on the metal. We run through the narrow country roads, jumping onto the brick walls and leaping over streams. And then we come to a high fence. It's one of those fences with no gaps so I can't see what's on the other side. I can just see the tops of fir trees sticking out.

I arch an eyebrow when Simon turns on his heels and claps his hands.

"Where the fuck are we?" I grin, taking a step towards him. He just shrugs before he turns towards the fence. Cocking his head, he watches it for a moment, before he takes a couple of steps back. "Wait, what are you doing?" I ask before he starts running towards the fence. Then he launches himself at it and somehow manages to clamber over it. I snort. "Very elegant,” I roll my eyes.

"Fuck off," he laughs, rolling his eyes before he gestures with his head for me to follow.

"Oh, no. I'm good." I shake my head as I fold my arms. “I am not climbing over a fence which is almost double my height.”

"Pussy," Simon says before he sticks his tongue out. Then he vanishes behind the fence. And I'm left all alone on this side. 

"Simon. Seriously. Come back," I say as I slowly walk over to the fence, placing my hand on it. "It's dark," I breathe. He doesn't reply.

It is _really_ dark.

It's always dark on my side. It's been dark for a while. There's occasional bursts of light, but then it gets even darker. Because the longer I'm on this side of the fence, everything gets darker and deeper and more fucked. "Simon," I whisper, knocking on the fence.

"Baz." I hear him say softly before he knocks back. I bite my lip as I look up at the fence. I could climb it. I could just reach up and pull myself over. And see what Simon's doing. Be with Simon. Or I could turn back. I could walk back to Simon's flat and hope Sabrina is still there. I could beg for forgiveness. She'd forgive me. Easily.

Or I could climb. 

I sigh when Simon knocks on the fence again. "Baz." I could climb. I could try. I blink when there's a sudden dim shine of orange light from the other side of the fence. Simon must've turned his phone's torch on or something. Simon's been the brightest light on my side so far. And maybe if I don't climb then it'll fade. Forever.

*

"Where are we?" I ask when I drop down onto Simon's side. I frown when I see him holding a lighter, dim light shinning from the dancing gold flame.

"A forest," he grins, shining the flames in my eye. 

"Ugh, you dick," I hiss, pushing it out of my face. Simon giggles before I take my phone out to use the torch (because a torch is much better than a _lighter_ ), but it won't turn on. "I'm out of charge."

"I'll guide you," he says and I'm about to laugh when he holds his arm out for me to take.

"You'll guide me?"

"Yeah, c'mon," he says as he wraps his arm around mine and starts tugging me along. We walk through the woods in silence for about a minute, the fire casting shadows on the trees.

"Do you come here often?" I ask, trying to ignore the feeling of his arm around mine. He turns to face me, the orange shadows on his face making him appear ethereal. 

"Yeah," he nods. "It's my favourite place to forget things. I come here to be alone," he says as he looks around at the looming trees. 

"You often take people to the place where you want to be alone?" I ask, and I'm kind of joking, but I'm also kind of not. Mostly not.

"No," he says, biting his lip as he looks up at me. "But this is different." I look away. "I don't normally take people here," he continues. "You're actually the first."

"Not even Agatha?" I ask, not even caring that I sound like a creepy stalker.

"The first," he says again. We pause in our tracks as he smiles up at me. I swear to God, Simon's smile. His smile grows as his eyes dance. Simon's smile spreads into every part of him. I hear it in his voice, in the choice of his words and the way his lips slightly part. It's beautiful.

He suddenly drops my arm as he cocks his head up at me. "What?" I ask. Then he drops the lighter's cap, and the world is enveloped into darkness. The only sources of light are from the stars high above and the faint street light far away in the distance.

I hold my breath when the fire reappears a couple of meters away from me and I see Simon standing in a clearing. "This is my home," he says as I walk over to him. "Do you like it?" he asks, his eyes dropping to mine. I nod, looking around. It's a small meadow, the perimeter guarded by stall trees, little blooming flowers littering the grass. "Honestly?" he asks, arching an eyebrow. "Or are you afraid?"

"Me? Afraid?" I scoff, folding my arms. I shake my head. "Not afraid."

"Not afraid?" Simon asks, his voice painted in amusement. 

"Not afraid," I say as he circles me, tilting his head. 

"Not even a little bit?" he asks, clutching the lighter. I shake my head, grinning. But then he shrugs and with a little laugh, caps the lighter again. And again, darkness drowns me. It paints the trees in shadows, the flowers disappear and I'm standing in back nothingness. And Simon's gone. I can't see Simon.

"Simon?" I ask as I clench my fists. "Where are you?" I ask, taking a step forward, my arms out. He laughs as he lights it again and I spin, finding him right beside me. "You little shit," I frown. He surpasses a laugh, running a tongue over his teeth. "It's not funny in the slightest,” I say, praying to God I don’t sound like an angry toddler.

"Yeah," he nods. "Still not afraid?" He’s grinning. He’s finding this funny. The little shit.

"Still not afraid," I shake my head, making to walk towards him. "Not afraid."

"Okay," he nods, still smirking. I grin back. "I won't do it again though, just cause of the way you called out for me. You sounded so scared.”

"How nice," I roll my eyes, trying to fight the smile that threatens to bloom on my face. But then Simon does it again, and he's gone. Again. And I can't see anything. Again. And I can't even hear anything, because I'm in the middle of fucking nowhere.

"Fuck! Simon, seriously!" I growl, throwing my arms out, trying to find him. I grin when I hit something, and Simon lets out a soft ow before he turns it back on. "You are such a fucking wanker," I frown when he rubs his shoulder. 

"You hit me!" he objects, before he takes a step towards me. "How cruel." I don't reply, excuse he's very close to me, and now I can only hear two things. Our heartbeats. “Cruel, beautiful, scared Baz,” he breathes. He leans up, and I lean down and my lips part and he's moving closer and then...darkness. 

I sigh, my arms falling to my sides.

I stand still for what seems like an hour, only looking up when the familiar orange light turns up again. Simon's sitting against a tree, his knees close to his chest as he gazes at the flame in his hand. I walk towards him slowly, pausing half a meter from him. "Are you afraid of fire too?" he asks when I drop down beside him. I just shake my head. I don't think I can speak anymore. I think my brain is slowly shutting down with the want and the need and the hunger that's built up inside of my brain and my heart and my body over these past weeks.

_Please kiss me, Simon. Please. Just fucking kiss me._

And, it's like somehow, Simon hears me. Because not long after, Simon's moving forward, inching closer and closer to me. I feel my mind go numb as Simon continues to move near me, and it's almost like I've lost all touch of reality. Simon's lips are so close, so fucking close to mine.

It feels like agonising years before Simon's lips finally brush against mine, the kiss apprehensive and delicate - like he's trying not to scare me. Fuck that.

He moves back an inch, his eyes on mine. Mine are glued onto his lips. I can't believe the boy I've had a crush on for what seems like my whole fucking life is finally right in front of me, the ghost of my lips dancing across Simon's. I'm so completely, utterly, and incandescently happy that I think my heart might burst.

I can't take the separation any longer. I reach my arms out towards Simon, circling them around his waist and pull him closer, our lips connecting once again. I think I might know what love is now.

Love is this deep feeling rooted in the bottom of your stomach, the feeling that you just, simply, _belong_. Everything up to this point in my life suddenly all makes sense. That breakup I had in primary school that tore my life apart for a good month or two happened for a reason. My first kiss never happened with a guy for a reason. I was meant to refuse to conform to sexuality’s labels for a fucking reason. I live for a reason, I breathe for a reason, I wake up every day for a reason. And the reason is right in front of me, melting into my arms as we hungrily kiss each other with the passion of a thousand fucking suns, our hearts beating as loud as a fucking million drums.

Simon.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guys, sorry its been so long, but my first real proper exam is in ten days so I've been studying a lot :( I actually really like this chapter, and I hope you do too :) leave a comment if you enjoyed it x


	11. King of the Vampires

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Forever and ever and ever."

Friday, April 22 - 21:21

I feel Simon shiver into the kiss as I run my fingers through his bronze curls. “Shit, it's freezing!” Simon giggles into the kiss, his body shivering slightly and his lips starting to turn a light blue-ish purple. I'm pretty sure my own teeth are chattering against his, but I don't pull back from him, I keep my arms around him, my hands on his neck. I just haveto make sure this whole thing isn't just a product of my own imagination.

I'm actually  _kissing_  Simon. Like, for real lip-on-lip _kissing_ him, and if my fingers weren't so frozen I'd probably pinch myself. Because I am kissing Simon. Not my pillow. I am actually kissing him in real life, not just in my mind as I ignore Mrs Possibelf's droning and Bunce's poking. Simon Snow is right in from of me and his hands are in my hair and he's nudging my face up as he kisses me. I borderline refuse to believe this is true. Simon's properly just drunk. He probably thinks I'm Agatha. Or maybe he just wants to kiss a boy to see what it's like. Maybe this is some sort of elaborate plan and Ant and Dec are going to show up with cameras. Or maybe this is a bet. Maybe he's getting paid to do this.

Or maybe, maybe there's a small, tiny chance that he might maybe like me back.

“Can we get inside already? it's fucking freezing, Baz,” Simon laughs as he pulls back, my reflection grinning in his blue eyes. I guess there isn't really a good reason why we're still standing here in the dark, cold courtyard at the back of Fiona's flat. We've just been standing here since I tugged Simon inside, not even having enough time to shut the gate before Simon pulled me close under the first floor's balcony as we kissed deeply and with such force that I had no choice but to walk backwards towards the wall with the weight of Simon's body against his. So consumed with the feel of Simon Snow's lips, his hands, his hips that I couldn’t even feel the cold anyway.

“Okay, okay," I murmur quickly before I grab his cold hand, pulling him inside the building. I shove the keys into the door and shudder when Simon's lips find my neck. I somehow manage to unlock the door, spin around and almost bash my head against Simon's. As he laughs, I tug him up the stairs, hesitating on every other step to kiss him again because fuck _those lips._

I only pull away when we reach my front door. Simon blinks at the chipping red paint, and the silver 2121 above the letterbox. "It's your flat," he murmurs. 

"Yep," I nod, all my previous courage slowly burning away. "My flat," I say as I unlock the door and push it open softly. I stick my head and crane my neck. Fiona's not in the kitchen or the living room. I peek around the corner. Her shoes aren't here. Thank fuck. "So, this is uh, my flat, I guess. I mean, technically, it's my Aunt's but I mean, I live here and I have a key and a room and I mean I-" Simon shuts me up by pushing his lips hungrily against one, opening my mouth with his own. I run my hands down his neck as I lead him to my room, slamming the door behind us. Then I'm pushing Simon down onto the bed.

Saturday, April 23 - 03:21

It’s pitch black. I can't see anything, but I can hear his steady, slow breathing. I can feel the dip of the mattress and the warmth of his body. But I'm pretty sure if I shut my eyes, he'll disappear. Simon'll disappear.

I reach down to the side of the bed and run my fingers along the floorboards, searching for my phone. When I feel it, I bring it up to my face, the dull light from the screen blinding me slightly. Shit. I completely forgot about Sabrina and Agatha. I run my fingers over my slightly numb lips.

****Sabrina: 21:01 - missed call** **

****Sabrina: 20:01 -Hey, where are you?** **

****Sabrina: 20:19 - What the actual fuck Baz** **

********Sabrina: 20:34 -** ****Just left Simon's, where the hell are you?**

****Sabrina: 21:37 - missed calls (7)** **

****Sabrina: 20:42 - Don't ever fucking call me again, you are a fucking prick****  

I blink at the texts before I shut my phone off and chuck it onto my desk chair. I stare up at my ceiling, curling my fists before Simon murmurs in his sleep. I turn to watch him as he rolls over away from me. I sigh as I curl up to the warm, safe body next to me, my arm coming around Simon's back to lock under his arm. I bury my face in his soft golden hair, thinking that maybe... maybe I can trust the universe to not steal him away, and maybe I could fall asleep like this.

_Can’t we just stay in here forever?_

Saturday, April 23 -12:34

"Do you believe in magic?" 

We're lying on the couch in the living room, the morning light streaming in from the yellow curtains. Simon's sitting up, listening to a shitty Taylor Swift playlist, and I'm lying down, head in his lap as he plays with my hair. I only let Simon leave my room once I'd called Fiona to check if she was coming home today. She's not. Thank fuck. I would've had to sneak Simon out through my window.

"Mh?" I murmur, opening my eyes to find him watching me as he blows on his coffee. He has way too much sugar in his coffee. Five teaspoons. And half of it is milk anyway. He says he prefers hot chocolate.

"Magic," he repeats, running a hand across my face. He's wearing my clothes since our clothes from yesterday got all muddy. Although since I'm taller than him, the t-shirt he's wearing is a bit baggy and the Adidas bottoms he's got on keep tripping him up. "Why are your legs so fucking long?" he laughed when I handed him them. He also had a shower, so his hair's still damp. I reach up and rake my fingers through it. "I don't know," I shrug. "I don't think so." 

"I do," he says, leaning back into the couch. "I just don't think we've realised it yet."

"What do you mean?" I ask as I arch an eyebrow. Simon shrugs before he tightens his hold around me, pressing a kiss to my forehead. I can't fucking believe this. I can't believe Simon Snow is here, with me. I can't believe I made him a coffee. I can't believe he had a shower in my flat. I can't believe he thinks magic is real. "I think everyone has magic. Just, like... a very, very small amount of it. Like, I can hear a song and almost perfectly replicate it right after. My dad never burns popcorn when he makes it. My mum's roses don't wilt for months."

"I've never cracked my phone," I offer as I watch Simon's eyes light up. "And Dev can always find a parking spot."

"Exactly," Simon grins. " _Magic_." And the way he says it, like he's Merlin incarnate, like he's made of magic himself, makes me want to believe it so badly.

" _Magic_ ," I repeat. "Maybe there's another universe out there, where _we_ have magic. Real magic. With wands and shit," I add as I sit up, wrapping my arms around his neck.

"And we defeat dragons and kill vampires and save the world together," Simon giggles as he runs his fingers up and down my cheek. "And wear cloaks."

"Vampires are cool, we wouldn't kill them," I say as Simon leans his forehead against mine. I try and suppress his grin when he nudges my nose with his.

"But what if they were after us?" he asks, arching an eyebrow, his tone serious.

"Okay, maybe we'd have to kill them then," I nod, my fingers tapping the back of his neck. "But how would we do it?"

"The lighter," Simon grins, wetting his lips. "Set them all alight."

"You're a fucking pyro," I snort before Simon pushes his lips against mine, his fingers tugging at my shirt.

"You love it," he whispers. I grin into the kiss as I push him onto his back, pulling his ( _my_ ) shirt from over his head as he wraps his arms around me. And I swear to God, I feel like I really do have magic as I kiss Simon Snow, Shake It Off humming in the background as his fingers travel up and down my chest.

Saturday, April 23 -13:56

"What did you think?" I ask Simon as I pull open the fridge. "When you first saw me at that meeting?" He's sitting on the kitchen counter, playing with Fiona's Nutri Bullet. He's been begging me to make smoothies for an hour now, and I only caved in when he started pressing kisses up and down my neck. He looks up at me as I take the blender from his hands and plug it in.

"I thought..." he cocks his head, watching me as I cut up the strawberries. "It's him for sure. He's _definitely_ scared of the dark." He's playing with the cross pendant he always wears as he speaks, the only thing against his bare chest. I look sheepishly across to the couch, where his t-shirt is lying abandoned on the floor, the pillows and couch a fucking mess.

"Fuck you," I roll my eyes as he laughs. "I am not scared of the dark." He just shrug before he passes me the bananas from beside him. "How would you have reacted to a strange boy in the middle of a forest, playing with a lighter?" He laughs but he doesn't say anything. I go to peel the bananas when I feel his fingers on my wrist. I let him lead me back to him. "It wasn't at that meeting," he breathes as I plant my hands on either side of him. "When I first saw you. It was my first day of school. And you were walking with your friends in the corridor. You didn't see me. But i saw you. I only saw you." I hold my breath as he leans his forehead against mine. 

"What would you have done if I hadn't show up to the meeting? Or if I hadn't gotten the bus with you that day? Maybe we wouldn't have ever met."

"Now _that's_ a scary thought," he murmurs as he hands his head and leans against my chest, wrapping his arms around me.

"But we _did_ meet," I add, tapping my fingers against the freckles that litter his bare neck and shoulders.

"When I have to make a decision," he says as he keeps his head buried in my chest. "I tell myself there's two paths. And I always have to choose one. But I never stop thinking about the other path. And what I'm missing out on from not taking it. Drives me crazy."

"And now?" I ask, pulling away slightly as darkness clouds my mind. He regrets this. Of course he does. "You think this is the wrong path?"

" _What_? No. Never," he says quickly, looking up at me with wide eyes as he plants a hand on my cheek. "Of course not," he shakes his head. "I think this is the exception. This is the one time there was only ever one path," he breathes before he plants a kiss on the tip of my nose.

"Whenever I have to make a decision," I say as I take a step back, Simon's arms falling as I go back to peeling the bananas. "I tell myself that there are other Bazs, in parallel universes, who took the other path," I say as I feel Simon's gaze on me. "So between all of the Bazs of all the universes, we've tried everything."

"What are the other Bazs doing right now?" Simon asks as I move closer to him to dump the bananas in the blender. 

"Right now?" I ask, eyebrows arched as I take a step closer to him, smoothing out his curls. He nods dreamily, tilting his head as he watches me with those big blue eyes. "Well, there's a Baz who's sitting on a throne, King of the Vampires."

"Okay," Simon giggles, wrapping an arm around my waist.

"And there's another Baz in the empire state building, singing a multi million pound deal with Obama."

"How do we know that that Baz isn't at the very top of the building, ready to drop into the void. A huge burn out."

"That's awful!" I object, pulling away from him as I frown. "You never think about your parallel selfs?"

"I don't think I believe in that," he admits. "We get one chance, and if we fuck up, it's all over. Gone in a blink." 

"You're wrong," I shrug as I smile, hands on his neck. "You're wrong, because there are many other Bazs, and many other Simons, in other parallel universes, who are together right now." Simon grins before he twirls a strand of my hair around his finger. 

"I like that," he nods before pushing his lips hungrily against mine, wrapping his legs around my waist as I drop my arms over his shoulders. But then Simon's phone starts ringing and he pulls away, snorting when I groan, my hands lingering on his chest. "Is it Agatha?" I ask softly when I see his face fall as he looks down at his screen. 

"I am so fucked," he sighs before he leans against my shoulder, groaning through his teeth. "Can I just stay here? With you? Forever?" he whispers, pressing a kiss to my forehead. 

"Forever," I nod, letting him fall into me. "Forever and ever and ever."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you enjoyed some soft snowbaz :) (will it last tho?)
> 
> i have no idea what the plural of baz is meant to be so if u know feel free to let me know below
> 
> comments and kudos really motivate me to write when i'm not feeling up to it cause i know there's people enjoying this and waiting for it x


	12. Do You Not Wanna be With Me?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Where have you been?"

Sunday, April 24 - 09:26

I reach my arm out, opening my eyes when my hand hits the mattress. I blink as I sit up. Simon's shoes are gone from beside my door. His clothes are gone from the radiator, and my clothes I lent him are folded up on my dresser. I sigh and drop back down onto my bed, running a hand down my face. Hissing, I sit back up when something pokes into my back. I search for it, and frown when I find a piece of folded up paper.

It's one of Simon's drawings.

It's his wolf, with a little drawing of a bat sleeping onto of it. I bite my bottom lip as I trace his handwriting at the bottom of the paper. _You're cute when you're asleep._

I try and uncrumple the paper as I stand up out of bed and stick the drawing onto my mirror. I stand, staring at it for a moment, hating that I look like a twelve year old girl that's just been asked to the disco as I grin up at Simon's drawing of us. Then I hear a thud coming from the kitchen, followed by a string of colourful swears. Rolling my eyes, I pull on jeans and a jumper before I open my door, finding Fiona in the kitchen, and the blender broken on the tiled floor.

"Why the fuck did you put my Nutri Bullet on top of the cupboard?" she asks as she picks up the broken pieces and places them on the counter top where me and Simon spent half an hour pulling. 

"Sorry," I shrug sheepishly. "Would you like a coffee?" I ask in an attempt to subdue the scowl on her face.

"Go on then," she nods before she opens the fridge as I grab two mugs. "Did you eat _everything_ in the house at the weekend?" she asks before she shuts the fridge door. Shrugging, I turn around to face her, but I clamp my mouth shut when I see her watching me, eyebrows arched, smirk plastered on her face. "Or was it that Simon kid?" She smiles when I don't say anything and just stand there still as she takes the mugs from my hand and puts the kettle on. "He seems nice."

"You- you _met_ him?" I ask, hating that my voice goes up and wavers as I speak. Why did he even leave? Why would he leave without telling me? He probably woke up regretting everything.

"Yeah, I mean, barely. He was leaving as I walked in." I nod and pray that on the outside I look cool and calm, because on the inside I'm fucking panicking. Because a, Simon left without saying anything to me, just left a drawing and b, I can't let Fiona know what happened on the counter she's currently making our coffee on. I try to come up with a valid excuse when Fiona asks, "So, who is he?"

"Just a mate," I say quickly. "He was drunk...last night," I say as she hands me my mug. "So I said he could stay over here last night."

"Did you give him an air mattress or..." she asks, hiding her grin with her mug. What the fuck?

"What? I'm not allowed to have friends over now?" I ask, my tone getting angrier as I frown. And I get even angrier when Fiona laughs at me condescendingly, like she knows perfectly well I'm lying and there's no way she's going to play along with it. "Of course you can have your mates over, I don't care."

"Well, why are we even talking about it then?" I hiss before I leave the kitchen, not even caring that I sound like a five year old stomping away. I slam my door, blocking out Fiona's laughing as she turns up Sunday Kitchen on the TV. 

Monday, April 25 - 11:26

"Hey, Luke," I say when Luke Evens walks out of Simon's drama classroom. Luke's the only year thirteen I really know, and that's only because I was on the football team with him last year, and the track team with him this year. "Hey man, what's up?" he claps my shoulder as he stops walking, shouldering his bag.

"Nothing, nothing... I was just wondering if Simon Snow's in your drama class?" I say it quickly, my desperation to talk to Simon over riding my anxiety about asking a year thirteen a fucking weird question.

"Uh, yeah," Luke nods but then he pushes his tongue into his cheek. "He's not in today though. He's actually not been in class a lot recently."

"Oh, really?" I ask, furrowing my eyebrows.

"Yeah he freaked out a week ago, and hasn't really been back to class since." _What?_  "I don't think he's in at all today though," Luke says before he shrugs. "Sorry, I couldn't be of more help, man. Hey, you'll be at training on Wednesday night, right?"

"Yeah," I nod as Luke leaves, waving to me. I wave back before I pull my phone from my blazer pocket. Nothing from Simon. I sigh, and turn my phone off, going to walk down the corridor when I see Sabrina. Her and Ava are standing at the end of the hall, against the lockers as they talk to each other, Sabrina putting on lipstick as Ava plays with her hair. I hold my breath and sprint in the other direction before she can see me, dodging people as I run down the stairs, taking them two at a time.

I push the door to the school yard open with my shoulder, nodding when I spot my friends sitting across from me, when my phone goes off in my pocket. My breathing hitches as I dig into my pocket, praying to anyone that'll fucking listen that it's Simon. That he isn't dead. That he isn't ignoring me because he regrets everything. That he hasn't realised how fucking naive I am at this shit. 

****Ezra O'Sullivan : 12:02 - Hey, wanna help me with a uni thing? Since I can't except alcohol from minors, and you still owe me one** **

Sighing, I look down at Ezra's text. He's replying to the message I sent him last week telling him I owe him one since he gave me a lift back. I mean, it wouldn't hurt, and I guess I could kind of use his opinion right now. He's probably the only person I can imagine telling that I'm gay right now. I keep walking as I type a response, scratching my jaw.

****Baz: 12:02 - What's your uni thing?** **

****Ezra O'Sullivan : 12:02 - You'll see ;)** **

I roll my eyes at his reply before I put my phone away and walk over to my friends, my hands in my pockets tightened into fists. I enter the conversation as Niall is shaking his head and saying, "Maybe you're a little queer, Dev?" 

"Hey," I say quickly, nodding at Niall and Will as Dev throws me a fist bump. Then they go back to talking and I frown when Niall seems to glare at me. The hell?

"There's this girl who's stalking me," Dev tells me, gesturing to his phone. "She's started liking my posts from two years ago, man."

"Who?" Will asks, leaning over from his seat on the wall to peer at Dev's phone.

"That girl, Skye, from your primary class," Dev shrugs. Will's eyes light up.

"Did you two hook up or something?"

"Are you kidding me, man?" Niall snorts, elbowing Dev when he grins. "She practically pounced on him when they were dancing."

"After everything you guys made me drink, how do you expect me to remember this?" Oh shit. Oh fucking shit. Will's birthday. Pizza Express and club. On Saturday. The Saturday I spent with Simon. Oh shit.

"Fuck, your birthday!" I cringe, scratching my head as Will smiles awkwardly. "Oh shit, I completely forgot, man. I'm so, so, sorry, man," I add before I envelope him in a hug, patting his back. "I uhh, had a fight with my dad," I lie, hating the way it comes out so easily. "It was pretty bad."

"It's chill," Will shrugs, forcing a smile.

"It hasn't been the easiest to deal with," I say, looking down at the ground as I kick the stones under my shoes. "I'm really sorry," I apologise again, this time looking up at Dev.

"It's fine, Baz," he says, but he doesn't look me in the eye as he says it. We stand in an awkward silence for a moment before Dev sighs. "You have to talk to this Skye bird, man," he says to Will, shaking his head. "She just liked eleven of my posts. This isn't normal."

"I'll text her right now," Will nods sympathetically, pulling his phone out.

"I don't understand you," Niall snorts. "You bitch about being single and wanting to get over Emily, and then you get a girl and you're still complaining?"

"I _am_ over Emily. This isn't about her," Dev scowls, but I notice him glance over to where Penny, Sarah and Emily are sitting. I personally don't think Dev ever got over Emily. Every time she walks past with her friends, he freezes up and stares at her until she leaves. He blinks as he looks away and up at me. He bites his lip sheepishly before he turns back to Will and Niall with a grin on his face. "Have you seen this Skye chick? She looks like Baz's little sister."

"Step-sister," I add, folding my arms. "Also Mordelia is like thirteen."

Niall doesn't even acknowledge me before he speaks. "Yeah, but I wasn't the one hitting on her, was I?"

"Everyone's game after two am," Dev frowns, running a hand down his face before his phone starts blowing up. "Oh, you are kidding me," he frowns pinching the bridge of his nose. "She's got my fucking number! How the hell does she have my number? Why is she t _exting me_?"

"Cause I just sent it to her," Will giggles.

"You little shit!" Dev groans. "Why the fuck are you laughing, you pillock! Stop laughing! It's not funny in the slightest."

Wednesday, April 27 - 18:13

I yawn as I stretch with Luke on the track, my muscles screaming as I bend down. "Tired?"

"Uh, uh...yeah," I nod as I watch him do his regular twenty press ups. "I've not really been sleeping well recently."

"You stressed or something?" he asks before he picks himself up, grabbing his water. 

"Something like that," I murmur before Coach Evak calls us over. As I walk with Luke, the slight wind against my legs, I swear I catch a glimpse of bright gold in my peripheral vision. I try and slyly turn but when I see Simon leaning in the threshold to the changing rooms, my heart actually skips a beat. I pause slightly and watch, eyes wide as he gestures for me to come over before he disappears inside.

"Uh, Coach, I left my water inside," I say when me and Luke reach everyone else. "Can I go get it?" I add when Coach glares at me before he nods. 

"You better be back here in less than five minutes, Pitch," he calls after me as I sprint off towards the school. Towards Simon.

I'm panting as I reach the building, so I pause before I walk in. I try and smooth out my hair as I kick the door open, poking my head in as I look around for Simon. "Hey," I say as I walk into the changing room, hovering near the door after I shut it.

"Hi," he says, bursting out into a grin when he sees me standing here. I don't smile back. 

"Where have you been?" I breathe, my tone slightly angry as I take small steps towards him. 

"I..." he trails off, looking down at his hands. "I had to think. About things."

"Okay," I nod, jaw clenched, because even though that makes sense, he could've texted me back. 

"I told Agatha about you," he says suddenly, looking up at me with his bright and wide eyes. "On Sunday. We decided to take a break."

"I'm sorry," I say. 

"You're sorry?" Simon tilts his head and arches an eyebrow as he takes a step closer to me. He's not wearing his uniform, and as I watch him watch me, I wonder how he even got into the school. You're not allowed into the school without your uniform. Maybe he climbed over the roof. As I gaze at his light pink hoodie and his really, really tight jeans, I realise that I'm procrastinating answering his question.

"I mean, it's my fault," I whisper, biting my lip as I avoid his gaze. "And I'm sorry if it makes you sad because I mean-"

"But I'm not sad!" I look up to find Simon grinning at me. He grabs my hand when I arch an eyebrow in disbelief. 

"You're not?"

"I'm really not," he shakes his head, grinning a wide, full-on, white teethed smile. "I wanna be with you," he says, brining his hand up to lightly pull my hair.  I try and suppress the grin that threatens to blossom on my face. "Do you not wanna be with me?" he asks as he smirks, even though he knows full well the answer to that. 

"Well, I don't know," I shrug, shuffling closer to him. "I think so."

"Why don't you know?" he asks sheepishly, looking up at me, his face a cast of sadness. I don't reply, looking away. We can both hear the unsaid answer in the air. Because he didn't reply to any of my texts. Because I think he might hurt me. Because he's mysterious and although half of the time that's pretty hot, the other half of the time it's a bit frustrating. "What would...what would your parents say about this?" he asks softly.

I snort. "I don't think it would be a problem for my aunt. And I highly doubt my father would care."

"You sure?" Simon tilts his head, his soft curls falling into his face.

"Well, I left home when I was fifteen to live with my Aunt after my mum died," I look away as I speak, unable to see Simon look at me like I'm some sort of charity case. "But I don't think she'd mind," I add with a smile when Simon bites the inside of his cheek, looking like he doesn't know what to say.

"I'm sorry-" he starts but I cut him off.

"Don't. Please, don't. We don't need to talk about it," I shake my head, looking away. I really don't want to talk to about it with Simon.

"What about your dad?" he asks.

"He's got a new wife now, and three kids. I highly doubt he'd care."

"Why'd you leave him?" 

"After mum died...he got really fucking depressed. All he did was stay at home doing fuck all all day. He'd watch TV and complain about everything and forget to cook. I think he completely forgot about me. So I just left. If someone's not right in the head, there's nothing you can do about it. And I wasn't going to let him fuck me up. The only thing I could do was spend as little time with him as possible, or I'd end up crazy too." I frown slightly when Simon looks away, blinking as his throat bobs. It only then dawns on me that I've made this conversation very fucking depressing. "What would your parents say?" I ask, smiling when he turns to face me with a massive grin on his face. 

"My parents are gonna love you," he whispers as he tilts his forehead against mine. I roll my eyes when he nudges his nose against mine and go to lightly shove him away when he pulls me against him, grinning up at me before he kisses me softly. I smile into the kiss and go to place my hands on his neck when someone calls my name from the corridor. "Baz!"

Me and Simon practically jump apart from each other right before Luke walks in, pausing in the doorway as he cocks his head slightly. "Oh, hey Simon," he says, his tone slightly confused as Simon waves. "How you been, mate?"

"Alright," Simon nods, leaning against the wall, looking a lot more calm than I feel. 

"Cool," Luke nods, kissing his teeth. "Well, Coach needs you back on the track, Baz," Luke says before he smiles at Simon. "See you around, man." Simon nods and stays standing against the wall as he watches me and Luke leave. After Luke leaves the room I turn around as I walk after him and smile when Simon blows me a kiss before grinning. I shake my head as I walk out of the room, but as I run laps with Luke for the next hour, my heart feels lighter than it had an hour ago.


	13. Pride

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "About you wandering around Gay Street pissed at night?"

Thursday, April 28 - 16:21

I frown as I look up from my phone at the abandoned church I'm now standing in front of. I blink before I look back down at the address. 2121 Mummurs Street. This is definitely 2121 Mummurs Street. I just don't know why Ezra asked me to meet him here. At a creepy abandoned church.

Sighing, I put my phone away and gingerly walk up the stairs, shoving my hands in my pockets. I pause at the front doors and feel like a twat as I knock on the door of a fucking church. When nothing happens I'm tempted to leave but then I hear someone whistling. I frown as I look up to see Ezra leaning out of a window, holding a pretentious, old, arty camera. 

"What are you-" I start to speak when Ezra brings the camera up to his eye and the flash goes off. "Did you just take a _picture_ of me?" I ask, tilting my head. 

"Yep," Ezra grins as he looks at the camera. "You blinked," he says bluntly before he disappears from the window.

"Ezra!" I call up and sigh when he doesn't pop his head out again. " _Ezra_?" I shout, this time a bit more concerned, because this is a really fucking old church, and what if he's fallen through the floor or something. I hold my breath before I push the door open, my lips parting as I take in the building. It's beautiful. I walk along the floorboards, that to my surprise aren't rotting, and trace the colourful stained glass windows. Blinking up at a depiction of an angel, my heart flutters slightly. It looks like Simon. Bronze curls. Blue eyes. 

I hold my breath as I reach out, my fingers shaking as they meet the cool glass. I look up at the glass, my own face reflecting in the angel's face. My throat bobs as I take in the pure beauty, when there's a click from beside me. I jump slightly, my hand falling from the window. "God," I sigh, my heart racing, when I see Ezra looking down at his camera again. 

"This place is beautiful, right?" he asks as he walks past me, down the aisle, dust hovering when he takes a step.

"It's cool," I nod as I follow him, tapping my fingers on the oak benches. "But what are we doing here?" 

"Pictures," he grins as he turns to face me, holding up his camera. "And you, Basil, are my muse and my lookout."

"But I'm wearing my uniform," I object, because if there's one thing I utterly despise, it's people taking my picture. It's horrendous. My forehead is too big. I have a widows peak that makes me look like a bond villain. I'm too skinny and tall and my arms are too long. "That's fine," Ezra shrugs. 

"But I have these dark circles under my eyes and-" I shut my mouth when Ezra cocks his head at me and arches an eyebrow, a small smirk on his face. "It's nothing. Whatever," I sigh before I scuff my shoes on the floor. I scowl slightly when I hear his camera click again. "Perfect!" he exclaims, clapping his hands. "Just look sad and angsty. Perfecto." 

I let Ezra take pictures of me walking around the church, not really knowing what I'm doing. I'm pretty sure I'm doing it fine though, because Ezra keeps grinning and calling me his very own Camille Claudel. When Ezra tells me he's going to get more film, I wait until he's left the room to sit down next to the angel window and text Simon. 

**Baz: 16:42 - My friend's following me around a church with a camera right now, sounds a lot more sketchy than it is. We could hang out later if you're not busy?**

I look up when Ezra walks back in, taking a picture of the intricate carvings on the ceiling. "Hey, you, uh...you didn't say anything to Emily, did you?"

"About you wandering around Gay Street pissed at night?" I don't say anything just frown up at him from my place on the floor. "Relax, me and my sister have better things to talk about," he grins as he walks over to me, plopping himself down. I watch as he starts fiddling with his camera. "So, what'd you wanna talk about?" he asks, his green eyes watching me carefully. 

"Nothing," I say quickly. "I just wanted to hang out." Ezra snorts, and even I can admit that was a pretty obvious lie. He doesn't push me though, just sits and plays with his camera, leaving me to my thoughts. I push my tongue into my cheek as my knee jolts up and down. I don't know if I can do this, I think as I glance at Ezra. He's still looking at his camera, pretending not to care what I'm thinking about, but I can see the anxiety behind his cast of indifference. And if I tell him, I don't want him to think I'm...that I'm like him.

But he's the only person who's been through what I'm going through.

He's the only person who might understand.

"I'm," I start, gulping when my throat bobs. "I'm seeing this...I'm seeing this guy." And that's it. It's out there. I said it, and nothing happened. I'm fine. I feel a bit better than fine actually. Ezra grins at me after he places his camera down and claps my shoulder. "That's fucking amazing, Baz!" He smiles brightly, turning to properly face me. I smile lightly when I see that he's got dust all over his white hair. "Are you happy?" he asks, a hint of concern in his voice.

"You're not surprised?" I ask instead, ignoring his question. Because I don't even know the answer to that. I sigh when he arches his eyebrows and tilts his head at me, smiling slightly. "I swear I didn't know it was Gay Street!" I protest desperately, folding my arm. "I swear!" I add when Ezra laughs, shaking his head. 

"And you like him?" Ezra asks.

"Yes," I nod, hugging my knees to my chest. "But this..." I say softly. "It doesn't mean I'm gay."

Ezra laughs lightly but he nods anyway. "Okay," he shrugs, furrowing his eyebrows slightly. "But you _are_ dating a _boy_."

"Yes," I say, my throat bobbing nervously. "But I'm not _gay_ gay," I say, looking up at him. "You know? I'm not like you."

Ezra narrows his eyes. "And how am _I_?"

"You're on Grindr," I shrug. "You go to gay bars and hit on guys who's nicknames are the lengths of their cocks. Your lock-screen is a rainbow." Ezra nods, but he doesn't say anything as he clenches his jaw.  "I respect your _gay pride style_ ," I say, my chest heaving. "But, I'm just...I'm not personally like that." I look up and meet his eyes. "I don't think I could ever be like that." Ezra looks away, staring down at his hands. "Why do you have to bleach your hair, and go to Pride and let everyone know you want to fuck?"

"Okay," Ezra says slowly, looking at me, but not at me. He won't meet my eyes. "I'm going to tell you a couple of things about these people that use Grindr, and whom you despise so much." My throat bobs. "You look at my hair, at my tattoo," he says, his eyes dropping to the rainbow flag on his wrist. "But don't you realise that tomorrow I could be on the bus and some fucking fascist could beat the shit out of me for no reason?" I look away. "No," he gives a humourless huff of amusement. "You don't. You think of these as frilly choices. The shirts, a colourful tattoo. Going to Pride," eh shakes his head and doesn't continue until I look up at him. "There's nothing frivolous about risking your life every time you leave the house, Baz. And let me tell you, the people you despise, they'd rather die than pretend to be something they're not."

"Are you that brave, Baz?" he asks, leaning closer to me. "I don't think you are. Not yet anyway." I go to open my mouth, to try and maybe explain myself or tell him that I don't despise those people but I just _can't_ , when he cuts me off. "So you should be careful judging people attending Pride. People fighting for your rights, even if you don't realise it yet."

"I get it..." I say as he looks away from me, running a slightly shaking hand through his hair. "But that wasn't my point-"

"Yes," he cuts me off. "It is. That was your point." He pauses for a moment, running his tongue over his teeth before he stands up, grabbing his camera. I watch as he leaves, sharing his head as he walks towards the door, kicking it open. I flinch when it slams behind him. 

Sighing, I lean my head against the wall, pulling my phone from my pocket when it beeps. 

**Simon: 16:51 - Idk about meeting up later, I this is all going too fast. I need time.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know y'all are probably pretty pissed rn, but trust me, Baz'll come around and he'll see what he said wrong but this had to happen for his to see that.
> 
> Leave a comment or a kudos pls I love feedback
> 
> also sorry this chapter is shorter than usual, but if I had put this chapter and the next chapter together it would've been mega long.
> 
> Thanks as always for reading, updates coming soon! :)


	14. Mates

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Three weeks, Dev! He's been pissing everyone off for three weeks! Fuck you, Baz!"

Friday, April 29 - 21:32

I stare at the seven bottles of various alcohols on my coffee table, blankly gazing at my reflection from the blue WKD bottle before Will picks it up. "There's this extremely fit girl in the year above us." Will's waffling on about some girl and I blink up at Dev and Niall who are nodding along. "And you didn't tell your bros?" Niall frowns, lightly punching Will's arm. 

"Yeah, what the fuck man?" Dev smirks, kicking Will from his seat. I sigh silently as I lean further into the couch, wishing that I could just completely sink into it and be done with this. But I owe them this much. I forgot Will's birthday. I fucked up Sabrina's gaff. I owe them a couple of beers at mine. Especially because Fiona's staying at Nico's tonight. 

"Yeah, I was at this Woodside party," Will continues, raking a hand through his blonde hair as he grins ear to ear, obviously delighted we're listening to his random hookup story. Well, two out of three are listening to him. "I hadn't done shit the whole time, just sat there, chilling, you know." I frown when Shallow starts playing from the speaker. Niall's playlist is on, since he won the coin toss, but as soon as I recognise the first notes, I lean over and skip the song. None of them even notice. 

"She comes up to me," Will grins, waving his hands around dramatically, his Fanta splashing onto the floor. "And I'm like, _holy smokes_ , it's _her_! Then she grabs me and drags me into the bathroom." I lean my head against the wall as I chuck the vodka in my glass. "The _bathroom_!" Will sings as he stands up, shaking Niall by the shoulders. "I had to pinch myself while we were kissing to make sure it was real, man!" 

Dev laughs, shaking his head as he leans over, clutching his stomach as Niall asks, "And then what happened?"

"She took off this bra thing she was wearing, and I took off my shirt, and like her tits, guys!" I groan and let myself fall onto my side, but Dev and Niall are too busy laughing and too busy trying to tell if Will's bullshitting them right now to notice. "And we're making out so fucking hard."

"Did you go all the way?" Dev asks as he tosses a couple of Pringles in his mouth. 

"No! We didn't fuck because there was no toilet seat. I tried to sit down but I kind of fell in." I shut my eyes before I take another shot, trying to block all of this out. Dev and Niall seem to be doing the opposite. "Well you could've taken her from behind then," Niall shrugs.

"Oh shit, I could've done that!" Will groans, letting his face fall into his hands. Amateur, Niall grins, pushing Will as he sighs dramatically. "I didn't think of that! We're still making out, but there are people outside. You know, waiting to piss or throw up and that."

"And you freaked out?" Niall guesses.

"Yeah, I _freaked_ _out_. I had to get out of there." I look up at them, frowning. Why does Simon think it's going too fast? Why did he say that? The more I drink, the more dark thoughts creep into my mind. "We both jumped out the window. She went round the front and I went in through the side door. And one guy was like, 'The hell? There are people fucking in there!' So I just went, 'Really?' even though it was me!" They all laugh and I watch them as they grab more drinks.

"So where are we going tonight then?" Niall asks he crinkles his nose when he sniffs his cup. He downs it anyway. 

"Yeah, I put a nice shirt on for this," Dev says, smoothing out the white shirt he's wearing. "We've got to find somewhere."

"Looking fucking fine, man," Niall nods as Dev grins, ruffling Niall's red hair. I blink as I watch them smile and laugh with each other, feeling very, very far away.

"Guys, guys, Lukas tried to call me," Will says as he looks down at his phone. Sipping a coke, I watch as Will puts the phone to his ear after Dev and Niall shouted at him to call Lukas back. "Yo! Hey mate, yeah, how's it going? Alright, yeah, yeah. Listen, you're going out tonight, right man? Where?"

"Who's hosting?" Dev asks, whispering as he leans forward.

"Year Eleven from Watford," Will whispers to Dev before he turns back to the phone. "Oh, oh! Yeah, we know her! We know her!" he exclaims, getting more and more excited each second. "It's at Sabrina's!" he laughs, and I hold my breath when they all turn to face me. "Okay, okay cool. Just text me the address, man. Yep. Thanks, see you there mate." Will laughs when he hangs up, pointing at me. "Bro, you can get us in there. Baz! Yes, man. Get in!" 

I shake my head at them all as I look down at my trainers. "No. No, she hates me right now, guys."

"What? Why?" Dev asks, frowning. I gulp as I look at him but before he can say anything else Niall snorts. 

"Look man, we've all seen you. You've got the skills. Just talk to her!"

"Sarah's going to be there!" Will says pleading. "Please, Baz. You gave to get us in!"

I lean forward as I place my can on the table. "It doesn't matter than I know her. I can't do it. She fucking hates me, guys." There's a pause before Niall rolls his eyes, standing up as he brushes down his jeans.

"Look, this guy obviously needs to go and fight with his dad or something, so let's just go us three." My lips part as I stare at Niall. He's meant to be my mate.

"What the fuck?" Will sighs, shaking his head. "Okay, let's just forget about..." he groans, frustrated as he shakes his head. "I forgive you about my birthday, okay?" Will says to me, placing his hand on my knee. I shake my head, sighing as I down another shot. "It's not going to work."

"Sabrina! Sabrina! Sabrina!" I scowl as Dev and Will start chanting and clapping their hands. Niall just stands against the wall, arms folded as he glares at me. "Sabrina! Baz! Sabrina! Baz! Sabrina! Baz!" Dev and Will yell as they clamber up and start dancing with each other, clapping their hands. I sigh and shake my head when the two of them jump onto me, shaking my shoulders."Sabrina! Baz! Sabrina! Baz! Sabrina! Baz!"

Friday, April 29 - 22:39

I keep behind the three of them as we walk up to Sabrina's house, a girl is a short dress and no shoes sobbing as she pushes past us. My throat bobs as I look up at the house. You can see people dancing and drinking in the windows, flashing disco lights and blaring music accompanying the sounds of pissed kids throwing up on the front lawn. "Hey guys, who are you?" A guy at the front door asks, holding his hand out and stopping Dev from walking in.

" _Who are you_?" Niall asks, folding his arms.

"Where are you going?" The guy asks, tilting his head.

"To the party," Dev shrugs, trying to push past. The guy just shoves him back. "Sabrina lives here, right?"

"Yeah. Are you invited?"

"Yes," Niall frowns. "Are you some kind of bouncer or what?" I shove my hands into my pockets when Sarah and Penny appear at the door, Sarah arching an eyebrow at Will who waves at her like some kind of simpleton. "I'm just a friend of Sabrina," the guy says, shrugging.

"Yeah well, so are we," Niall argues back. 

"What year are you in? the guy asks as Sarah smiles at Will who's making stupid faces. I shudder in the cold, shouldering my coat. I just wanna go home and sleep.

"Twelve. Why don't you just go and get Sabrina and check with her?

"It's alright," Sarah says, stepping up to the guy as she places a hand on his arm. "I know them." I groan and kick at the grass when Wills yells Sabrina's name into the open doorway. 

"Guys, I don't know. It's getting kind of crowded in here," the guy says as Sarah sips on the glass of wine she's holding. Sighing, I go to tell Dev we should just leave. The party looks shit anyway and this guy's being reasonable when Niall shakes his head. "What? Is this prom now? Just go get Sabrina, mate." but Niall and Dev's voices fade as I look through the door and see Simon inside. He's wearing a white t-shirt and he's laughing with some guy, a Corona in his hand. This might be my only chance to talk to him. I push past Will, Dev and Niall and look up at the guy with Sarah. "Just let me in," I say, sounding a lot more confident that I feel.

"Why should I let _you_ in?"

"I'm Baz. I'm in Year Twelve and I _know_ Sabrina. She's a Year Eleven. Just let me talk to her."

"What's her last name?"

"Sabrina Keita!" I growl, frustrated. "I'm telling you, I know her. She's my...we're...we're going out!" I say quickly, not even thinking about it before I hiss it to the guy. "Just let me talk to her."

It’s not Sabrina I want to talk to. But I desperately need to talk to Simon. Need to know why he said that. What he's thinking. What I've done wrong. "These guys can stay here, and I'll come right back," I beg.

"It's really crowded, okay? So I'll give you one minute, and they have to stay here."

"Yes, whatever," I shrug before I push past him, making my way through the sea of people. I shuffle through everyone, scanning the room on my toes for Simon as I make my way through the living room. I walk past Emily pulling some guy and I duck under them as the blaring music vibrates through my whole body. I make my way into the hall, finally spotting Simon talking to a guy on the landing. I freeze, my hands shaking before I force my feet to move, each step taking me closer to him, when I bump into someone. I go to say sorry when I make eye contact with Sabrina.

"What the fuck?" she hisses, narrowing her eyes at me. "You have no right to be here!"

"Look, Sabrina, I'm really sorry about last time. We were stupid for leaving you and Agatha and I shouldn't-" I start to apologise when she cuts me off, her voice dripping in pure anger, directed at me.

"Oh no, I'm not pissed about last time," she shakes her head, her eyes lining with angry tears as she points her fingers at me. "I despise you, Baz Pitch, for treating me like a fucking idiot. Because you used me!" I go to object but she's still speaking. "Because you're _gay_!"

"What are you saying?" I breathe, my voice trembling as people start to turn in our direction.

"You're _GAY_ , Baz!" she yells, her own voice breaking as tears of anger cling to her jaw.

"What are you talking about?" I ask, desperately trying to throw her off of it. Please stop screaming it. Please stop. Please stop. Please stop. Stop. Sabrina just shakes her head, gazing at me before she turns and disappears into the crowd of dancing people. I'm left standing there, with a screaming heart and people watching me carefully. I blink before I turn and make for the door, my face bright red as I feel their eyes on me. I weave through the crowd and scowl when I see that guy still standing in the doorway. I push him out of the way and clench my jaw when he stumbles as I make my way outside. "What's going on, bro? Will asks, grabbing my arm. "What's wrong?"

"Let me go, Will!" I say hoarsely, pushing him off of me. He just blinks at me as I walk down the stairs. 

"Let him be," I hear Niall say behind me. "He's probably having a family issue. It's not your fault, Will."

Red. Everything turns red. A fiery, angry, blinding red.

I turn back around and shove Niall with all the force I can muster, watching as he falls into Dev. "Don't talk about my fucking family!" I shout, teeth gritted.

"What are you fucking _doing,_ Baz?" Dev hisses as he pushes me away from Niall. And before I know it they're pushing me, and I'm punching Niall in the eye and someone's kicking me and Sarah's screaming and begging us to stop before someone pushes me out of the way and I stumble down the steps.

"Get the fuck out of here!" Niall screams after me as I turn to leave, hands in my pocket, my right fist aching. And then I see him at the side of the house. And my knees threaten to buckle. He's kissing Agatha. His hands are on her cheeks and her hands are in his hair and he's kissing her. He's _kissing_ her. He's kissing her. What? Why is he... why is he kissing her?

"What's gotten into him? He's been driving us crazy everyday for three fucking weeks!" I hear Niall shout. I look up to see him struggling against Dev's hold. "Let me slap him back into his fucking place!" I watch them for a moment, jaw trembling before I turn and run away. "Three weeks, Dev! He's been pissing everyone off for three weeks! FUCK YOU, BAZ!"

There's a ringing in my ears as I walk through the streets of Cloisters, not really sure where I'm going. I clench my teeth so hard it starts to hurt before I come to a row of shops. In my fit of rage, I slam my fist against the shop's closed metal front, yelling as I punch it again and again and again until blood smears against the metal. I scream in frustration as I cradle my fist, caked in wet blood as I drop to the ground, slamming my head against the wall. I don't brush away the tears that cling to my jaw as I rest my head in my knees.

He kissed her.


	15. I'm Exhausted

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I don't know why you said that on Friday but you know it's bullshit, right?"

Monday, May 2 - 08:10

I shove my hands into my blazer pockets as I pause at the front of the schoolyard. I nod my head to the Lana Del Ray coming from my earphones as I fiddle with the wires. My throat tightens when I see Sabrina standing at the side of the school with her friends, arms folded. I curl my left hand into a fist as I breathe in and out deeply, my knees jolting slightly. I can do this. This is fine. I'll ignore the fact that some people now think I'm gay and that Sabrina's waiting to slit my throat and Simon is a fucking liar and all my friends hate me.

Biting my lip, I walk forward, keeping my eyes on my wrapped up hand as I walk forward, my legs feeling like lead. When Fiona came home on Saturday, and she saw my bloodied, fucked up fist, she almost killed me herself. But she didn't, and instead wrapped my hand up and made me a hot chocolate. But then when I refused to tell her what happened and why there's a bruise below my eye, she _grounded_ me. Like I had anyone to talk to anyway.

I frown as I keep walking, ignoring Sabrina as she glares at me. But then I make the mistake of looking to the right, and I see Simon and his friends laughing at the side. I blink and look away quickly, but I can feel his eyes on me, so I speed up, relief flooding me as I get closer to the building, even as I feel the burn of Sabrina and Simon's eyes on my back. I'm almost at the front door, Lana Del Ray's voice in my ears as I stride through the schoolyard, ignoring the two people I've been thinking about for three days. At least I look cool, I think to myself as I walk past Simon and his friends. And then, a meter before I reach the door, a Year Eleven walks into me. Or actually, I'm pretty sure I walk into him. I blink as I stumble back slightly. "Watch where you're going," the guy shakes his head before he walks off. 

I sigh as I shoulder my back and continue into the school. As I pull the doors open, I turn my head slightly meeting Simon's eyes. He doesn't smile or frown, just watches me intently as he walks off, trailing behind his friends. Biting my lip, I watch as they disappear around a corner before I walk inside, the music disappearing as I pulling my earphones out. 

Tuesday, May 3 - 07:33

"Hello."

I look up from my phone to see Dev swinging himself into the seat in front of me. "Hey," I nod. He hesitates for a moment before he turns forward. I lean against the bus window as I watch him. I think he hates me. He should hate me. I've been a massive prick. He probably hates me. I hold my breath when he turns back around, looking like he wants to say something but he doesn't know how. "What's up?" I say before he can tell me he doesn't want to be my mate anymore because I'm a dickhead and not worth it.

"Nothing much," he shrugs, turning around in his seat. "Will said that Mrs White got sick fifth period on Friday. So she's not coming in this week at all."

"That'd be great," I laugh slightly, looking down at the floor. I can't bear looking at him. "I haven't studied shit."

"If you want," he says tentatively. "We're going to Niall's tomorrow, to copy notes and that. I got Eve Green to send me her Physics notes so we're all set."

"Isn't he pissed at me?" I ask, looking up at him from under my eyelashes. Dev bites his bottom lip as he looks away from me, glancing out of the window before he sighs. I knew it. Here it comes.

"We just don't get what's up with you recently," he shrugs, his face concerned.

"With _me_?" I ask, trying to sound as innocent as possible. But Dev just narrows his eyes and nods. "Well," I sigh, not really knowing where to start. "My dad, who has a whole new family. My mum's anniversary is coming up in a week. And I can't sleep anymore. I'm exhausted. I lose my shit over anything. Over _everything_."

Dev nods, pushing his tongue into his cheek as he rakes a hand through his hair. "Do you wanna skip first period? Go get a coffee or something?" he asks, smiling lightly. "We could talk?"

"I can't," I shake my head. "I've already missed too many days," I say, even though that's not the reason I can't go with him. It's not that I don't want to. It's just that I have something to do first period.

"Okay," he nods slowly. "Just...call me when you want to talk." 

Tuesday, May 3 - 09:47

"Alright, clean away the balls and then go get changed." I push myself up off the door when I hear Coach's voice from inside the gym hall. I wait until people start to leave, arching their eyebrows at me as I push through into the hall. I bite my lip as I see Sabrina throw a netball into the box before she turns and meets my eyes. She's wearing her PE kit and her hair's up. She'd look very pretty if she wasn't scowling at me. She goes to walk around me before I grab her bare wrist. "Sabrina, wait. just listen to me, please."

"Get the fuck off me!" she snarls, snatching her arm back like I've burned her. "Are you crazy, Baz?"

"Okay, okay, I'm sorry. I just want to talk to you, please."

"I have nothing to say to you," she shrugs before she tries to walk off again. I can feel her anger radiating off of her.

"Sabrina, please," I beg as I follow her. 

"What do you want?" she asks angrily, her voice breaking as she stops walking and faces me, arms folded.

"I don't know why you said that on Friday, but you know it's bullshit, right?" Just deny it. Just deny it. Just deny it. Don't let her know it's real. Don't let her know it's true.

"It is?" she asks, eyebrows arched.

"I'm not a..." I go to say before I remember there are still people here. I lower my voice and step closer to her as I shake my head. "I am not a fag, Sabrina. And I don't know where it's coming from but don't go around telling people. Okay?"

"So that's it?" she asks and I hate that she's getting louder and angrier. My breathing hitches when people start glancing at us. "You haven't come to talk, to apologise..." she shakes her head, and laughs humourlessly. "You've just come to make sure I won't tell anyone!"

"There's nothing to tell, since it's not true!" I interrupt her, my own voice getting louder and more frantic because I need to her to believe me. I need her to just stop. "Don't you get that it's not true!" She scoffs and takes a step back. "I just don't want people believing something that's not true," I say, trying to calm down. "That's all, Sabrina."

"But I can believe what I want," Sabrina shakes her head, like I'm the fucking crazy one here. "And I can tell whatever I want to whoever I want!" she says loudly, gesturing to everyone in the hall. "You can't tell me what to do, Baz! And I don't owe you anything, alright?" I stand still, swaying slightly as I watch her leave before I squeeze my eyes shut, and cover my face with my hands. _Fuck_.

Tuesday, May 3 - 12:32

I frown as I stare at the Biology past paper, not really seeing any of the words. I'm sitting in the cafeteria with Penny, trying to ignore Dev, Niall and Will laughing at our table together. I look down at my phone and click onto me and Ezra's texts from yesterday, chewing on my bottom lip.

**Baz: 5:30 - Hey**

**Ezra: 5:32 - Hey you**

**Baz: 5:32 - Are you busy tonight?**

**Ezra: 5:38 - I'm super busy, Baz**

**Baz: 5:38 - I just wanted to apologise**

**Ezra: 5:41 - I know**

**Baz: 5:41 - I am really sorry**

**Ezra: 5:49 - I know**

**Baz: 5:49 - They why don't you want to hang out with me :(**

**Ezra: 5:54 - Because I have an exam for uni this week**

**Baz: 5:54 - okay**

"I read your part of the essay, by the way." When Penny starts to speak I groan. 

"And you hated it? I need to change it? It's all wrong?" I guess, dropping my head on the table. 

"No," she snorts. "Actually, I was going to say that I think I should redo my half. It's weak compared to yours."

" _Really_?" I ask, looking up at her. I smile when she nods.

"This is a one time thing though," she reminds me, grinning before she looks at her phone and her face falls. "Oh shit," she says as she starts shutting her books. 

"What's wrong?" I ask before I help her gather up her pens and textbooks. 

"I'm late for the eco committee meeting," she says before she shoulders her bag and slides off her chair. "Are you coming?" she asks. Surprisingly, she doesn't protest when I shake my head. I'm not going anywhere if there's even the slightest chance I might see Simon. "Fine, I'll see you tomorrow, Baz."

"See you," I say quietly, but she's already gone. Sighing, I pack up my own things because I am not going to sit here for the next half an hour on my own, looking like some pathetic loser. I shove my hands in my pockets as I wander to my locker, not having anywhere else to go. I run my tongue over my teeth as I drop my bag onto the floor and start to pile my books into my locker. "Hey." I don't realise anyone's talking to me until my locker moves slightly and I see Simon Snow leaning against the wall. "Hey," he says again, blinking as he looks me up and down. I hate that. I hate that he's looking at me right now. I hate that he's even speaking to me. And I absolutely fucking hate that I don't hate it as much as I know I should.

"Hey," I nod, closing my locker and tapping my knuckles on it as we just watch each other.

"Did you hear about the roof?" he asks, smiling lightly. I shake my head, my chest rising and falling heavily. You kissed her, I want to say. You fucking kissed her, I want to remind him as I shake him by the shoulders. "They fixed the way in." I try and laugh, but we can both very clearly tell it's forced. "But obviously, your boy managed to find another way in." 

"You're not _my_ boy," I scowl before I go to walk around him, my throat closing up.

" _Baz_ , wait," he says softly, his voice wavering as he tries to grab my wrist but I dodge him and narrow my eyes.

"Fuck off, Snow," I shake my head before I turn, striding down the hall as I wipe harshly at my eyes.

Wednesday, May 4 - 09:12

"Paul? John? George? No, wait, don't tell me. Lucas?" I shake my head as the school nurse tries repeatedly to try and guess my name. She looks like she's in her mid thirties, with sun wrinkles on her face. She looks like she smiles too much. "Matteo! No, no Shay? No, Martin... _Martino_?" I just watch her as she scrunches up her nose. "No, Martino isn't an English name. Isak? No, not Isak. Then, I don't know," she shrugs, smiling lightly at me.

"Baz," I say, leaning forward in the chair. 

"Of course, Baz. I knew it," she grins, clapping her hands. This woman is way too fucking happy to be working in a high school in England. "So, what brings you here, Baz?"

"I'm having trouble sleeping," I say and frown when she just widens her eyes at me. When I don't expand she pushes her tongue into her cheek and arches an eyebrow. 

"That's it? Okay. Not tired?"

"Well, yeah, a little." She nods understandingly as I continue. "Last night I only slept for like two hours. I can't really ever sleep before four am." 

"Yes," she says. "That is tiring."

"So, I don't know-"

"No blue lights," she interrupts me. "Blue light," she repeats when she sees the confused look on my face. "You know, from screens. Tv, phones, that kind of stuff. That's what keeps young people from sleeping. So, no phone or TV before bed and you'll be fine," she grins before she goes to turn away from me.

"Um, sorry, but actually, I don't think that's it," I say as she turns back, cocking her head at me. 

"What is it, then?" she asks.

"I mean, I don't know, that's why I came," I say, scratching the back of my neck. This woman's meant to be a nurse. Why is she asking me what's wrong with me? I don't fucking know.

"Yeah, but you must have an idea, right?" When I just shrug she smiles kindly and shuffles closer to me. "What do you think about when you can't sleep?"

"Everything...nothing."

"Everything or nothing? They're not the same thing, Baz. You must know." I look down when she sighs. "You just don't want to tell me, do you?"

"It's nothing in particular," I shrug.

"I'm going to tell you something, Baz." I look up at that, and nod slowly when she arches an eyebrow. "I also struggle with talking about myself. Call it shyness, or modesty. But there's one person I can tell everything and nothing to. "It's Adam, my husband. Well, we're not married. Well, I mean I'm married, but he's not. Doesn't matter. What does is that I can tell him anything." I narrow my eyes but she doesn't seem to realise how crazy she sounds right now. "My days at work are dull, between teenage girls who think they're pregnant, teachers who come for advice because they still have acne...but I can tell Adam everything. All my dreams and realities and everything in-between. And I know I can tell him that I want to murder my brother, or just leave and run away to France because I trust him. If you only knew the relief, of having someone to talk to who knows you better than you know yourself."

I nod, and I'm pretty sure that in-between all the mental, there's some sliver of truth in her words. "Find your Adam, Baz," she says softly. "Find him."

"I'll try," I nod. _I will try._ I just pray that I have an Adam out there at all.


	16. Guru

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Look Basilton, I'm going to be real with you."

Thursday, May 5 - 3:34

Find your Adam.

As I quickly stride through the hall, racing towards the schoolyard, I pray that he hasn't left yet. Hope my Adam hasn't left yet, because I could really use someone I trust right now. As I take the stairs two at a time, I pause at a window, my heart picking up when I see him standing outside of the school gates, hands on his bike as he talks to someone, head tipped back as he laughs. I dodge people as I run down the stairs, hoping to God that he's still talking, that he hasn't gone. 

I smile against my flushed face as I watch him from across the yard, watching as he fist bumps the guy he's talking to. Okay. I can do this. Here we go, Adam.

*

"Hey."

Dev looks up, smiling brightly when he sees me standing in front of him, scratching the back of my neck. "Hey, man."

"What are...what are you guys up to tonight?" I ask, biting my bottom lip. He grins, showcasing his white teeth as he nods, trying to suppress his pretty obvious glee.

"Actually," he says, hands in his pocket. "Nobody wants to do shit. What...what about you?" he asks, cocking his head.

"Well, Emily's throwing this party at her's. But I doubt you'd be into that," I laugh lightly and when Dev laughs with me, everything instantly feels better. It's like I can breathe again, like I'm being pulled out from under water. "Nah man," he laughs, shaking his head. 

"What are you doing now?" I ask quickly, because if I don't ask it, I'm scared I never will. And the I'll never tell him what I need to desperately tell him.

"I was just gonna head home. Why?"

"You can come to mine, if you want." He looks up at me a little warily, like he doesn't now where this is going. "Pizza, beer and Fifa?" I ask, smiling lightly. There's a moment where he doesn't answer, and I think he's going to shake his head and reject me before he laughs slightly and asks me, "What were are scores again?"

"Pretty sure I'm up 53 to 47," I say instantly. Our Fifa tournament has been going on for two years, and I checked the score sheet last night, when my heart ached from the absence of my best friend.

"You're out of your fucking mind, mate," he snorts, shaking his head.

"I kicked your ass this summer," I remind him before he wraps an arm around my shoulder.

"Alright, Basilton, let's see about this 53 to 47," he says as he starts to wheel his bike in the direction of my flat. I follow after him, and even though everything a bit brighter now, my stomach's still clenching about what I'm going to tell him, and how he's going to react. But the nurse told me to find my Adam, and if there's someone I can tell everything, anything and nothing, it's Dev.

*

"What the fuck!" Dev exclaims when I score again, slouching back into the couch as he lightly chucks the controller at my head. "Fuck, Baz, you got smart."

"And another game to me," I smirk as I add another score to my side of the sheet. "Another one?" I ask as Dev shovels Wotsits into his face. 

"Yeah, yeah, fine. But I need to switch positions first," he says before he leans forward and starts messing about with his team. "Alright, let's go boys! Let's go!" he yells as we start again, his eyes trained on the screen. My throat bobs as I glance at him, my knees jolting. I can do this. It's Dev. The one person I think I actually trust. The one person I can tell anything and everything. My Adam.

"So, anyway," I start, turning back to the TV as I try not to let my voice waver. "You know when you said that thing....about not knowing what's going on with me recently?" He turns to look at me, and I can instantly see the anxiety and nerves that he's trying to hide as he nods, before he turns back, even though he keeps his eyes on me. "There's actually something I've not told you."

"What?" he asks, blinking at the screen. His voice is calm, but I can see his foot jumping up and down slightly.

"I think I fell in love," I say, my voice breaking as I think about Simon and his eyes and his smile and his jeans and colourful shirts and magic.

"With who? Sabrina?" he asks, and I can hear the disappointment in his voice when he says his name. I know Dev doesn't really like Sabrina. He called her a moany dick at least once a day before we started dating.

"No," I shake my head, laughing lightly when he misses another goal and swears under his breath. "Not Sabrina."

"Who is it then?" he asks casually, grabbing another handful of crisps as he arches an eyebrow at me.

"You haven't figured it out yet?" I fake pout when he rolls his eyes and kicks me. 

Then he shakes his head and shrugs, "I haven't been able to figure you out at all recently." I don't say anything after that, because I genuinely don't know what I'm supposed to say to that. Then he starts smirking and when I frown and ask him what's wrong, he giggles. "Is it Penny?"

" _Bunce_? What?" I ask, eyes wide as he laughs.

"What do I know? Maybe you like to play dirty in your biology lab."

"Nah, it's not Penny," I scoff, sighing when he scores and jumps up off of the couch. "Point to you," I say as I add a score next to his name. When I look up he's still standing, but he's watching me carefully. 

"I have no idea who it is," he admits sheepishly, scratching the back of his neck.

"I'll give you a hint," I say softly, motioning for him to sit back down. He does, legs in a basket as he grabs the bag of crisps from the table and places them in his lap. He's going to ruin Fiona's white couches. "It's not a girl."

And that's it. It's out there. And I can't take it back. It's out, and he knows it and I know it. He blinks before he looks up at me. I can't tell what he's thinking. He doesn't speak for a moment, looking back down at his feet before he asks, "Is it me?"

"You? What the fuck, no! No, no it's not you," I shake my head, laughing when he pouts and kicks me lightly.

"What, am I that repulsing?" he asks, grinning widely as he wipes the Wotsit dust on his school trousers.

"No, you're not repulsing, Devin, but it's not you." He nods, shrugging before he shoots me a look that seems to say your loss before he turns back to the game, but he doesn't continue playing. When I ask him why he's not playing he doesn't say anything, just stares at the screen, deep in thought that I didn't think was possible for Dev.

"Is it that guy, the one that gave you back your beanie? In the PE hall?" he asks as he lets go of his controller and looks at me. I nod, everything in my body happening too quickly. I can practically feel the blood running through my veins. "Well," Dev starts smirking as he arches an eyebrow at me, "He's fit." 

"What?" I ask, laughing as Dev starts playing again. 

"He's a handsome guy!" he protests, shrugging. "Well, fuck, what am I supposed to say, man?" he laughs, shaking his head. "So, what's the deal with you two? Are you dating?"

"Actually, he's kind of weird. He had a girlfriend, but then he told me he broke up with her. The next day, he texts me saying it's going too fast, and then I see them kissing at Sabrina's party. I'm fucking lost," I say at the same point Dev scores against me. "I mean, I don't know," Dev starts, running a hand down his face. "Maybe he's...maybe he's being a dickhead?"

"Yeah," I nod, because at this point that seems like the best explanation. Simon Snow is probably just a dickhead and I made the mistake of falling for him. Dev looks like he wants to say something else but then his phone goes. "It's Will," he says as he picks up and puts him on speaker. 

"Hey bro!" Will's metallic voice screams through Dev's phone. Will always yells when he calls. "Have you still got notes on standard deviation? Yesterday my printer fell and broke and-"

"Shit, I threw them away," Dev says to me. "Have you still got yours?"

"Yeah," I nod as Dev rolls his eyes at Wills till screeching on the other line. "Let me find them," I say as I stand up and walk over to the dining table where we threw our bags. I pull out my folders and hold up the papers to Dev, who sighs with relief and tells Will we'll send him pictures before hanging up.

"I love the guy but he is seriously crazy," Dev says but I'm not really listening to him, because I've just noticed a piece of scrap paper in my bag. I reach forward and grab it, my breaking hitching when I see it. It's a drawing of a bat and a wold holding wands and wearing capes. "What's that?" Dev asks as I turn back to him, shoving the drawing in my pocket. 

"Nothing," I shake my head, even though I'm ginning and my heart feels like it's on fire. "Are we going to finish this then?" i ask as I drop back down onto the couch.

"By the way," Dev says, ten minutes later. "He needs to dump his girlfriend. Seriously."

 

Saturday, May 7 - 12:56

As I wait outside the cafe Ezra works at, I listen to the voicemail Sarah left me that I've been putting off listening to for a day. "Hey, Baz!" Her cheery, perky and too happy voice exclaims from my phone. "One of Sabrina's friends told me, and I'm sorry if it's not true, but if it is that's super cool. I mean, it's a shame, for all us girls! But I've always wanted a gay friend to go shopping-"

I click off of her voicemail before it finishes and delete it just when Ezra walks out of the door, wearing an unapologetic bright bright pink sweater. He tilts his head and narrows his eyes at me as he leans against the wall, one ankle casually thrown against the other as he glares at me. "Look, Basilton. I'm going to be real with you. If you want to be forgiven, you can either suck my dick right here right now. Or you can buy me a iced mocha with extra whipped cream."

I smile when he grins down at me, eyes dancing. "Iced mocha withe extra whipped cream it is," I nod as I follow him into the cafe. We don't speak until we sit down with our drinks. An iced mocha with a fuck ton of cream for him and a black coffee for me. "God, Baz. I accepted your apology, holy smokes!" Ezra sighs shaking his head when I start speak first, and ask him if I can ask a question. "I get why you said what you said." 

"I mean, I am... really sorry that is. But that's not it. I need some advice," I say as I watch him sip his cream. I crinkle my nose, his drink looks so manky.

"From me?" Ezra grins, arching an eyebrow as he leans closer. I nod, slowly regretting this. "Okay, okay. You want advice from _moi_? Because you trust me?" he asks, grinning. "And look up to me?"

"Yes," I grin, shaking my head even though I'm grinning. It feels really good to have Ezra being Ezra again.

"Because I am your guru?"

"Sure," I shrug, tapping my feet impatiently on the floor.

"Say it," he says, sipping dramatically on his paper straw. "Say Ezra is my guru."

"Fuck this," I shake my head, bending down to grab my bag as Ezra chants say it, say it. "No. No. It's fine, we can drop this."

"Fine, fine. Baz, Baz, Baz," Ezra pleads as he tugs me back into my seat. "Fine. _Fine_. What is your question?"

"You know that guy. Simon?"

"Yes, what about him?"

"He said he would break up with his girlfriend," I say quietly. "And then suddenly he says things are going to fast, and then he's together with his girlfriend again." I blink as Simon and Agatha appears in my mind. "And then he gives me a drawing,” I murmur as I run my fingers over the folded paper in my jacket pocket. Yes, it’s arguably sad and pathetic to keep it with me but that pretty much sums me up. “And I’m like okay, cool, so I text him ‘thanks for the drawing,’ and he never replied,” I look up at Ezra and when I see his worried face I laugh, trying to sound fine and casual but I just look a little scared.

"But he has a girlfriend?” Ezra asks tentatively. I debate saying no, because Simon did say they were on a break. But then again, you don't really go around pulling people you're on a break with. So I just look down at my coffee and nod silently. "Okay," Ezra says slowly. "And how long have they been together?"

"Like four years," I say, blinking up at him as I recount asking Simon about it that weekend we spent together. We only talked about it for a couple of minutes before he screwed his face up and just started kissing me. "Okay..." Ezra laughs awkwardly, drawing out the syllables.

"That's not great, is it?" I say, looking him in the eye as I bite my bottom lip.

"Well, I mean..." he trails off, looking away and shaking his head before he sighs and looks back. "How honest do you want me to be here, Baz?"

"Maybe not too honest?" I whisper, his expression scaring me. I don't know what I'm going to do if Simon never leaves Agatha. If he chooses her over me. Because I'm pretty fucking sure I'm in love with him. Not only in love. I think I'm only alive for Simon Snow. Everything was utter piss before I met him. I don't know what the point in anything will be if he doesn't choose me. I frown when Ezra arches an eyebrow at me. "No, okay, fuck it. Give it to me straight."

He nods before he starts speaking, throwing me an apologetic look, like I'm a lamb he's about to slaughter. "I know a lot of guys in heterosexual relationships who sleep with other guys. It's pretty common, but..." he trails off, his throat bobbing as he tries to smile empathetically at me. "Not a lot of them leave their girlfriends to be with a guy." I glance away quickly, leaning my head on my hands. I can feel the maddening tears that threaten to fall. "But I mean obviously, that's just my advice. That's just my opinion. My guru advice, sort of. I mean, I'm not Buddha. Or...I'm not God, exactly." I nod as I push my hair back, leaning forward in the chair when the barista comes to take away our finished mugs. "So, was that...was that helpful...or?"

I try to smile up at Ezra, but my lip just wobbles and I shake my head. "Baz," Ezra calls after me when I stand up, grab my bag and walk quickly out of the cafe, pulling the drawing out from my pocket. I glare at it after I collapse against the back wall of the cafe. "Are you the bat?" I glance up at Ezra and nod slowly before I let the paper fall onto the damp ground and watch as it sinks into a puddle on the road.

"It's all his fucking fault!" I manage to bark out, dropping down onto the pavement. "Everyday in school, people watch me, and whisper about me and _laugh_. Everyone's always giggling in the corridor when I walk past alone, all because of some fucking guy who forced me to deal with it. Who's now out there fucking his girlfriend. He doesn't give a shit about me," I whisper as Ezra bends down next to me and places a hand on my shoulder. 

"Okay," Ezra nods as I desperately try and hold back the angry tears that threaten to betray me. "Let's not talk about Simon for now, Baz. Sometimes the way people react like assholes is frustrating. You're going to spend your life telling people you're gay. Or dropping 'my boyfriend' into conversation just because. Sometimes it goes well, sometimes it takes a few days, or a few months for people to be cool with it. Sometimes they never get it. That's not your fault, Baz. Not your fault. That's on them."

"I never should have kissed him," I breathe shakily. "Simon doesn't give a fuck about me. He doesn't care."

"You have reasons to be pissed at Simon," Ezra nods. "But you're not gay because of him. I'm not saying he didn't make things go faster, but it was bound to happen one day, right? When you met another guy and fell in love?" When I don't reply, Ezra gently nudges my face up so I look at him. "Baz, a closet is dark, it's narrow and it stinks. There is no benefit of going back there. So be fucking proud!" he smiles as he wipes away my tears with his knuckles. "Live your fucking life, Baz! And those who judge you or have a problem with that... _fuck them_ ," he breathes, and I watch as a tear falls down his own cheek. "They can go fuck themselves, okay?"

I nod and laugh hoarsely when he wraps his arms around me. "Thanks," I whisper, grinning when he just hugs me tighter.

"I'm such a good fucking guru," he murmurs into my shoulder as I sniff and wipe my damp face on his sweater. 

"The best."


	17. Homophobe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Because he's gay, apparently."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so so sorry this is so late, I've had a shit ton of exams and it was my birthday so this is the first time I've had a chance to upload this :)
> 
> sorry in advance cause this chapter is a lot of dialogue and it's not very good but here we go

Tuesday, May 10 - 13:39

"I mean the exam was fine, I guess," I shrug as me and Dev walk up the stairs, Dev chewing on his second Subway of the day.

"You would've found it easier if you'd studied," Dev grins through his mouthful of Hearty Italian bread. "Are you sure about this pre-game, mate?" he asks me, his face turning serious as he arches an eyebrow.

"Yeah, of course. I owe you guys."

"Well, I'm buzzing. It's been too long since we've all gotten drunk together." I go to laugh and point out that Dev only studied the day before when Sam Lawson and his mates walk past and snicker, Sam whispering something that sounds a lot like 'gaylord'. Normally, I can come up with hilarious and witty insults when someone tries to insult me, but this is a whole new type of insult. Instead of punching him, or reminding him that he cried in his girlfriend's bathroom at her party after she dumped him in front of our whole year, I just freeze up on the step as they push past me and Dev. So I guess everyone knows now. I guess this is a thing now. 

After they walk past, still snickering and laughing, I blink and almost fall off the step from fury and embarrassment and sheer shock before Dev tugs me back. "Hey, dickhead!" Dev shouts, leaning over the banister to yell at Sam. "What the fuck are you laughing at, you prick?" I feel myself blush as I look down and lightly tug on Dev's blazer. "Did you finally realise your dick's five inches too short? Come up here and I'll fucking deck you," Dev snarls, waving his Subway around erratically. 

"Leave it," I murmur as Dev keeps glaring as Sam and his mates pause to stare up at him. "Please," I whisper. "Just leave it, Dev." When he looks down and sees my face, his own softens and he nods slowly before he lets me lead him towards Niall and Will, even though he manages to throw up one last middle finger. As we enter the common room, I can still feel the rage waving off of Dev, even though he's slapped a forced grin on his face. "Hey Baz." I blink when two Year Thirteen girls smile at me as we walk in and they walk out. I'm pretty sure they're popular and cool, but I'm also pretty sure that I've never talked to them before. No, I've definitely never spoken to them before.

"Who were they?" Dev asks, frowning as we wander over to our friends.

"I don't know," I admit, glancing behind me as I walk the two girls walk out. What the fuck is happening? Will and Niall are dancing and rapping along to Stormzy as we walk up to our table, Will doing some sort of interpret dance with his hands as he sits on the table top and Niall bopping his head and badly rapping along. "What's up?" Dev says as he mock hits Will over the head as he dances. I sit down next to Dev after me and Niall awkwardly smile at each other before he goes back to staring at the ground.

"I've found my song, guys," Will sings, frowning when Dev reaches over and turns the song off. 

"Yeah, well keep it to yourself," Dev sighs after offering Niall the rest of his Subway. "You're a shit singer, Will." Will goes to object, his mouth falling open in protest but Niall speaks first, lightly elbowing Will out of the way. "So, what's up?"

"Nothing," Dev shrugs before he glances at me quickly. "Baz was thinking about having a pregame at his on Friday."

"Je suis tellement en," Will nods, clapping his hands.

"Why are you speaking French?" I ask, and even though this is all casual, I'm feeling better than I have in a while. I really missed Will's dumbass bullshit.

"My speaking exam is in six days," he tells me. "And if I fail Monsieur Lallemant will fucking have my head, man."

"So we're all going, right?" Dev cuts in, not so subtly staring at Niall with folded arms and arched eyebrows. "To Baz's. We're all going to go and have fun, right?" Niall doesn't say anything, and just frowns back at Dev, narrowing his eyes as he tries his best to avoid eye contact with me.

"Promise I won't punch you," I add in, laughing pretty awkwardly. 

"Okay man," Niall nods, smiling widely as he kicks my leg (I'm pretty sure it's meant to be affectionate) and nods. "I'm down."

"Hug," Will says and when me and Niall just stare at him he starts chanting it. And much to my embarasment, Dev joins in and suddenly the two of them are saying hug over and over again as they clap their hands. Niall rolls his eyes but he throws his small, weedy, freckly arms around me anyway and hugs me tightly. "I'm sorry," I murmur to him as I hug him back.

"Me too, man. Me too," he nods and when we pull apart Will whoops, punching the air. Then his face falls and he gasps dramatically. "What?" Niall asks, frowning at Will. "I completely forgot to say. You know there's a crazy rumour going around that you two fought at Sabrina because Baz's _gay_?" I freeze and I feel Dev still beside me. "What?" Niall snorts.

"It's fucking hilarious! You haven't heard?" My throat bobs as I watch Will laugh. I look down, training my eyes on my hands on my lap, blinking. A million thoughts race through my head but I can't catch onto any of them.

"Wait, _why_ were we fighting?"

"Because he's gay, apparently," Will shrugs, still laughing. I look up to catch Dev scowling at Will, who's completely inept at social cues.

"Why would we fight about that?"

"I don't know?" Will frowns. "Cause people think you're a homophobic dickhead?"

"I am not homophobic!" Niall objects, narrowing his eyes as he elbows Will.

"I know! It's the fucking funniest shit."

"It's hilarious that the whole school thinks I'm a homophobe?" 

"Maybe not that part. But it's hilarious that people think Baz's gay."

"You told them it was bullshit, right?"

"Yeah, don't think they believed me though."

"But we weren't really fighting, were we Baz?"

"Fucking relax man, it's just a rumour, okay? Chill." After he's finished speaking he sighs dramatically before he looks at me and Dev, who aren't speaking. I look away from him and look to Dev for help but he just shrugs, smiling slightly as if to say it's my choice.

"Ugh, guys..." I say calmly as I look at Niall and Will. "Do you remember when we we saw those dancing girls?"

"Mate, I see them everytime I close my eyes," Niall nods, smiling when Will nods in agreement. 

"Fuck, they were hot," Will sighs, leaning back. I frown as I listen to them, annoyed that they're being so vexing and relieved that maybe they'll forget I was talking in the first place. But after a couple of minutes they stop and turn back to me, silent and waiting. 

"Yeah sure," I nod. "But do you remember when that guy came up to us?" I ask slowly, licking my lips.

"The gay guy?" Will asks, tilting his head. 

"Why do you think he's gay?" I ask quickly, tapping my fingers nervously on my knee.

"You're the one who said he was gay?" Will asks, furrowing his eyebrows.

"What?" I ask, before I remember who he's talking about. "No...no, the other guy who came over." I look up to see Niall and Will's confused faces.

"Yeah, I guess," Will shrugs. "What about him?" Suddenly my chest gets heavy and I look over at Dev desperately as my breathing speeds up. Dev smiles lightly and nods and that makes some of the pain in my stomach fade away. I look back at Niall and Will who are waiting expectantly as I inhale and exhale quickly. I can do this. They're my friends. One. Two. Three.

"We had a thing," I say quickly, not really breathing as I speak. They don't say anything for a moment, Niall just stares at me with wide eyes and Will's grinning like I'm joking. "A thing?" he asks, laughing lightly as he watches me.

"A thing," I nod, my voice wavering slightly. 

"Holy fuck, are you gay?" Will asks, his laughing instantly gone as he stares at me. 

"I'm not gay," I say instinctively. "Okay, maybe I'm a little bit gay then, but it's not like..." I trail off, not really knowing how to explain this rationally to these two. "I'm not into you guys. It's not like I'm attracted to every single guy I see."

"But..." Will starts, his hands in his hair as he looks around, his face a cast of confusion. "But you're hooking up with girls every weekend?"

"He could be pansexual," Niall offers. 

"What's pansexual?" Will asks, furrowing his eyebrows as he turns to Niall.

"When you like both."

"Nah, that's bisexual."

"Look, it doesn't matter," Dev cuts in. "He says we can have a pre-party on Friday."

"Awesome," Niall nods.

"Might mean there's more chicks for us, now that you suddenly became gay." I snort but Will doesn't even catch it before he asks, "Wait, wait, Baz?"

"Yes, William?" I ask, arching an eyebrow.

"Does this mean I can ask out Sabrina?" Despite myself, and despite what just happened I burst out into laughter.

"Out of everything I just told you, that's the only thing you care about?" I laugh as Dev and Niall giggle. Will just shrugs, nodding innocently. "Okay man, you can hit on Sabrina." Will's face lights up before Niall claps his back, grinning. "She is not into you, mate," he laughs, shaking his head.

"That's what you think," Will says, pushing Niall lightly. As the two of them bicker, I turn to Dev, smiling when he grins brightly, throwing an arm around a shoulder and hugging me tighltly.

"I'm proud of you, Baz." My heart swells as a light finally shines for once as my best mates smile at me. Suddenly, it's like I'm breathing again. 

Thursday, May 12 - 14:24

I sigh as I stand arms folded, staring at my locker. I'm just going to have to fucking smash it in with a hammer or something. One last try, I tell myself as I take a deep breath in and lightly pull. And then it opens. Just like that. I blink as I let out a deep sigh, leaning against the locker. Thank Christ it's fixed itself.

Then when I'm about to put my Biology folder away, I notice a piece of paper folded up inside. I take it out, frowning as I unfold it. Then my heart stumbles slightly. It's another drawing. I clench my jaw as I trace Simon's ink with my fingers. It's two drawings. One's a phone, with an unanswered text. My text, that I last sent him. The other drawing is of the same text, but it's been answered.

_Glad you liked the drawing. Put it in your bag when you had gym. I miss you. I miss you a lot. So much it hurts sometimes._

My throat bobs as I look away from it, folding it back and placing it in my blazer before I close my locker. For the rest of the day I keep running my thumb over the small piece of love in my pocket.

Friday, May 13 - 23:21

I sit back down next to Dev after handing out the next round of beers, leaning back into the couch. _I miss you._

"Mate, Matteo is definitely wanting to scrap, you don't understand," Will says, shaking his head. "And I'll scrap him if he wants. I'd fucking wreck that pillock." I try and listen to them as I sip on my beer but my mind just keeps returning to lean chests peppered with moles, bright blue eyes, skin against skin, heart against heart, magic, bronze curls and-

"You good, man?" I blink as I look up at Dev who's watching me carefully.

"Oh yeah, I'm fine," I nod, sitting up and trying to make more of an effort to listen to them, but Will and Niall are both staring at me too. 

"Anything new with that Simon guy?" Dev asks.

"No," I shake my head. "Or well, I got a drawing from him," I shrug.

"A new draw- what the fuck is his deal?" Dev frowns, his nose crinkling.

"I don't know," I admit, shrugging as I pull the blanket off of Will and around my shoulders.

"What's going on between you two?" Niall asks, cocking his head as he eats from the pizza box on his lap.

"Nothing really. He has a girlfriend," I say through gritted teeth, images of the two of them kissing flashing painfully in my mind.

"So he is also pansexual?" Will asks, furrowing his eyebrow. Will still doesn't really get this whole not only liking girls thing. He's trying, and I'm glad he is, but he's a bit slow with this stuff. I shrug, sighing as I lean into Dev as he drinks his beer. "So," Will starts, arching an eyebrow at me. "I've got a question. Sorry if it's rude or that. But I was just wondering, gay guys, when they have sex...who's the man and who's the woman?" 

Niall laughs as he shakes his head in his hands, and Dev literally facepalms as he groans, "Man, fuck!"

"What!" Will protests.

"That's funny," I nod, "Because actually, I was wondering the same thing." I grin when Will frowns, confused. "Who's the woman and who's the man when you have sex?" He frowns, tying to suppress a grin as Dev and Niall laugh. "But then I remembered you're a massive fucking virgin," I smirk, laughing as Will shakes his head, leaning back in his chair as he covers his face with his hands. 

"Was it really a shitty question?" Will asks apologetically when Niall and Dev have stopped laughing. "I was just curious," he shrugs before Dev turns to me.

"I think you're letting Simon play you."

"Playing me?" I object, frowning as I hug the pillow to my chest.

"Yeah, I mean, he keeps his going , and then nothing ever happens. And he's still with his girlfriend," he adds, arching an eyebrow at me.

"Maybe. But it's not like I can control what he does," I say, fiddling with the blanket.

"Sure you can," he shrugs. "If you just...like completely straight up, just send him a message like, _yo_ ,  _dude, fuck this shit_!" he says as Will and Niall nod along in agreement.

 _"Yo_ ,  _dude, fuck this shit?_ " I repeat, grinning as I arch an eyebrow at him. 

"Okay, maybe not word for word," he nods, rolling his eyes. "How about, don't text me. Call me when you've broken up with your girlfriend?"

"Yeah, if he really likes you he'll feel the pressure," Niall says before he leans forward, grabbing another beer from the coffee table, nearly knocking over my Corona. I grab it before it spills, and Niall cringes apologetically. Thank fuck Fiona's at Nico's. Will's spilt his drinks and Doritos like three times already.

"Exactly!" Dev nods, scratching his ankle as he leans further into the couch. "Like if you've got something going on with a girl, or you if just wanna hook up with her, but you don't want a like proper relationship, and she texts you like; _What's going on? I'm tired of you not being serious, let's meet._ Then it immediately becomes serious!" Dev's talking like he's a teacher and I'm the student who has an exam in a week and is close to failing. I guess, I don't really know, I've never failed a test.

"You're really put on the spot," Will says - as if a girl has ever texted him.

"Yeah, and you don't fuck with her after that," Niall says as he scrolls on his phone, looking up to smile at me as he offers me a slice of the pizza. I shake my head, my stomach too tense to eat. 

"It's worse if she doesn't answer, or like it says she saw it an hour ago..." The three of them continue to talk about girls as I stand up, going to get another beer when my eyes fall on my phone, lying on the kitchen island. Gulping, I pick it up, turn it on and click onto Simon's texts. I can do this. Just text him. Straight up. Just like Dev said. And Dev gets loads of girls. A lot more girls than I have anyone. Okay. This is fine.

**Baz: 14:32 - Hey, thanks for the drawing, but if you're not interested in something more we can just stop this now. Call me when you've broken up with your girlfriend.**

"I only talk to the finest ladies-" I turn around on my heels when I click send and stare at my friends for a moment before I interrupt Will's bullshit.

"I sent it," I say as I sit back down. "I sent the text."

"You did?" Dev laughs, half shocked half proud as he nods, wrapping an arm around me and hugging me. "Well done, man," he laughs and Will and Niall clap. "Cheers!" Will grins widely, clinking his beer bottle against Niall's. "Bros!" Niall giggles, already pretty pissed before he tries to down the rest of his beer.

"Brothers," Dev nods, smiling happily. Then my phone goes and everyone stares at me. "Is it him?" Dev asks, eyebrows arched.

"He answered," I say softly, surprised as I look at his text.

"What are you doing? Can we talk?" I read out his text, biting my bottom lip as I blink at my phone. All of them just laugh and grin, cheering as I start to panic. "What am I meant to reply?" I ask, desperately as I widen my eyes at them all. "Call him," Will shrugs.

" _No_!" Dev objects before I can click call. "Don't fucking call him," he says, narrowing his eyes at Will who just shrugs again. "Write, uh...chilling at home."

"Chilling at home?" I repeat, looking at them all as my phone weighs heavy in my hands.

"Yes, yes," Niall nods seriously. "That's good. Send that."

"Chilling at home..." I say as I type it out, wetting my lips. "Just call me," I go to type when Dev groans in frustration.

"No! Baz," Dev shakes his head. "You want him to call, but like...you've got to write it as if you don't want him to. Get it?" I stare at him blankly so he shakes his head, "Just write, chilling at home, and then you're done."

" _Chilling at home_ ," I nod. "Okay. Okay," I nod as I delete the call me part. "Chilling at home. Emoji?" I ask, looking up at Dev who's frowning at me like this should be easy. "No! _Chilling at home._ Done! Zero feelings. Totally straight up!"

I nod as I click send, leaning back into the cushions as I pinch my nose. "Sent," I sigh.

"He'll call," Dev shrugs, like he's a hundred percent sure. Then we all sit in silence for a moment, staring at my phone on the coffee table. Will's hugging a cushion to his chest, picking crisps out if his teeth. Niall's slowly sipping his beer as he slouches into the couch, arching his eyebrows at the blank phone. Dev's sitting up straight , knee jolting as he glares at the phone, as if with each passing moment it doesn't ring, it's beating me up and he's defending me. And I'm just sighing, head leaned back as I squeeze my eyes shut as the phone. Doesn't. Fucking. Ring.

"Check if there's a typing bubble," Will finally says, nodding at me. I pick up my phone and shake my head before I put it back down. 

"Nothing," I shrug. "He's not going to answer. That's just the way he is," I say softly, shrugging as I look down.

"Maybe he's in a tunnel or a funeral, somewhere he can't answer," Niall offers, smiling softly, as if any funeral would take place at eleven at night on a Friday. But I appreciate the thought. "Maybe," I nod, running my tongue over my teeth. Then we spend another moment in silence before Will says, "This beer was shit."

"What were you drinking?" Dev asks him.

"This bottle. It tasted like...plastic or something."

"Was it over-fermented?" Dev asks, grinning at himself for using a word that has more than five letters.

"Maybe," Will shrugs as they continue desperately trying to make small talk so I don't stab myself in the fucking gut as I glare at my phone.

"There's this guy I know, who knows a guy-" Dev starts but Will interrupts him with a shitty joke.

"Who knows another guy?"

Dev rolls his eyes before he shakes his head. "No, no, he just knows a guy. And he told me that someone had put yeast in an apple juice box in his locker, to make beer. Isn't that crazy?"

"At school?" Niall asks unbelievingly. Dev just nods, frowning as he sips his beer. "They must've smelled like shit at school."

"Yeah, that's what they said," Dev says, smiling. "It smelled like actual crap."

"Maybe he wanted to get pissed at school," Will says, crinkling his nose.

"Probably," Dev nods before the bell goes. I sigh, because who the actual fucking is ringing my door right now? It's probably one of Fiona's mates, I think as I stand up and walk over to the window. "Did you invite other people?" Dev asks as I push up off of the couch.

"No, you are the only friends I have," I snap, before my face softens. It's not my friends' fault that Simon isn't replying. "It's probably Fiona or someone," I shrug, making my way over to the window, pushing the curtain out of the way as I peer out into the darkness. Fuck. Shitting fuck. Fucking hell. 

Dev arches an eyebrow as I turn back towards him, my chest rising and falling heavily.

"It's Simon."


	18. Paradise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I want you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay so there's some smut in the first part of this chapter so if you're not about that you can skip to the second half.

Friday, May 13 - 23:39

He's leaning against the wall, kicking the gravel. He's wearing a sweater that's too big for him, his hair's messy and I'm pretty sure he's wearing two different types of shoes. Fuck. He's so beautiful. I lean back when he looks up in my direction, shaking slightly as I turn to my friends.

"You're fucking kidding," Niall says, grinning widely as Dev and Will cheer. But then when I just shake my head, my eyes wide as I shiver. "Seriously?" Niall asks, looking to Dev. "He's here?"

"I'm not fucking around," I bark out, pointing a shaking finger to the window. "It's Simon."

"Simon!" Dev cheers, clapping his hands as he starts dancing slightly, laughing hoarsely.

"Simon Snow! Simon Snow!" Will laughs gleefully. "We get to meet Simon! Yay!" he giggles, jumping up from his chair before he tries to peer out of the window. "Let's meet Simon Snow!" I scowl as I block my arm out and lightly push him away. "No!" I object leading him away. "I'm not dicking around, guys!"

"Why can't we meet Simon?" Will pouts as I push him out of the kitchen before turning back to Dev and Niall in the kitchen. 

"Out," I say but when Niall and Dev stay sitting down, laughing and cheering for Simon. I groan, "Out! Out! Out!" Niall and Dev stand up, both of them holding their beers as they start searching for their things, and pulling their jackets on. "Why can't we meet Simon?" Will asks from the living room.

"You can't meet him, what the fuck are you saying?" I ask, narrowing my eyes as I call my hands to hurry them up.

"Have you seen my phone?" Niall asks as I'm pushing shoving Dev out of the room. 

"Why the fuck would I have your phone?" I hiss as I try and gather all the beers up and pass them to Niall who's running around looking for his phone. "Finish your beer outside, you've got a party to go to, man," I say to Dev who's leaning against the counter, sipping his beer and smirking as he watches us all run around like idiots. "It's fucking freezing," Will hisses as he makes his way towards the door. I swear when he tries to turn the handle before I shout at him, dragging him towards the back door. "You can't fucking meet him. He can't see you, you have to leave through the back door!"

"What about our shoes?" Will asks as the three of them make their way towards the back door. "My shoes are at the other-"

"I'll get your fucking shoes," I say as Niall chants, go go go go, over and over again.

"Shoes! Shoes!" Will shouts as I run towards the front door to grab their shoes.

"Baz, I'm going to need my shoes now, buddy!" Dev calls. I'm panting as I reach them, handing them their shoes as Dev swears under his breath.

"Just put them on!" I shout as they kick on their Adidas trainers and Converse, almost topping over each other. I stand against the wall as I watch them fuss about, not sure I'm breathing. 

"Let's get out of here," Dev says as him and Niall stumble out of the door, the cold, night air hitting me harshly. "These aren't even my shoes," Will shouts, angry as he tries to pull Niall's shoes off of his feet. "Niall, you dick, those are my shoes!" Will frowns as Dev pulls him outside. Once they're out, Dev grins at me and winks before I shut the door behind them, leaning against it slightly. I frown when I catch a glimpse of my reflection in the mirror. I've obviously not just been _chilling at home_. I'm wearing one of Dev's nice shirts and clean jeans and suddenly I'm overwhelmed with the realisation of what's happening.

Then the bell rings.

He's here. I blink as I look straight forward, my eyes latching onto the front door. He's on the other side. We're so close. Simon's here. 

I push myself up from the back door and walk towards Simon, my legs feeling like lead. Breathe, Baz. Breathe. I take a deep breath in and exhale before I pull open the door, revealing Simon leaning against the door, playing with his sleeve. When he sees me, he stands up straight, blinking as he watches me. "Hey," I say sounding a lot calmer than I feel.

"Hey," he repeats, biting his bottom lip. He looks away, eyes staring furiously at the ground. He's right here, right in front of me. The boy that's fucked everything up. The boy that's changed everything. The boy I fell in love with. He sighs slightly and looks up at me, his blonde curls hanging in his face as he opens his mouth to say something, but then he shuts it, running his tongue over his teeth. Before he can say anything. Before he can either save this or ruin this, I take a step forward quickly. I'm free falling, adrenaline pumping through my veins as I reach for him, everything in me is screaming for him. 

Our lips finally connect in a kiss so full of longing that I can feel it in his _heart._

I want to memorise it all. The warmth and cold coming together as Simon's hands cup my face gently and my own hands reach up to pull him closer to me. I need to remember _everything_. The slow movements of our bodies as I slowly lead Simon towards my room, lips only breaking apart to heave for air to breathe before diving back into the pleasure of each other. The pressure of my body against Simon's as he leans against the wall and pulls me in to cover him in heat and kisses and breathe and skin and hands and kisses. But more than anything, I need to remember the look in Simon's blue eyes when we break apart momentarily, the way Simon really _sees me_ , the way we really see each other, eyes searching, asking, _is this okay? Are we okay?_

Yes, we probably should be talking right now instead. I should probably demand answers, tell him he's a dickhead and he needs to fucking explain himself _now_. But somehow I enjoy the weight of this all, the gravitational pull between us. I can’t bring myself to care about anything else right now. Nothing else matters apart from how desperately I need Simon. He kisses my neck, pausing briefly to help me tug my (Dev's) shirt off, grinning brightly, cheeks flushed before he pulls his own off. I reach up, hands in his hair as I push my lips desperately against his.

I can feel Simon's bare chest firmly against mine and the warmth of his skin as he pulls me closer. I need him. I need Simon. I let my mouth wander down over Simon's jaw to his neck. My lips and tongue pressing into Simon's heartbeat as I feel Simon lean into me too, pull at me, the soft grind of Simon's hips bucking up against me. Sending fire through my veins. Magic. He's magic. This is magic. We're magic. Simon's lips on my neck make everything go faster and slower, make everything disappear as I drop to my knees.

I pause for a moment, gazing up at Simon, making sure I'm still with him. That this is okay.

_Is this okay?_

Simon smiles down at me in response. A warm curious smile, almost like he’s in awe, and it’s every answer I've ever needed. This is everything I've ever needed.

I feel Simon sigh deeply when I finally take him into my mouth, trembling fingers coming down to twist in my hair. I think I could do this forever. I steal a glance up at Simon and the smile never leaving his lips, only now accompanied by a slight frown that deepens with the speeding of his breath and the increasing tension in his muscles and I can’t think of a sight more beautiful than this.

When Simon comes, it’s like the world stops spinning for a moment. I just want to take it all in and I can’t decide what I love most. Simon's fingers curl tightly in my hair as all his muscles tense, almost like they’re trying to hold onto the feeling, to savour it. He pulls me up on my feet to kiss me deeply, practically dragging me into my room, shutting the door with his foot before he pushes me onto my bed, following quickly.

Simon's here. Simon's with me.

Simon.

Saturday, May 14 - 10:23

When I wake up, I reach my arm out, expecting to see Simon lying next to me. I'm hit with serious deja vu when I sit up and see that he's gone.

I sigh and rummage around the bed to see if he's left another note, but there's nothing at all. Nothing. 

Frowning, I sit up straight, back against the headboard as I look around the empty room, patting the side of the bed where Simon had been. I sigh as I shut my eyes tightly and remember the feel of Simon everywhere. His hands in my hair, his lips, his teeth, his chest, his legs. I scowl as my eyes flash open when my phone beeps. I can't believe he left again. Dickhead. My heart falls when I see the text's from my dad, and not from Simon. He really did leave without saying anything again.

**Dad: 12:17 - Basilton, we'd love for you to have dinner with us sometime.**

I groan as I turn my phone off and go to fall back onto the mattress when I hear a small crash, followed by a trail of colourful swears. Fiona must be back, I think as I get up, pulling on sweatpants before I quickly open my door and make my way to the kitchen. I frown when I pass the hall, seeing that Fiona's shoes aren't there. Maybe she took them into her room. But then I see Simon standing in the kitchen, holding a jar of jam. He's put Fiona's radio on and he's swaying to some song as he puts the jam back into the fridge. I watch, frozen and confused as he flips bacon and sausages in a pan. He's wearing my clothes; a hideous orange jumper from the football team last year and sweatpants that are too long for him. He sees me when he spins around and a massive grin blossoms on his face.

"Hi," he grins as he walks over to me and plants a kiss on my forehead. "You're awake," he says as he turns back to the food he's preparing. "I don't know what you like, so I just made everything." When I don't answer, he turns around, frowning as he asks softly, "Are you okay?"

I look up at him from under my eyelashes as I lean against the kitchen counter. "I thought you'd left, this morning," I say, looking away.

"Well, no," he shrugs, smiling. "See, I'm here," he says, gesturing to himself before he turns back to the oven. "I think I fucked up the eggs, I don't really know how to-"

"No, what I mean is," I start, cutting him off. "I thought you left like the other time...with Agatha." He slowly turns to face me.

"Baz," he starts, walking over to me. "I mean, I wouldn't do that. Me and Agatha aren't together anymore."

"Stop it," I breathe, shaking my head as I look away from him, pushing my tongue into my cheek. "Last time you said that, i found you with your tongue in her mouth at Sabrina's." He nods, walking closer to me before he plants his hands on my shoulders. "Agatha knows me better than I know myself. For a moment, she made me think that we had to get back together. And you didn't seem...I don't know, I freaked out," he says, tapping his fingers gently against my neck. "Why?" I ask, arching an eyebrow at him.

"Because I thought...I thought you wouldn't want me," he says, looking away. 

"But I do want you," I protest, tugging him closer to me. He laughs lightly, throwing his arms around me as he pushes his lips against mine. "I want you," I repeat, my hands cupping his face.

"Good, cause I'm not going anywhere anytime soon," he grins, about to kiss me when he moves back, gasping. I groan, and reach out to pull him back but he's turning to the radio and putting the volume up. "I love this song," he laughs as he starts nodding his head.

"Huh?" I frown as he grabs my hands and tries to make me dance.

"Coldplay," he laughs as Paradise starts belting out from the radio.

"Are you kidding?" I ask, arching an eyebrow. I cannot believe he likes Coldplay - the shittest band of all time.

"No," he frowns, offended as he dances slowly around the kitchen. 

"That is disgusting," I crinkle my nose and shake my head as he wanders over to me, still bopping his head to the music. "It's like that stupid meme."

"What meme?" he frowns, still fucking dancing to Paradise as he tugs me closer to him. 

"When you've found the man of your dreams and it turns out he likes _Coldplay_!" I snort, rolling my eyes. "It's so shit."

"Am I the man of your dreams?" he asks, arching his eyebrows, grinning brightly, showing his white teeth. "Really? Are you talking about me?"

I frown, even though I'm actually smiling in the inside. "That's how the meme goes, you know that," I object.

"Uhm, no," Simon shakes his head, pointing his finger at my chest. "You said I was the man of your dreams." I shake my head, giving a huff of amusement before he pushes his lips against mine hungrily, he tastes like bacon and raspberry jam. "Say it again," he breathes, forehead against mine.

"Hm?" I breathe, eyes still shut as he kisses me again, his hands on my neck.

"Say it again," he repeats, when I open my eyes, nudging my nose with his.

"You're the man of my dreams."


	19. It's Simon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Hello? Yeah, this is Baz. I need your help."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay guys saddle in, cause this is a long af chapter. sorry bout that if long chapters aren't your thing, but I just couldn't cut it off

Tuesday, May 17 - 14:28

I'm sitting in the Biology classroom, trying desperately to finish the assignment that I completely forgot to do when my phone starts ringing. I look down and when I see it's my father, I click decline and turn back to my laptop. I stare at the word photosynthesis for a moment before my phone beeps. Frowning, I look down at it. Why can't he just fuck off. i don't want to speak to him and I know he doesn't want to speak to me. It's probably just Daphne trying to force him to reconnect with his song that he's forgotten about for two years. 

**Dad: 14:29 - Why are you ignoring my calls? I've been trying to reach you for days, Basil.**

**Baz: 14:30 - I'm in class, just text me**

**Dad: 14:30 - Alright. I just wanted to know if you're coming for dinner next week?**

I blink down at the screen, smiling when a text from Simon pops up. It's a picture of him and some dog that he's found. He's grinning up at me through the screen, his bronze curls blowing inn the obvious wind. The dog's licking his face and Simon looks like he's laughing. Fuck me, this boy. I don't reply to him first though, and instead text my dad back.

**Baz: 14:31 - Okay I'll come.**

**Baz: 14:31 - But I'm bringing Simon, he's my boyfriend.**

I breathe out after clicking send. I hadn't even realised I'd been holding my breath. As I'm texting Simon back, Penny drops down into the seat next to me, smiling brightly. "Forgot to do the assignment?" she smiles softly as she gets her own books out, arching an eyebrow at me laptop. "Yep," I nod, clicking my tongue as I put my phone down and continue typing. I _had_ meant to finish the essay this weekend, but then I kept getting distracted by Simon and his eyes and his hands and his mouth. 

"Did you see that link I sent you?" she asks. I shake my head as I quickly copy and paste a paragraph from Wikipedia. I basically cut myself off from the world this weekend, not necessarily on purpose, but it's hard to check Instagram and Facebook when Simon Snow is in the same empty apartment as you, luring you in like an open fire. "What was it?"

"It was just a link to some article," she shrugs and when I look up she's fidgeting. Penny doesn't fidget.

" _Okay_ ," I nod, dragging the word out, "But what was it _about_?" She looks away from me sheepishly, shrugging as she runs her tongue over her teeth.

"Just some...research into evolution," she says. "And homosexuality." I freeze slightly, and just nod before I continue typing. "I was just think about the conversation we had a while ago, and...although I'm very seldom wrong, I think that in this instance, turns out I was...wrong, that it." I stop typing and look at her, leaning back in my chair as I fold my arms. "Because actually, homosexuality has...well, it's had a natural function in evolution, and there's a lot of interesting research about it," she says, biting her lip as she watches me. I smile, looking back at my laptop as she says, "So I was...I was wrong." She laughs slightly, smiling awkwardly before she opens her Biology notes.

"What about...Islam, then?" I ask, glancing up at her. "Anything new...or interesting to report?" She turns to look at me, face still as I ask, "Or is it still the same?"

"Islam says the same thing as always," she say, tilting her head. "That all men, in this world, are of equal worth. And that no man shall be slandered, violated, judged or ridiculed. Baz, if you hear someone use religion to justify their hate, don't listen to them. Because hate does not come from religion. It comes from fear." We watch each other for a moment, sitting in understanding silence, before Mrs Possibelf starts speaking. 

"Let's start the class by everyone emailing their assignments to me," she says as she writes her email on the whiteboard. I groan and Penny laughs lightly as I start typing quickly, cringing as I just decide to copy the whole Wikipedia page, wincing slightly when I send it. I'm definitely failing this assignment.

I glance at my phone when it vibrates on the desk, reading the message before I pick it up quickly, aware of Penny's eyes.

**Dad: 14:43 - I can't tell if this is a joke, Basilton.**

**Baz: 14:43 - It's not**

**Baz: 14:43 - Don't tell Fiona**

Tuesday, May 17 - 16:58

I pause, looking up slightly when I feel something hit me on the back of the head. Simon giggles from his bed. I just sigh and go back to my art homework, licking my lips as I scribble down the date of John Peploe's birth. Simon yawns dramatically before he throws another paper ball at me. I should never have agreed to finish my homework at his. Especially not in his room. Where his bed is. Where Simon is.

He grins when I turn to face him, spinning around in his chair, happy that he's getting attention. This boy is literally a puppy. "What are you doing?" I ask, laughing as he grins. Fuck, he's really cute. No, Baz. You have _homework_. Homework that's already a week late. 

"I'm going to annoy you," he says, smirking, "Until you come and study over here," he says, eyebrows arched as he pats the space next to him on his bed. 

"If I move over there," I frown, "I won't _study_."

"That's kind of the idea," he shrugs, dropping onto his back. I don't know why he's being so nonchalant, he has three exams in three weeks and so far the most he's done with his notes is rip them up to throw at me. "No," I shake my head, even though I'm smiling. "I've got to finish this. It's already late."

"What a drag," Simon pouts, sighing. What an idiot. But before I can turn back to my work he asks, "What should I wear?"

I arch an eyebrow at him, "Where?"

"To this dinner?" I frown, leaning back into his chair as he rakes his hands through his hair. "Should I wear a tux? Should I cut my hair? I hate my hair. It's too springy."

"We've not even decided if we're going," I point out. What I mean by that is that _I've_ not decided if we're going. Simon obviously wants to go. He said he's great with children and that he thinks my dad will love him. I'm not so sure. Not that it would be Simon's fault at all. He's perfect. My dad's just a massive asshole. "And don't cut you hair," I say, turning away. I hear him sit up and I can almost hear the grin in his voice when he asks why. "I love your hair. Don't cut it. You're not allowed to. I'll break up with you if you cut your hair."

He laughs and goes to say something when the door opens and I hear keys being dropped and the front door clicking shut. "Simon, are you home?" 

"Dad's here," Simon grins, his face lightening up. "You can finally meet him," he smiles, standing up off of his bed as he pulls open his door to reveal a man in the hallway. I stand up from the desk as I blink at Simon's dad. He's wearing a suit and a green tie, and looks a lot more posh than how I imagined him. I also never imagined the moustache. From Simon's description of his dad I was expecting...a Godlike figure. He just looks like a normal man, albeit a skinny, scrappy looking man. And by the way he's glaring at me, I can tell this man already doesn't like me.

"Dad, this is Baz," Simon says, either ignoring or is oblivious to the way his dad is looking at me. 

"It's a pleasure to meet you," I say politely, extending my hand. His dad doesn't say anything just nods after he stares at my hand. I let it fall to my side. "I need to talk to you, Simon," his dad says before he leaves the room. Simon shoots me an apologetic smile before he follows him out towards the kitchen. "I'll be right back."

I only hear snippets of their conversation words like, Agatha and studying and boys and failing. I sigh as I sit down on Simon's bed, leaning back as I gaze at the drawings on his walls. My heart flutters slightly when I see that the drawings of Agatha have been taken down and replaced with bats or drawings of a boy with dark hair and a widow's peak. 

I jump when Simon's door is pushed open. I'm expecting Simon to appear, not a woman with straw yellow hair pushed up into a messy, falling out bun and the biggest, bluest eyes I've ever seen. She's wearing a bright yellow dress and she has a necklace with decorative daisies intertwined into it. She looks like a literal hug. She must be Simon's mum.

"Hello," she smiles brightly, and it's almost scary how much she looks like her son. "You must be Baz." I nod as I stand up and shake her out stretched hand. Stark difference from her husband. "It's a pleasure to meet you," she says before she looks around the room. "But where's Simon?"

"His father said he needed to talk to him," I say, biting the bottom of my lip when the colour from her face drains slightly.

"Oh dear, I was hoping I could beat Davy home and speak to Simon first," she sighs. "Look, Baz, maybe it's better if you see Simon tomorrow," she frowns sadly, patting my shoulder. 

"Okay," I say, nodding before I quickly throw my things into my bag. She holds the door open for me as I shoulder my bag. 

"Sorry for kicking you out," she says apologetically, walking with me to the front door. I flinch when I hear Simon's strained voice. _"He's not a distraction, you don't understand! Why won't you just listen to me? You never listen!"_

 _"I don't have to listen to you. But_ you will _listen to me, Simon. And you will do as I say,_ " Is his father's harsh and sharp response. Simon's following silence feels like a slap. My throat bobs as I turn to face Simon's mum, who's looking partly embarrassed and partly stressed. "Thanks for having me," I try and smile gratefully.

"Of course, you're welcome back anytime," she says. "You must come for dinner soon," she says before she swiftly shuts the door. As I stand in the hallway, hands in my pocket as I stare at the chipping white paint of the front door, I highly doubt I'll be welcome back in the Snow home for a while to come. Turns out Simon's dad might be a colossal asshole too.

Wednesday, May 18 - 13:42

"Are you coming or not?" Dev asks as the four of us walk down the stairs. 

"I already told you I'm not," I say, rolling my eyes. "Stop asking."

"It's the best pizza in town," Will tells me, in an attempt to persuade me to come with them. They've been trying to get me to skive off all day. "Get someone in your class to take notes for you," Niall says.

"It's only three pounds for a pizza," Dev says, pouting.

"It's not that easy," I say when we reach the landing, folding my arms. "You guys have a free period right now, I don't. I'd have to skip class."

"Can't you just study at home for that fucking test?" Dev asks. I sigh, exasperated before I shake my head. "Sure you can," he grins, shaking me by the shoulders. "No, you learn much more by attending classes, research shows that," I say, trying to sound smart but the three of them just snort, and start laughing. I roll my eyes and as I look up, I see Simon walking towards us. 

"C'mon," Dev groans before Simon reaches us and the three of them turn to face him. 

"Hello," he smiles and Dev and Niall nod. 

"Guys, this is Simon, Simon this is..." I trail off as I watch them all smile and shake hands. This is so fucking weird. Like worlds colliding. "Hello Sam, I'm Will," I almost cringe when Will says that, shaking Simon's hand, but Simon's just grinning.

Dev and Niall nods at Simon before there's a moment of silence. "So, what's up?" Simon asks, biting his bottom lip.

"We were going for food, but Baz's got one class left," Niall explains, narrowing his eyes at me.

"Too bad," Simon nods as he watches me, smiling softly. 

"We've tried persuading him, but he won't skive-"

"Oh _fuck_!" Will cuts Niall off, his jaw falling as he points at Simon. "Oh it's Simon. Oh, shit, sorry man. Nice to meet you." You have got to be shitting me. 

"Nice to meet you too," Simon smiles, his eyes dancing. 

"I completely fucking _forgot_!" Will laughs, shaking his head. "This is the guy who threw us our of your flat, right?" I feel my cheeks redden as my eyes slide to Simon who's grinning widely, arching an eyebrow at me.

"No, we were kicked out _because_ of him," Dev and Niall correct Will.

"You threw us out cause of this handsome guy," Will smirks, pointing a finger accusingly at Simon.

"I didn't throw you out," I object, narrowing my eyes at Will. He doesn't seem to understand that the sharpness in my voice is a hint for him to shut the fuck up. "They were going to a part," I say to Simon as Will scoffs.

"It went really quick. You were all like; _'Guys get out now!'_ And you wouldn't give me my shoes back," Will says, his eyebrows raising.

"You were going to a party!" I repeat through gritted teeth.

"Yeah, with you," Will says. "But you patched cause you wanted to be with him instead."

I'm about to argue with him again and state that I had no interest in going to Emily's party anyway, but Simon speaks before I can. "It was probably best you weren't there anyway." Dev and Niall snort, trying to hide their laughter, and it takes Will a moment to understand what Simon's insinuating before he giggles. "Well, if we want this pizza we're probably gonna have to leave," Dev says, smiling apologetically at me before he shakes Simon's hand again, "Nice to meet you again, mate."

As Dev and Niall walk off, Will wraps his arms around Simon and hugs him tightly before he starts to chase after the other two. As he lets go of Simon, my phone starts ringing. I frown at the unknown caller ID, meeting Simon's eyes as I pick up, placing the phone against my ear. "This is Baz?"

"Hey, it's Agatha, Simon's..." I drop my phone as she speaks, hiding it against my chest. "It's Agatha," I whisper to Simon, who's face bleaches and jaw clenches before he takes the phone from me.

"Don't fucking call Baz," he says before he hangs up, handing my phone back. I blink up at him.

"What?" I laugh slightly, confused. "Why would you do that?" What if it was urgent, or an emergency? Why would he just hang up without speaking to her?

"Don't talk to her," he says simply, as if that's good enough. As if that's an explanation. As if he has any authority over who I talk to.

"Why?" I scoff, folding my arms. "What does she even want?"

"To control you." If Simon didn't look so serious, I would laugh. But his blue eyes seem almost grey and he's frowning, looking slightly miserable. 

 _"Control me_?" I repeat, unconvinced, arching an eyebrow. "How could she _possibly control me_? Why would she want to?"

"Because," Simon sighs, as if there's something I'm not understanding. "Because she doesn't like people who live freely. Or who are genuine." I open my mouth to protest, but Simon's pushing his lips against mine. He pulls away quickly, his sad and grave face vanished, replaced by his golden smile. "You're so fucking fit, Baz," he grins before he takes a step back and begins walking up the stairs. He keeps his eyes on me until he disappears up the stairs. I stand there for a moment, partly confused, and partly in love.

Friday, May 20 - 16:45

I'm outside the school gates, waiting for Simon when my phone goes. I blink down at the text, pushing my tongue into my cheek.

**0 3358 2298470: 16:45 - Hi this is Agatha**

**0 3358 2298470: 16:45 - Can you call me when you're not with Si?**

I blink down at my phone when two hands cover my eyes and a voice whispers in my ear, "Guess who?"

"You're an idiot," I roll my eyes and lightly push Simon away, turning around to face him. He goes to kiss me but I freeze slightly, hyperaware of everyone in the schoolyard. He notices it, and I catch the small frown that lingers on his face but it instantly vanishes and he says with a smile, "So what do you wanna do?"

"I don't mind," I say, shrugging. I'm about to suggest we could go get a coffee or something when Simon speaks.

"I wanna leave," he murmurs, looking up at me from under his eyelashes.

"And go where?" I ask, curious.

"Have you ever seen a Diplodocus skeleton?"

Friday, May 20 - 18:32

Simon's across from me, sleeping quietly, his cheek squished up against the glass looking so adorable and i just can’t stop watching him. We're the last ones in the carriage, maybe even the last ones on the train.

We could be the last ones on _Earth,_ for all I care.

I can't believe we're going to fucking London. It doesn't seem real. I keep panicking that I'll be jolted awake, sitting up in my bed back at the flat.

But there’s nothing more _real_ than watching Simon sleep like this, the cool spring sun filtered through the trees outside and streaming in through the window in tiny beams, playing in Simon's copper hair and on his golden skin, making him look like an actual angel. Soft and strong and everything I've ever needed. I have to resist the urge to reach over and touch him, just to tell myself that this is real. This is real and Simon isn't going anywhere.

“We’re here,” I whisper when the train comes to a stop, poking his cheek lightly and running a hand through his hair. Simon blinks open his eyes, the sleepy frown on his face replaced by a soft smile when he recognises me. "Let's go see a dinosaur."

Friday, May 20 - 21:21

After the museum, I let Simon lead me to a hotel. I didn't even know he'd booked anything but when the thought that we had no where to sleep had suddenly occurred to me, Simon had just shrugged, a small smirk on his face.

"Hello, we've booked a room in the name of Simon Oliver Snow," Simon says to the receptionist, leaning on the counter. I didn't know his middle name was Oliver. That's adorable.

"Welcome," the lady smiles up at the two of us. "Can I see some ID?" she asks Simon who hands her his driving license. Before tilting his head as she types into the computer. "Are you Scottish?" he asks.

"Yes. I am," the lady nods, smiling.

"You are? Wow. That's so cool. That's so incredibly cool. I'm a big fan of Scottish people." Simon's speaking like a child who's just eaten ten bars of Dairy Milk. Maybe he's just feeling happy. I know I am. "Yeah?" the lady asks.

"Lewis Capaldi. Deep fried Mars bars. Tartan. And like there's mountains everywhere. And Edinburgh is so pretty."

"That's where I'm from," she says, laughing as she hands Simon back his ID.

"Wow, cool," he nods, grinning brightly. "I'd love to live there one day." I laugh lightly, and Simon looks at me, his eyes bright. "Don't you like Scotland?"

"Yeah," I nod, stepping forward slightly. "Scotland's great."

"This is my boyfriend," Simon tells the lady proudly, wrapping an arm around my shoulder.

"You're very cute together," the lady says, handing Simon the key card.

"He's incredibly good looking." I laugh at that, burying my face in his shoulder from embarrassment. "Very bonnie."

*

When we reach our room, I'm instantly shutting the door and Simon's already kissing me desperately and my shirts already off and his jeans are already on the other side of the room. Fuck. I haven't kissed him all day. Almost forgot how good it feels. When our lips finally connect it’s like the last piece of a puzzle I didn’t know I was putting together falls into place. Like everything calms down and all I can feel and all I want to feel is Simon's heartbeat on my lips, on my fingertips.

Everything else and everyone else disappears and I just want to lose myself in it all. In the red light dim light of the room, in the heat, in the touch, the want. In the love I feel on my skin, on my chest, in my heart.

Taking a deep breath, I let myself do exactly that. Dive head first into it all and follow Simon, down onto the massive bed, into the deep, where there’s only skin and lips and tongues and sighs and shivers as I map out a trail down Simon's body, a trail that has him trembling under me until I finally wrap m lips around him and push forward. “Fuck, you’re good at that” Simon sighs, still struggling to catch his breath, a big smile breaking out on his lips as he reaches over to unbutton my jeans.

“Wait,” I whisper and catch his hand, lacing our fingers together. "Have you...have you ever done this before?" I need to know. And he should know I haven't. Not with anyone.

"Yes," he answers before he bites his lip and shakes his head. "No."

"Yes or no?" I ask, staring at him. 

"Yes. Not like this."

"Not with a boy?" I ask, shame and embarrassment coursing through me.

"Not when I really wanted it."

*

There’s something about the way Simon tugs me gently down on top of him, something about the way his hips buck up slightly and his fingers dig into my skin. Something about the way Simon hums into the kiss is doing _things_ to me. Making me feel serene and desperate in equal measure. Serene because there’s no one I trust like Simon. No one I've ever trusted like Simon Oliver Snow. Desperate to let him know he can trust me too. Serene because I've never felt like this before. Desperate because I've  _never felt like this before._

As we kiss it's just hot and skin and fingers and lips and cold and chest and I hope Simon can hear the words I'm unable to make my mouth say right now.

_I want you. I trust you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you._

As I watch Simon unwrap the condom, I realise that we really are in this together. We're together. And that’s exactly what I feel as I let myself sink down onto Simon, an overwhelming sense of connectedness. A connection I can’t remember having felt in a long time. I don't think I've ever had a connection like this. A connection with my own body and with everything around me, but more than anything an unbreakable connection with Simon. And when I start moving on top Simon, it’s like every cell in my body is interlocking with his, like the magnetic pull of gravity between us is creating light and dark and every color in between, like our bodies are forming a universe of our own and all of its elements and there’s nothing else but _this_. Nothing else but us. Together. 

Nothing else but our bodies moving against each other like waves crashing onto the shore, nothing else but sighs and gasps and broken moans, nothing but whispered promises vibrating through the air. Nothing else but me and Simon. Simon. Simon. Simon.

Friday, May 20 - 22:38

I watch as Simon starts on his third burger. We ordered way too much room service. I am literally surrounded by mountains of food. But I honestly wouldn't be surprised if Simon finished it all. "You have to try this," he says, passing me the burger, watching as I crinkle my nose at it. "You'll like it," he says, cocking his head. I smile, shaking my head before I take a bite. 

"It's nice," I nod before I put it back down on a plate, wiping the garlic mayo from my hands onto the fancy hotel robe I'm wearing. 

"At our wedding, we're only going to have mini burgers," Simon says as he starts picking at a slice of pizza. He doesn't even seem to realise what he's said.

"At our wedding, _really_?" I ask, arching an eyebrow at him. He grins as he turns to be and shrugs, as if to say _obviously_.

"You don't think we're getting married?" he asks, raising his eyebrows. "We are definitely getting married. One hundred percent. Huge, fucking wedding." I laugh, rolling my eyes as I lean back against the foot of the bed. "And we'll show up as as a bat and a wolf," he says, grinning as he takes a sip of red wine. I have no idea why he ordered that. I don't think he even enjoys it. "No, you know what, we'll just show up completely fucking naked. From now on, we're doing everything completely naked."

" _Okay_ ," I nod, laughing slightly. I can't really tell when the joke stops. 

"And I'm going to propose to you on a roof. And after I've climbed up to the roof, I'll say, ' _What happens now I've saved you?'_ And you'll say..." I just blink at him, not sure if I'm meant to understand. "You'll say I'll save you right back," he murmurs, sighing slightly. I furrow my eyebrows when the insane joy leaves his face and is replaced with a sad frown as he leans against the wall. "That's my dream," he whispers and I'm not sure if I'm meant to have heard that so I just lean back onto the bed and bundle down further into the fuzzy robe.

*

"How many Bazs and Simons are lying in a bed like this right now, do you think?" Simon breathes as he runs his finger down my cheek and jaw. 

"Infinitely many," I reply, smiling sleepily as I as I turn half of my face into the pillow. 

"For an infinite amount of time?" he asks, grinning, tapping his fingers on my neck.

"The only way to have something for an infinite time is by losing it." I frown at him, furrowing my eyebrows as I run my fingers down his chest.

"Don't say shit like that," I tell him, watching as he smiles and shrugs, even though I can tell he's forcing it.

"I'm just kidding," he says before he presses a kiss to my forehead. 

Saturday, 21 May - 02:21

I blink, rolling over as streams of light wake me up. "Don't you ever fucking sleep?" I murmur as I hear Simon walking around. He's not slept at all. And we've been awake for hours. 

"Not when you're lying there looking so fucking fit," I hear him say before I feel him push a kiss to my cheek. I groan and burrow further under the duvet, pulling it over my head. "Simon, come lie back down," I say after another ten minutes of wandering about. I peek over the duvet to see him tying his shoes. "Yeah I will, I'm just going to go see the dinosaur again," he murmurs before he leaves the room.

Because my mind is so sleep-deprived and cranky, I don't fully comprehend what's happening before I hear the door shut. And then I sit up, blinking as my heart starts pounding in my chest. What the fuck? He just left. At two in the morning. And he's fucking naked. I fall out of bed as I scramble to pull on my jeans and a t-shirt as I open the door and peer out into the hall. "Simon!" I call, my voice breaking as my hand trembles on the handle. What the fuck? What am I meant to do? He's fucking naked. " _Simon!"_

I grab his clothes and tug my jacket on quickly before I leave the room, my breathing shallow as I run through the corridors, deciding to take the stairs rather than the lift in case they take too long. When I reach the foyer, three employees are standing together, their faces shocked as they talk to the lady that had been on reception earlier. "Where did he go?" I ask her, my tone strained. I hate how small I sound. And how small I feel right now. She doesn't say anything, just points to the door.

I run out, jaw clenched as I wildly search for Simon, screaming his name as I wander the streets of London alone. After ten minutes of pointless searching I collapse onto a bench, holding my head in my hands as angry, frustrated tears slip down my face. I yell through my teeth as I jump up and furiously kick the bench, Simon's clothes falling off. He's fucking naked, running around London. He's going to get fucking _killed_. "SIMON!" I knew something was wrong. He's been acting strange and different for a couple of days now. This is all my fucking fault.

"SIMON!" I scream, cupping my hands around my mouth, praying to anyone who'll fucking listen that he doesn't get stabbed. Then I realise there's something I should've probably done a while ago. I grab my phone from my pocket and with trembling hands, quickly click call on the latest number. "Hello? Yeah, this is Baz. It's Simon," I say, my voice wavering as I try and hold back the tears that threaten to fall. "I need your help, Agatha."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> feedback and comments are v much appreciated :)


	20. See You Sunday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I love you too."

Saturday, 21 May - 08:15

I shudder under my jacket, pulling my knees to my chest as I sniff, wiping my eyes with the heels of my hands. I'm so fucking tired. 

 _Simon_.

I'm sitting on a hard, cold, wooden bench outside the hospital, leaning against a wall as I try and go through everything that happened. I keep running through it in my mind, but I just...I just don't _understand_. 

When Agatha walks over to me, I look up even though she doesn't say anything. Sighing, she sits down next to me, leaning her head back against the wall and shuts her eyes softly. Even though she woke up at two and drove all the way to London she looks immaculate. No wonder Simon fell in love with her. Simon.

"Is he okay?" I ask softly, blinking up at her. 

"He's better," she says, her eyes still closed as she wraps her arms around herself. "His parents just need to sign the last papers and then we're taking him home." We're silent for a moment and I watch her as she leans forward, opening her eyes as she tilts her head to look at me. "Can I see him?" I ask, biting the bottom of my lip. 

She shakes her head and sighs lightly, "I don't think that's a good idea." I nod, my throat bobbing. "If you hurry up you can make the nine am train," she suggests, blinking at me.

"I don't understand what happened," I murmur, ignoring what she said. That was probably the wrong idea to say because Agatha's jaw clenches and her eye twitches. "I just want to know how he's doing."

"I can tell you how he's doing," she says, looking away from me as she breathes heavily out through her nose, pushing her long white hair over her shoulders. "He's. Not. Well," she says, glaring at me.

"What's wrong with him?" I ask, slightly hoping she'll say nothing. She smiles humourlessly before shaking her head as if she can't believe I don't know.

"Borderline personality disorder." Oh. But Simon never mentioned anything...he never said anything. "It's been years."

"I don't buy it," I say as a group of girls walk past us, laughing and giggling, enjoying their lives. I was laughing like that a couple of hours ago.

"No?" Agatha asks, arching a perfectly shaped eyebrow. "Do you think it's normal for someone to run around completely naked int he middle of the night?" she asks sharply. When I don't answer she turns away from me, sighing through her nose as she picks at her nails. I can tell she's annoyed at me for not leaving. She probably thinks she needs to watch me. But I just want to see Simon. "Do you think he's in love with you?" I look up at her to find Agatha watching me, her eyes tired and sad. "He's not," she shakes her head, laughing lightly. "This is just another whim of his. You're just a whim, Baz." I freeze up, my heart falling. Maybe...maybe she's right. I mean, he ran around naked in the middle of the night. Maybe falling in love with a boy is on par with that for Simon.

"Last year, he learned the Qur'an off by heart for another guy," Agatha tells me, looking down at her feet. "He used to speak in Arabic, ran away from home a lot." I'm just another whim. Just like the last guy. "If you were to ask him what his name is right now," Agatha says, playing with a strand of long, shinny hair. "I don't think he would be able to tell you." My throat bobs as I pull my sweater over my shaking hands. "I think you should leave him alone Baz," Agatha says as she stands up, looking down at me. "You think he loves you, but he doesn't. He can't love you, you understand? It's just something he got in his head. And...I don't want you making anything worse for him," she says before she walks off back towards the hospital looking back at me once before she walks in, the door shutting behind her. Shutting behind everything. 

I wipe the tears away as I check my phone. 8:23. 

I can make the train home.

Saturday, 21 May - 13:44

Bipolar.

I push my tongue into my cheek as I search it up, clicking on the NHS website. Biting my lip, I scroll through the page, flashes of Simon jumping through my mind. 

**During an episode of depression, you may have overwhelming feelings of worthlessness.**

**During a manic phase of bipolar disorder, you may:**

  * **feel very happy**
  * **have lots of energy, ambitious plans and ideas**
  * **spend large amounts of money on things you cannot afford and would not normally want**



**It's also common to:**

  * **not feel like eating or sleeping**
  * **talk quickly**
  * **become annoyed easily**



I'm scanning through the information when my phone goes. I close my laptop and let it slide of my chest and reach over, frowning when I see that it's Simon. 

 **Simon: 13:44 - I wanna be your vacuum cleaner**  
                          **Breathing in your dust**  
 **I wanna be your Ford Cortina**  
 **I won't ever rust**  
 **If you like your coffee hot**  
 **Let me be your coffee pot**  
 **You call the shots babe**  
 **I just wanna be yours**  
  
**Secrets I have held in my heart**  
 **Are harder to hide than I thought**  
 **Maybe I just wanna be yours**  
 **I wanna be yours, I wanna be yours**  
 **Wanna be yours, wanna be yours, wanna be yours**

I sigh as I read the Arctic Monkeys lyrics, tracing the screen before I hear Agatha's voice in my head. _I don't want you making things worse for him_. I don't want to make things worse for him either. As I reread his text I imagine him lying in his bed, alone as his dad shouts at his mum from the living room. Biting my lip, I impulsively click block, lightly throwing my phone to the bottom of my bed before I click off of the NHS website, letting myself fall back onto my bed. I groan when my door opens, looking up to see Fiona standing in the threshold. She's not dressed for work, even though when I got home she was heading out. She's changed into a jumper and jeans and she's watching me like I'm dying. Like I'm a bleeding puppy caught in a trap.

"Leave me alone please," I say before rolling over into my bed. She doesn't leave, but rather sits down at the end of my bed and arches an eyebrow at me.

"What's going on, Basil?" she asks. If I wasn't so angry and sad I'd be surprised at how kind she sounds.

"Can you please just go away?" I growl, shoving my head into my pillow. 

"No," Fiona says simply. I snarl and sit up, folding my arms as I glare at her. "I'm worried about you, Basil. And I didn't want to mention it, but I've been worried for a while."

"Fiona!" I say, not realising I'm shouting before I stand up. "Can you please just leave!" The fact that she just sits there calmly infuriates me even more.

"I'm staying here," she says, frowning slightly as she folds her arms. "I'm not leaving you alone while you're acting like a idiotic, angry dickhead."

"Fine! Fine," I laugh humourlessly. "Fuck you! You can stay in here on your own then," I snarl as I storm out of the room. Fiona stands up quickly and reaches out to grab my arm but I'm already slamming the door behind me. I hear her gasp lightly before I slide down the door, dropping down onto the floor. I sit there for a couple of minutes in silence, breathing heavy as my anger slowly disappears. I shouldn't be angry at Fiona. She hasn't done anything wrong at all. She's been coexisting with me pretty well, considering I've been feeling angsty and angry for the last couple of weeks. And I can't believe I thought she couldn't tell. I was so sure I was acting normally. I was so sure everything was fine. 

I sigh as I lean my head against the closed door, an overwhelming sense of sadness and regret overcoming me. "Are you sitting there?" I ask, my voice breaking slightly as I turn my head to look at the door. 

"Yes." I hear her muffled reply, slightly angry and slightly worried. We're silent for another minute before Fiona speaks, "Do you want to tell me what's wrong?" 

"No," I say, shaking my head even though she can't see me. I blink as I look into the kitchen, frowning when I see Fiona's broken Nutri-Bullet lying on the countertop.

"Malcolm phoned me the other day," she says and I can hear her tapping on the floor.

"I thought you hated my dad," I snort, rolling my eyes. I hear her click her tongue and I can see her scowling in my mind. She doesn't say anything for a moment and I already know what's coming. And I just can't be fucked. I'm too tired. Everything hurts too much. I just...can't.

"Do you think... _this_...is a problem for me, Baz?" 

"I don't know," I admit, angry that tears are still streaming down my face. 

"Baz," Fiona starts and I can hear her voice breaking slightly. "You are...probably the most important thing to me." Fuck. I never thought that. I thought at best I was a slight inconvenience. 

"What about Nico?" I ask, my throat closing up as I spread my hands out on the floorboards. Fiona laughs lightly.

"Baz, you're my sister's son. You're the only family I've got left. I love you like my own son. You're the one person I genuinely like." I sigh, my lip wavering as I squeeze my eyes shut, sniffing as I hold my head in my hands. "I love you, Baz. And nothing's gonna change that. Ever." 

"I love you too," I reply, tipping my head against the door as I run my hands down my face. I hear her laugh hoarsely behind me before she taps on the door.

"Can I come out now?" she laughs.

"Maybe later."

Wednesday, 25 May - 12:26

I slip into the seat next to Dev at our table, sighing as I place my tray of fish fingers down. "Are you kidding, they have fish fingers?" Niall asks, his face lighting up as he looks down at my lunch. "I love fish fingers." I smile lightly, shrugging as I push my tray towards him. "I'm not hungry anyway," I say, furrowing my eyebrows as I watch Niall shove them in his face.

"What's up with you not being at school?" Dev asks softly as Niall scoffs down three fish fingers at the one time. 

"I'm just feeling a bit down," I murmur, biting my bottom lip as I look up at him. 

"What's going on?" Dev asks, frowning as he watches me carefully. I sigh and look away, staring down at the floor as I try and think about how to word this.

"Simon snapped," I say, scratching my neck.

"Really?" Dev asks, and I can tell he's confused. "What did he do?" he asks as he moves his curry around on his plate.

"He...went out in the middle of the night," I start and Dev frowns at me, arching an eyebrow until I add, "Naked. Completely naked." Dev's face drains of colour as he pushes his tongue into his cheek.

"What?"

"Apparently he's bipolar," I shrug, sucking on my bottom lip as I let my head drop onto my hands.

"Who's bipolar?" We all look up to see Will arriving at the table, dropping into the seat across from me. "My mum's bipolar."

"I didn't know you also had a crazy parent," I say, giving a humourless laugh as I think of the unanswered calls from my dad. Will frowns at me as he drops his sandwich onto his tray. 

"She's not _crazy_ ," he shrugs, tilting his head at me. "She's bipolar."

"Yeah, but what is she like?" I ask, leaning forward.

"Fucking awesome," Will grins proudly as he picks at his sandwich. "She's...you've met her, right?" I try and remember, because I have been to Will's house a couple of times, but normally it's just his big brother that's home. But I;m pretty sure I have met his mum, but she seemed perfectly fine when she offered me macaroni cheese a year ago. "Yeah, I have. But she's normal."

"Yeah," Will nods. "She's completely normal. She just has periods where she's depressed or excited," Will says, shrugging casually. "Who are _you_ talking about?" he asks, through a mouthful of ham.

"Simon. He's bipolar. He went out in the middle of the night. Naked." I look up when Will starts laughing, grinning though his sandwich.

"Really?" he laughs, looking from me to Dev to Niall, who are all just staring at him. "That's fucking hilarious."

"It's not _funny_ , Will," I frown, furrowing my eyebrows.

"Yeah, but it's comical," he shrugs, smiling. "You know what my mum did once? She was so pissed at this Waitrose where we used to live in Scotland, so she found out who the manager was, and sent in a resignation lettering his name. She wrote like, I give up. I can't work anymore," he laughs to himself, shaking his head as he recounts the memory. "Where is Simon now?" he asks, turning back to me.

"At home, probably," I say, shrugging. How am I meant to know?

"Not physically," Will says, shaking his head. "But, like, mentally." I look up at him, frowning as I cock my head, confused. "Is he excited, or is he depressed?" Suddenly a firework of shame bursts in my gut as I remember the feeling of clicking that block button. "I haven't talked to him," I admit.

"Why not?" Will asks, passing Dev half of his sandwich. 

"Because...it was all bullshit from his side," I say. Dev, Will and Niall all turn to face me, frowning. 

"What do you mean?" Will asks.

"He's been manic," I say.

Will furrow his brows as he leans back in his chair. "You've been with him a long time. He hasn't been manic that whole time." I blink, thinking back to how Simon had been the first night we'd hung out. "When my mum's manic it's like I can't talk to her. Can't make contact," he says, waving his hands in front of my face. "You've had lots of contact with Simon."

"Yeah," I nod. "But Agatha said he's been manic the whole time."

"Who's Agatha?" Dev asks.

"His ex-girlfriend." I frown when Dev sighs, letting his head drop into his hands and Will smiles at me like I'm a child.

"So, you think...you trust his ex, when she tells you he doesn't have feelings for you?" I look away, staring at the table. Oh fuck. I didn't think about it like that. "Smart, Baz," Will nods, rolling his eyes. "Best thing I've heard all day. Wow." Blinking, I look up at him when he taps my shoulder, shaking his head lightly. "How about asking Simon how he feels? Just cause he's had a manic episode doesn't mean he's braindead." I also never thought about that. I just kind of shut down after Saturday. Couldn't let myself really think about anything cause it hurt too much. "Talk to him when he's calmed down." I nod, pushing my tongue into my cheek as Dev laughs.

"You're actually pretty cool, Will," he says, nodding at Will as he grins.

"You're just realising this now?"

"Yes," Dev nods, scoffing.

"Thanks Dev, you're pretty cool too."

Thursday, 26 May - 19:25

I stare at Simon's number on the screen, biting my lip as I click unblock. I debate texting him, or calling maybe when my dad's number jumps up on the screen. I resist the urge to hang up and lean back into my chair, feet on my desk as he starts talking, his voice too tinny and small. "Hello, Basilton. How are you?"

"I've been worse," I reply, deadpanned.

"How's Fiona?" he asks, even though we both know he doesn't care. About her or me.

"Fine."

"Say hi to her for me," he says. I don't answer, because he knows I won't say that. And if I did Fiona would just roll her eyes and scoff. "Look, Basilton, I was thinking about the thing that you texted me. Maybe it's not appropriate for you to bring this boy. I mean, I'd like to meet him another time, just without Daphne and the girls." I sigh, nodding even though he can't see me. I want to scream at him, I know you're ashamed of me. I know you hate me, because I remind you of mum. I know you can't be fucked with me. But guess what, I hate me more than you do, and I can't be fucked with you either. But I don't say any of that. Instead I tilt my head up to the ceiling and laugh softly and say, "Dad, I was joking. There's no boy."

I want to hear it. I want to hear the relief in his voice. Hear the relived laugh. Hear how he doesn't like me as I am, only likes the parts he chooses. Only cares about me when he has the time to.

"Oh...well, you're so daft, Basilton," he laughs awkwardly and I frown. I knew it. I fucking _knew_ it. "I'm happy you're coming. Mordelia's looking froward to seeing you again. It's been a year." Mordelia fucking hates me. She told me so herself. Said that I was mean when I wouldn't give her another cookie last time I was dragged over to that mansion of theirs. I know she does't fully understand who I am, and why I spent the whole time scowling at her dad.

"Dad?" I ask, my voice wavering as I cut him off.

"Yes?"

"I wasn't joking." Father doesn't say anything. I can just hear his breathing on the other side. "We broke up though," I laugh coldly. "So he won't be coming. You don't have to worry."

"Are you...are you sad about it?" I shut my eyes, trying to push back the maddening tears that won't _fuck_ off. "Do you feel-"

"I'm fine," I say. "We don't have to talk about it, okay?"

"Oh, okay. Well, I'm sorry about what I said earlier then."

"It's fine," I say, the sharpness in my voice obviously taking him aback.

"Okay, well, I'll see you on Sunday then. Do you need picked up from Fiona's?" he asks.

"No. I'll walk." I can't imagine anything worse than a silent car ride with my father.

"Okay. I'll see you then." I don't say goodbye because I'm scared if I open my mouth, I'll burst out into tears. And I'm not doing that in front of my father. So I just hang up, shuddering as I stare down at Simon's profile picture. He's grinning. And his blue eyes are sparkling. And he's beautiful. 

I shut my eyes after I click call, holding the phone back up to my ear. And when it goes straight to voicemail, I let the phone drop onto my desk, hiding my face in my hands. Fuck.

 _Simon_.


	21. I'm Here

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "You're not alone anymore."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry it's a bit shorter than usual :)

**Baz: 19:24 - I tried calling you. Just wanted to know how you are. I miss you.**

Sunday, 29 May - 20:50

I shove my hands in his pockets as I walk up to my father's new house, the blooming ivy crawling up the sandstone walls. Pushing my tongue into my cheek, I pause at the gate, tightening my hands around the black railings. It's nicer than our old house. Warmer. More plants around. Mother always hated gardening. I drop my hand from the gate as I slip past it, the gravel under my feet crunching as I walk up to the front door. I go to knock on the door, but before I do I hear music coming from somewhere. It's Michael Buble. 

I walk over to the side of the house, jumping down from the porch as I watch my father through the windows. He's got his back to me, and he's facing the oven as he stirs something. I watch, biting my bottom lip as Daphne wraps her arms around his shoulders and presses a kiss to his temple before she walks over to the fridge and pulls out two bottles of John Crabbies ginger beer. I blink as she passes them to Father, who blinks down at the glass bottles before he places them down on the table. Ginger beer used to be my favourite drink. Me and Dad would have it every Saturday. I've not drank it in two years. The thought of it started to make me feel a bit sick.

The table is all set up. Pink tulips in the centre. Six plates. And a highchair. I stare at the child, it's fat, little hands clenching as it giggles as father pats it's head, tickling behind it's ear. I have a little sister. I share the same blood as it. My throat bobs as I watch Father pick the baby up and lightly bounce it in his arms. So he gets a redo. He gets a whole other chance at being a dad. He gets another chance at being a husband. At another life. I wonder, if given the option, if he would pick them over us. If somehow, my mum was standing next to me, arm on my shoulder. Wonder if he would still pick them.

Walking further around, I duck underneath the window ledge so they don't see me, the rose bushes scratching weakly at my fingers. I pause at the living room window, watching as Mordelia and one of the twins dance, I can't tell which one it is. Mordelia's holding the little girl's hands and she's gently guiding her around the floor, lifting the little girl up. I smile lightly when the other twin spots me and her face lights up. Blinking, I stand still as she shuffles over to me, grinning brightly as she places her little hand on the window pane. I place my hand against her's for a moment before I duck down when Father walks in the room. I hold my breath as I bend down against the wall, listening as Mordelia speaks. "When is he coming?" 

"He should be here in ten minutes," is Father's response and I peek up, watching as he picks the two twins up in his arms, both of them giggling and gargling. 

"Can we start without him?" Mordelia asks as she picks at her dress. I look down at my own mostly clean jeans and jumper. I hadn't thought to dress up. Great. Now I'll feel even more out of place. Father shakes his head as he walks with Mordelia into the kitchen. "No, we're going to wait for your brother like a nice family." I stand back up when they leave the room, staring blankly before my phone goes. 

 **Simon: 20:56 - Baz, I can't stop thinking about you. And I want to tell you a thousand things. Sorry for scaring you. Sorry for hurting you. Sorry for not telling you that I'm bipolar. I think I'm in love with you. And I've never loved anyone like I love you. And I think you might bot believe that. But I was afraid of losing you. I'd forgotten that it's not possible to lose someone, that all people are alone anyway. A different place in the universe we are together for all eternity, remember that.**

I read the text once, then I read it again; panic and fear rising in my gut. I'm shaking slightly as I take a step backwards, away from my Father's new home. Away from him and the twins and Daphne and Mordelia. My heart's rattling in my chest as I stumble back, like a stone in a wooden box.

**Baz: 21:00 - I'm really sorry but I'm not going to be able to make dinner tonight. Something came up. Nothing major, but I've got to do something. If you want, I can come back tomorrow. Sorry.**

After I text my dad, I start running. I run back down the gravel path, pushing open the gate quickly as I start running down the street. I scowl when it starts raining, the rain slipping down my face as I speed up. I run through Cloister's, praying to fucking anyone that Simon's where I think he is. Pray that he's safe and not done anything stupid yet. 

_"Why'd you stop?" "I was just fucking around."_

Panting heavily, I run down the main streets of Cloisters, past my flat, past the school, almost decking it on the slippery ground.

_"I'm Simon Snow." "How would you draw me?" "I like surprising people." "Our masterpiece."_

I blink when I run out onto the road without checking it first, not even pausing when a car almost runs into me, slamming on it's breaks and honking it's horn aggressively. 

_"My girlfriend." "Maybe it's because you're afraid you'll show your hidden homosexuality?" "Not necessarily a girl." "Not afraid? Not afraid."_

I pause when I reach the fence, swearing as I pull myself over it, hitting the damp ground before I grab my phone out and open the torch. 

_“Cruel, beautiful, scared Baz." "Do you believe in magic?" "But I do want you."_

Biting my lip, I dodge sharp branches and twigs as I run further into Simon's creepy woods, almost crying with relief when I come to our clearing and see him sitting against a tree, knees against his chest. I run over to him, dropping to my knees when I reach him, dropping my phone at my side. He looks up at me, tear stained eyes and shaking arms when I touch his face, my knuckles brushing his jaw. "You're not alone anymore," I say, tilting his chin up so he'll just _look_ at me. He shakes his head slightly, but I plant my hands on either side of his face. "I'm here," I say as my own hands shake on his pale, cold face. "You're not alone anymore," I say again before I wrap my arms around him, pulling him into a hug as I listen to his shaky breathing, before he places his own arms around my waist, dropping his head onto my shoulders. "I'm here," I say again as we stay against this tree, in our clearing, in the rain, in our own little universe. In this universe we're together. In this universe we have each other. 

And I've decided that we have each other in every other universe too.


	22. Minute by Minute

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I think you don't know shit, Simon Snow."

Monday, 30 May - 12:29

Even though Fiona called in sick for me and told the school I had food poisoning, I still lean back in my chair. I really don't want a teacher to spot me sitting in a Costa all alone, an untouched mug of hot chocolate in front of me when I should be in Biology. I debate texting Simon as I tap the table, but decide against it. He specifically told me this morning that I didn't need to look after him. That he was perfectly fine. That I didn't need to worry. And then he promptly fell asleep, face smushed into my mattress and my pillows tucked against his chest. 

Simon's the only reason why I'm sitting in this Costa. Because I don't know how to help him. And she wanted to see how he was. 

I look up when Agatha sits down in the seat across from me, a peach iced tea in her hands. She looks as shit as I feel. As shit as Agatha can look. Her eyes are weary and tired, but she's managed to make the light circles under her eyes look nice. Mine look like they've been tattooed on for years. "How is he?" she asks, not meeting my eyes.

"He's okay," I say instinctively, even though I don't really know if he's okay. He actually hasn't really moved from my bed. He doesn't really talk that much either. Just grunts or a shakes his head if I offer him a glass of water or some toast. He also doesn't shower unless I make him. He doesn't really do anything. "Well, he's actually just been sleeping since I brought him back."

"That's normal," Agatha says, nodding her head as she sips her tea. 

"Do his parents know?" I ask, biting my bottom lip. "I don't...I don't have their phone numbers."

"What?" Agatha asks, arching a perfect blonde eyebrow. "That he's staying at yours or that you're a guy?" she asks sharply before she shakes her head, a humourless smile on her face. "Don't worry about it, Baz. You're not the first, you know." I look away, not wanting to think about that. I think I've had enough of Agatha for one day. I get that she's pissed. Her boyfriend ran off with a guy and then had a manic episode and now he's staying at said guy's house. That would probably put me on edge too. "I'm sorry about all this," I mutter, watching as the marshmallow in my drink disappears under the surface, drowning in the overly-sweet, kind of disgustingly sweet hot chocolate.

"You're not the first, Baz, but you're not like the others," she says, turning to face me, tears lining the edge of her eyes. "At least, he doesn't talk about you like the others." I nod, not sure of what I'm suppose to say to that. "And I'm the one who's sorry," she says softly, her throat bobbing. "You're not a passing phase. And of course he's capable of love. I would know," she laughs lightly, her lips pressed into a tight smile. She looks like she's trying to not burst out into tears. 

"You hate me," I say watching as she tucks a strand of white hair behind her ear before she wipes at her eyes, sniffing. She shakes her head before she looks at me, blinking. "I envy you, I think," she breathes shakily. "Even in the beginning, when things were good between us...he wasn't like this. I mean..." she trails off, looking out onto the road. "Not like he is with you."

"But, uh..." she says, blinking as tears stream down her face. "But that also means you have responsibilities, now. He needs you now."

"What do I do?" I ask, praying that she'll hand me a pamphlet or something. I've spent hours googling bipolar while Simon sleeps next to me but I still don't really know what I'm supposed to do right now. How I'm supposed to help him. 

"There's no miracle solution," she says, shrugging sadly. "Be patient, over all things. Because you're never going to understand everything. And you won't always get it right the first try. And that's okay," she says, nodding as tears fill her eyes. "It's going to be okay," she says but I don't know if she's still talking to me. We sit in silence for a while, both of us staring at our drinks as tears line our eyes. "Be understanding," she says after a moment. I look up at her but she's still staring at her tea like if she tries hard enough it's burst into flames. "Get information. Read. Ask him questions too, when he's in the mood to answer. Try not rush him. If he wants to sleep. Let him sleep. If he won't talk don't pressure him." She finally looks up at me, and smiles kindly before wiping her eyes harshly. "There will be moments where all you'll be able to do is just look at him, and you'll feel powerless and useless and helpless. But that's just how it is," she shrugs. "You've just got to be there for him. But only when he needs you to be, Or wants you there. And when he doesn't want it or need it, wait for him. Because he'll always come back to you. He will always choose you again."

Monday, 30 May - 13:12

Simon hisses when I pull open the curtains but he doesn't move from his place on my bed, just bundles further under the duvet. I lie down next to him, pressing a kiss to the fluffy hair sticking out from under the blankets. "I should go," he murmurs, after a futile attempt to shrug me off of him. "Why?" I ask, holding myself over him, arms on either side of him as he turns onto his side, shaking his head.

"I don't feel so good," he shrugs, his tone unusually sharp. He sounds like he's annoyed at me. My gut hurts a little bit at the thickness of his voice but I stay where I am. 

"So what? I'm here," I say, running his hair through my hands. He doesn't respond for a moment, and at first I think he might just ignore me but then he starts shakes slightly and I think he might be holding back tears.

"I don't want you to see me like this," he breathes, his voice brittle. "Your face gets sad."

"That's not true," I laugh lightly. He doesn't move. "Look, my face isn't sad," I say in an attempt to get him to look up at me. He doesn't move.

"No."

"You don't wanna look at me?" When he shakes his head, I drip down ext to him, my face fitting next to his neck as I tap my fingers on his shoulder before I switch to soothingly tracing the up and down his arm. We don't speak for a while. Just lie on my bed, Simon facing away from me. "It's just that I already know this won't work."

"What are you talking about?" I frown even though he can't see me.

"Trust me," he says, laughing defeatedly. "I'd end up hurting you a lot. And you'd end up hating me."

"I think..." I start, my fingers playing with his bronze curls. "I think you don't know shit, Simon Snow," I whisper against his neck, smiling lightly.

"I don't?" Simon asks, and I can hear that he's smiling.

"Nope. No one knows what's going to happen. Trump might think fuck it and bomb us tomorrow. And then all of this talking of the future would have been pointless. None of us know what's going to happen, Simon."

"I do," he breathes. "You don't understand, Baz. I'm broken. I don't... _work_ right."

"No one does," I say and Simon sighs, annoyed. "I don't. And I don't care if you don't." I push myself back up, holding myself over him. "Let's play a game." At that, Simon finally moves onto his back, looking up at me with wide, slightly suspicious and tired blue eyes. He doesn't say anything, just arches an eyebrow as he watches me. "It's called, Simon and Baz. Minute by minute."

"Never heard of it," he murmurs as he reaches up, tucking a strand of hair behind my ear.

"All we have to do, is think about the next minute. Are you in?" I ask, grinning widely when he smiles slightly. He smiled.

"What happens in the next minute then?" he asks, blinking.

"In the next minute..." I think, pushing my tongue into my cheek. "You could eat something? Soup?" He shakes his head, his face back to tired indifference. "No...we won't do that...okay...I could kiss you?" He smiles again but he shakes his head anyway. "I haven't brushed my teeth," he says, a whisper of a laugh on his lips. 

"Only kisses on the nose, then," I say before I press my lips to his nose quickly. He laughs at that, an actual proper laugh before he pushes himself up onto his elbows, kissing my nose twice. I kiss his nose three times. He kisses mine four times before handing mine with his. I smile as we lie on my bed, the light streaming in casting shadows on his beautiful face as he presses a kiss to my cheek. Beautiful. Broken, yeah, maybe. But beautiful nonetheless.

Tuesday, 31 May - 10:23

"It's ten am and you're still in bed?" I ask Simon through the phone as I walk down the stairs, Chemistry books in my arms. "Aren't you ashamed of yourself?" His laugh rings in my ear, and I picture him in my mind, sitting in my ned, phone to his ear as he smiles, head against the wall. "I already had my French exam and my Maths exam."

"How'd that go?" he asks, his voice hoarse and tired. But he's trying. We're trying. Minute by minute.

"Well, I only got seventy percent, but given the circumstances, I'd say that's alright."

"Am I the _circumstances_?" he asks, snorting. 

"Something like that, yeah," I smile as I pause on the landing, leaning against the railing. "You're okay?" I ask, softly. "You know where the cups are, right?"

"Yes," Simon giggles. "Your Aunt gave me a coffee before she left for work."

"That's nice of her," I say, surprised. "She rarely does that for me."

"I guess she just likes me more than you," he says, forcing a laugh. I can hear that he's tired. A phone call for him right now is a lot. "I think I'm going to have a shower now," he says softly.

"Okay, I'll see you later." He doesn't say anything else, just hangs up. I sigh, staring at his contact picture on my phone before someone calls my name. I turn around to see Sarah walking towards me, waving as her blonde ponytail swishing. "Hello," I smile, half forced, half genuinely pleased to see her. 

"Have you looked at the group chat?" she asks, arching her eyebrows. When I just stare at her blankly she explains, "The eco committee group chat. On Instagram." I did not know there was an Instagram group chat. I have never been said chat. If I'm being perfectly honest I completely forgot about the eco committee. I shake my  head and Sarah sighs, as if she expected as much. "So at the meeting you missed we decided to have a bingo match for everyone, to celebrate all the work we did this term. So everyone's gonna bring in prizes like chocolate and wine and gift cards and stuff, and we'll all play bingo."

"Of course," I nod, running my tongue over my teeth.

"But we don't know where to have it," she smiles sweetly. Here we go. "I can't have it at mine because my mum would kill me, and Emily can't have it at hers. We asked Sabrina but she isn't sure. And we can't risk doing anything at school anymore, so we were wondering...if we could have it at yours?" she asks tentatively. 

"Sarah-" I start but she cuts me off.

"We're gonna take care of everything, Baz," she says. "We'll bring the prizes and the food and clean everything up afterwards. You don't need to worry about anything!" she pleads, clapping her hands together. 

"I mean, I'll ask Fiona, I guess..." I shrug, "But I'm not agreeing to anything yet." She smiles, pleased with herself as she nods.

"Okay, cool, well I'll ask Sabrina again if we can have it at hers so you might not even have to host it," she says before she walks away, grinning and patting my shoulder like I'm five. Well, if it's at Sabrina's house, I'm definitely not going. She fucking hates me. As I think about Sabrina, guilt rises in my stomach. I bite my lip as I look back down at my phone.

**Baz: 10:31 - Hey, how are you? Can we meet up maybe? Whenever you have a spare moment.**

I watch as her typing bubble appears but after a moment it disappears. I wait a moment but when it's clear she's not going to reply I turn my phone off and head to Drama.

Wednesday, 1 June - 07:21

Simon leans further into me, wrapping his arms around me tighter. We're waiting at the bus stop. He's going home. And it's the fucking worst. I don't even realise that I'm crying until Simon places his hands on my cheeks. "Are you okay?" he asks, wiping my cheeks with his sleeve. _My_ sleeve. He's wearing my jumper and my jeans. They're both a bit too big for him, but he manages to pull it off. 

"I don't want you to leave," I whisper.

"I'm only leaving because it's been four days since I've been home. I've got to see my mum," he says softly, playing with my hair. "And I can't stand wearing your clothes and drinking your Aunt's crappy instant coffee anymore."

"You've got a problem with my clothes?" I ask, laughing. 

"I mean, you are like three inches taller than me, Baz," he smiles, wrapping his arms around my shoulders. 

"I'm uh...I'm hosting this stupid...eco committee thing on Friday," I say, my throat bobbing. "If you want to come."

"I'm feeling better," he nods, looking down at the ground. "But I don't feel like being around a lot of people yet." I nod, even though my heart's hurting right now. I don't want to let him go. I don't wanna let him go back to his shitty dad and his lonely room. The room _without_ me. I don't want him to leave. "Hey," he smiles, lightly flicking my nose. "This isn't a goodbye. I'll text you when I get home." I don't like that that place is his home. I want to be his home. 

"I know," I nod, my hands draped on his shoulders. "I know." 

"Minute by minute," he whispers, smiling. I laugh hoarsely before he pressed his lips against mine, leaning up to kiss me gently.

"Minute by minute," I nod, staring into his own slightly watery eyes. He smiles, pressing a kiss to my nose before the bus pulls up. I frown, my heart falling as he takes a step back. I watch as he walks towards the bus, sniffing as I wipe at my eyes. He better fucking text me. I drop my eyes to my shoes when he's about to get onto the bus, unable to watch him leave. "Baz." I look up, meeting his eyes as he pauses at the bus door. "I love you."

Oh. 

"Me too," I whisper, unable to say it back. I don't know why, but the words just won't come out. It's not like I don't love him. I'm pretty sure I do. I just don't think I can say it back yet. He doesn't walk further into the bus, or sit down, he just stays standing where he is, grabbing the pole when the bus lurches out, grinning sleepily at me. I smile back even though my eyes won't stop fucking watering and give a small wave as the bus disappears. I stay there, hands shoved into my pockets as I smile to myself. _I love you._

He loves me.

Holy fuck. He actually loves me. 

Simon Oliver Snow loves me. 


	23. Now

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And whether you believe in Allah, Jesus, the theory of evolution or parallel universes there is only one thing we all know for certain..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey y'all, sorry this took soon long to come out, apologies :)
> 
> well, thanks so much for all the comments and kudos, and following me, Simon and Baz on this adventure
> 
> enjoy the last chapter x

Wednesday, 1 June - 13:32

I'm walking out of Biology when I notice Sabrina at her locker, holding her books to her chest. Gulping slightly, I pause in the threshold, awkwardly waiting for her. When she looks up and notices me she sighs before she makes to walk past. "Hey," I smile sheepishly when she reaches me, shouldering her back. She turns to face me, eyebrows arched. "I though I didn't reply to your text," she says, tiredness and hurt in her voice as she watches me.

"You didn't," I nod. "But...I'd love some more advice," I say, praying she'll listen to me. I've got to make this right. I kind of fucked her life for a moment there. "There's this guy I know, he's in my year," I start tentatively. "And he's been a dick to a lot of people. Literally everyone," I try and smile but Sabrina's frowning as she folds her arms, watching me through narrowed eyes.

"You know the last time you spouted this crap you left me alone in your lover's flat with his sobbing girlfriend," she says, cocking her head.

"And you told the entire school," I quip back quickly, probably too sharply. But hey, I'm not the only one who fucked up here. Sabrina's face falls for a moment, guilt shining in her dark eyes as she tucks a strand of hair behind her ear.

"So we're even then?" she sighs, shrugging. She looks like she's going to leave before I speak again.

"No. We're not," I say softly, looking down at the ground. "I just wanted to say...I'm not pissed. That's I'm not...I'm not mad at you. That's all," I say, scratching the back of my neck. "I'm sorry for everything that happened."

"What do you want, Baz," she asks, exasperatedly. I frown, not sure what I'm meant to say. Not sure how to say everything I want to say.

"Are you busy right now?" I ask, pushing my tongue into my cheek. "We could go get a coffee or something? And talk."

"I'm meeting Ava," she says quickly, blinking up at me. I nod and we just stand there for a moment, silence surrounding us as we pretend not to look at each other. "But maybe you should tell the dickhead you know to ask me next term," she says, smiling lightly before she walks off, looking over her shoulder to throw me a small wave before she disappears around a corner, her dark curls bobbing as she walks away from me. I smile, and sigh with relief when she's gone. I was expecting her to stab me, or just ignore me. But I needed to apologise. And I'm glad she listened.

Just as I'm about to leave, my phone vibrates. I smile down at Simon's picture and place my phone to my ear as I walk down the stairs. "Hey Elio," he says and I can hear the grin in his voice. "My parents have gone out to visit my Gran, if you wanna come around and listen to your shitty music with your magical boyfriend."

Thursday, 2 June - 09:19

"Hello," I grin as I reach my friends, grimacing when Will slaps me hard on the back.

"Hey man!" he grins widely before I push him off of me. "How's it going?"

"All good," I smile back. And this might be the first time I've genuinely meant that in a year. 

"How are things going with _Snowbaz_?" Dev asks, smirking. 

"With _what_?" I ask, frowning. 

"You and Simon," he explains as if I was meant to understand that. "Snowbaz. It was either that or Simonton. Or maybe Simaz."

"That is the fucking stupidest thing I've heard all day," I roll my eyes, even if I guess I don't totally hate it. Even though I'll never admit that to these three. "It's going good though. We're taking it day by day. Minute by minute."

"Holy shit," Will smiles. "Simon and Baz. Minute by Minute. That sounds like a book man. Or one of those fanfictions Niall used to read."

"I didn't read them, my sister did," Niall snarls, narrowing his eyes. "And that's weird to think about," he adds, sneaking a glance at me as he cringes.

"What? Thinking about people writing about them fucking?" Will smirks. I frown, crinkling my nose. "You don't think I can handle reading about two guys banging?"

"You reading about us banging would be a real turn off, Will," I tell him, grinning as I shove my hands into my blazer pockets.

"You think I'm a turn off?" Will asks in shock, his eyes wide.

"You're not exactly a turn on," I shrug, smiling as Dev and Niall laugh.

"Bullshit," Will shakes his head. "You'd so sleep with me if you had the chance. I know it!" he protests.I shake my head, laughing. "Okay, who out of the three of us," he says, gesturing to himself, Dev and Niall, "would you fuck first?"

"Dev," I answer quickly, shrugging. Dev laughs as Will scoffs, clapping my back. 

"I knew it," Dev smiles smugly, running his hands over his hair. "I'm so fucking fit."

"Okay, out of me and Niall," Will says, sure it's him. 

"Niall," I say, grinning when Will's face falls. 

"What the hell? Why does no one want to fuck me?" he frowns, folding his arms.

"You're just a bit desperate, mate," I smile lightly.

"I am not desperate! I'm super chill," he objects, lightly pushing me. He opens his mouth to moan on some more but Dev is already shushing him. "Fuck, look the dance chicks are coming over." We all turn to the direction he's pointing in to see three of the girls we watched audition walk over to us, their long hair swishing as they walk like their in a coming of age film. I stand, blinking and sighing as my three friends stare at them, Will's mouth open, Niall's eyes wide and Dev's licking his lips. 

"Hey," one of them says to me when they reach us, smiling prettily. "You're Baz, right?" she asks, her hand on her handbag as the three of them grin at me.

"Uh, yeah?" I nod, confused as to why they're talking to me. How do they even know who I am.

"We heard you have a thing with Simon," another girl pipes in, ignoring Niall and Will who are watching them like they're royalty. "In the year above. And we just wanted to tell you we think that's so cool. It's insanely cute when two guys are together," she says, smiling. There's a moment of silence before I realise I'm supposed to say something in response to that statement so I just nod casually, "Cool."

They all grin and share a look before turning back to me. "The dance team's having a little get together on Friday, you can join if you like." At that, Will subtly turns to me and widens his eyes, nodding quickly. 

"I don't think I can," I shrug, ignoring Will and Niall's sighs of disapproval. "I've got this eco committee thing on Friday." My friends glare at me while the girls frown, disappointed before they all blink at each other. I don't think they expected to get rejected. "That's too bad," one of them smiles before she shrugs. "But we'll see you around," they say before they walk off together. My friends star after them until they enter the school. 

"What the fuck, man?" Niall asks, brows furrowed as he elbows me. 

"What?" I ask innocently.

"The gates of paradise were wide open," Will sighs, shaking his head.

"Eco committee thing?" Dev asks, frowning. I smirk before I clap him on the shoulder.

"Yep, and I'm hosting. So you're welcome to join." I watch, smiling as the three of them stare at each other, still pissed at their missed opportunity to hook up with the dancing girls. I laugh, raking a hand through my hair before I snort. "You guys have got to start picking up girls yourselves." I start to walk towards the PE hall, giving a huff of amusement as I listen to Will moaning behind me.

"The world is so unfair. He's fucking gay. And girls are talking to him?" There's a pause before Will adds quietly, as if I can't still hear them, "Should we patch his shit thing and go to theirs?"

Friday, 3 June - 20:20

After I've handed out Emily and Sarah the rest of the beer and promised Penny I'll get her a glass of water, I turn back towards the kitchen where Dev and Niall are trying to help Will flirt. I pause at the front door and push it open slightly, just to check. He's not there. I don't know what I was expecting. He's still hurting, and it was probably to soon for me to ask him to a group thing. It's my fault, I shouldn't have put pressure on him like that. I shut the door and continue to the kitchen, grinning when I see Dev and Niall on the counter, Dev laughing into Niall's neck as Will frowns.

"Guys, seriously, I'm nervous," Will's saying as Dev and Niall practically piss themselves laughing, shaking their heads as they clutch their stomachs.

"You're so fucking bad at this, man," Dev laughs, calming down slightly. Niall nods in agreement, shaking his head as he sips his beer. "Sarah's never gonna go out with you."

"You're meant to be fucking helping me," Will snarls, frowning at the two of them before he notices me in the threshold."Oh, Baz, thank god. I need help." I arch an eyebrow as I walk further into the kitchen, leaning against the fridge. 

"With what?" I ask as the loud music coming from the living room changes to Taylor Swift. _Emily_. 

"I'm going to ask out Sarah." I snort despite Will's serious face. "I'm serious," he groans. "I'm fucking shitting it. She's going to reject me."

"Probably," I agree quickly, grinning when he pouts at me. "What? Are you in love with her or something, Will?" He sighs dramatically before he peeks out of the door into the living room, where Sarah is sitting next to Penny. I wave at Penny when she looks up at us. She smiles and winks before turning back to Sarah who's taking pictures. "I don't know," Will says, smiling. "Maybe." I laugh lightly as Dev and Niall cheer, clapping their hands. "What if she says no?" 

"That's life," Dev shrugs. To which Will snarls and kicks him. 

"It's not the end of the world if she rejects you," I tell him, pushing Dev out of the way. "And it's a positive thing if it does work so-"

"But it's gonna be fucking awkward if she says no and I just stand there," Will cuts me off, waving his hands about.

"Yeah so maybe don't outright ask her if she wants to hook up with you, dickhead!" I snort, rolling my eyes. 

"Straighten your back, smile a little and go, 'Hi,'," Niall says as he demonstrates, jumping down from his space on the counter. 

"Should I touch her arm?" Will asks, eyes wide.

"Sure," Dev shrugs, "Just don't be a fucking nonce."

"Do I look okay?" Will asks, pulling at his shirt as he stares at himself in the reflection of the fridge. 

"You look fine," I start, rolling my eyes as I sip my beer. As Will starts panicking because he forgot to put deodorant on I look up when the front door opens, frowning. Everyone's already here. But then bronze curls appear as the door shuts again, and a bright blue sweater and grey jeans and the biggest fucking smile in the world. Simon appears in my flat. I jump off of the counter and grin as Simon practically sprints into the kitchen, colliding into me in a messy hug as he presses kisses to my cheek. "Hey," he giggles when we let go.

"Hey," I grin, intertwining his hand in mine as we walk back to my friends. "I didn't think you were coming." He doesn't answer, just shrugs before he grins at Dev, Niall and Will.

"Hey guys," he smiles. "What's up?"

"We're trying to help Will get laid," Niall says.

"Wow," Simon snorts. "And how's that going?"

"He just has to not act so desperate," Dev shrugs, grinning. "And then he's got it!"

"But it's fucking impossible to not be desperate, when I don't know what it means to act desperately," Will objects, groaning as he runs a hand down his face. "How the fuck am I supposed to-"

"Just think about the chillest, coolest person you know," Dev suggests, drinking his beer as he dangles his legs off of the counter. "And act like that."

"James Bond?" Will asks and I snort, shaking my head.

"You know what, Will," Simon says. "I think you should go all in, and be more of yourself. Take desperate to a new level."

"Yeah," Niall agrees. "He's onto something. Just go for it with-"

"What?" Will asks, confused.

"Well, show her just how desperate you really are, then," Simon grins, tapping the inside of my palm with his fingers. "Go all out." I smile when Will's face bursts out into a massive grin and he nods, clapping his hands together. "Okay, I got this. I'll talk to you guys later." Dev and Niall snicker before they watch Will leave, beelining straight towards Sarah. "I have got to see this," Dev says, shaking his head as he drops down onto the floor, following Will. "Me too, man," Niall smirks, giggling as he chases after Dev.

Then it's just me and Simon.

"Hello," I say again as he smiles up at me, wrapping an arm around my waist. 

"Hey," he whispers, blue eyes dancing as I run a finger down his face.

"How are you?" I ask softly as he leans into me, his head on my shoulder. 

"I'm fine," he nods as he turns his head to look up at me. "My mother apologises for last time," he whispers, playing with my hair. "She said she wants to properly meet you." 

"Okay," I nod, even though I'm slightly worried about running into Simon's dad again.

"If you want, you can come by tomorrow in the afternoon," he suggests. "We can drink tea," he laughs, grinning widely at me. "Okay," I repeat, when he stands up straight, narrowing his eyes suspiciously at me.

"Are you sure?" he asks, arching an eyebrow.

"Of course," I grin, lightly elbowing him.

"Are you sure you won't feel uncomfortable?" he asks, looking down at the floor.

"After I saw you running around naked in the middle of the night I got vaccinated against uncomfortable situations," I say, smiling as I arch an eyebrow. Simon laughs, shaking his head.

"I swear I'll wear clothes," he says, leaning in to kiss me again. He pushes his lips against mine, wrapping his arm around my waist tightly as he smiles into the kiss. Even though I've kissed Simon Snow a number of times, it always feels like the first. Like magic. Literal magic. 

I push my hands up into his hair when there's an awkward cough. We pull apart to see Penny standing there, forcing an awkward smile before she shrugs, "Sorry, I can-"

"No, it's okay, I..." I trail off, grabbing a glass from the cupboard and filling it up with water. "I got a little distracted," I apologise as I had it to her. She smiles as she takes it. She looks very pretty tonight. She's wearing a yellow sundress and white converse and she's wearing one of the brightest smiles I've ever Penny have.

"Before I forget," she says, digging into her pocket. "I have a little gift for you."

"For what?" I ask suspiciously as she grins.

"For being the best biology partner," she sighs, rolling her eyes. "Just take it," she says, shoving a little bag at me. "What is it?" I frown, holding up the brown package. She's tied it with ribbon and drawn flowers on it. 

"Just open it," she grins. I smile as I tare open the package, undoing the ribbon before I pull out a small packet of weed. The Narcos weed. "That you!" I laugh. "How are you going to blackmail me, now?" 

She shrugs, smiling down at the floor. "Do I really need to?" she asks, arching an eyebrow.

"Maybe not," I nod, smiling as she laughs. She winks at me and smiles at Simon before she turns on her heels and leaves the kitchen, running back over to Sarah and Emily. I laugh when Simon pinches the weed from my hands. When I frown down at him he shrugs, "You owe this to me," he frowns. 

"What? Give back to me right now!" I object, trying to grab it. He dodges and shakes his head, laughing. 

"Nope!"

"It's bad for you," I warn him, as he holds it away from me.

"Are you going to be the one who tells me what's bad for me now?" he asks, eyebrows arched.

"Sure," I nod as he watches me carefully. He's always looking at me like that. Like I'm something worth watching. "'S my job," I grin, shrugging.

"Your job?" he laughs, grinning widely, revealing his white teeth and smile lines as he shakes his head. Fuck, he's so beautiful. With his pastel jumpers and skinny jeans and pale fingertips and ankles and bright eyes and perfect hair. 

"Yep," I nod. "The pay is really good," I add as he snorts, lightly elbowing me.

"Who pays you?" he asks, going along with it as he tucks a strand of hair behind my ear, his fingers setting my skin on fire. "Your mum," I say like it's obviously. "Seventy-five pounds a week."

"What?" he laughs, shaking his head as he scoffs. "Are you joking?"

"No, of course not," I shake my head. "That's why it's weird she told you she wants to meet me. I mean, I called her yesterday about my salary." 

"I want half," Simon says, widening his big, blue eyes.

"What!" I exclaim, shaking my head. "No, it's my money, you'll never get it," I say, leaning in to kiss him. He sighs dreamily, kissing me back. As we're kissing, I bend down and grab the weed from his hand and pull back. "Thanks," I smirk before I start to walk out of the kitchen.

"What are you going to do with it now?" he asks, folding his arms as he leans on the counter, cocking his head at me. Fuck, does he know how fit he is?

"I'm going to flush it down the toilet," I say, sticking my tongue out at him.

"Are you sure?" he asks, arching an eyebrow. 

"Yep," I say, leaving Simon alone in the kitchen with the Pringles.

As I walk down the corridor, I spot Will and Sarah in the living room, pulling. I pause slightly, laughing as I watch them. Well, fuck. I was not expecting that. I continue towards the bathroom, knocking on the door before I try the handle. "Occupied!" I hear Emily shout before a voice behind me says, "Get in line." I turn to see Dev sitting on my bed. "Sorry," I smile as I walk towards him. "Didn't see you."

"Emily's making out with some guy I'm your bathroom," Dev sighs, lying down onto his back as I drop down onto the bed next to him. "I guess we'll just have to wait," he says wearily. There's a moment of silence as I debate whether to ask if he's okay, i mean, his ex is kissing some guy in the room net to us, but Dev speaks before I can.

"You and Simon look good together," he grin, turning his head to meet my eyes. 

"We weren't good last week," I sigh, biting my bottom lip. He nods, smiling softly. "I guess it's just going to go through highs and lows." He nods, smiling sadly. "But, you know...it's so beautiful when it's good," I smile up at my ceiling. "That even when it gets bad, you just get over it."

"I get that," Dev nods. "You're good together, man. He makes you happy, I can tell."

"Yeah, it's like...everything was fake before," I say, exhaling deeply. "I used to talk so much bullshit."

"I remember," he snorts, giggling when I shove him hard and he almost decks it off of the bed.

"I just couldn't handle it," i say, shaking my head. "Like before, I would just stay in all day and read, or go out with you guys but not really feel like I was there, you know. Because I was lying to you all. And now, I don't know, maybe...maybe, they call me names at school and if I go outside holding hands with Simon, maybe I'll risk getting punched...but at the very least...this is me," I smile, turning my head to watch him.

"I love you, Baz," Dev smiles softly, patting my shoulder. "You're my best mate."

"Love you too, man. I always have." Dev grins and he opens his mouth to say something when the toilet door opens and Emily and some guy from the eco committee sneak out, holding hands and giggling. Dev sighs and I tussle his hair. "You've got to tell her how you feel," I tell him. "You'll regret it if you don't."

"Nah,"" he sighs, shaking his head. "We never had something like you and Simon," he says, smiling sadly.

I laugh lightly, "I know it's cliche, you never know who's gonna die tomorrow, Dev," I say. "And whether you believe in Allah, Jesus, the theory of evolution or parallel universes there is only one thing we all know for certain..." I say, trailing off as I look into the living room from my place on my bed, and spot Simon on the couch, laughing with Penny. "Life is now."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> click next story for another Snowbaz sortie by moi :)


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